The Middle Chapters

So part one of the integrated screen was today - nuchal translucency (NT) was measured via ultrasound (the non-vaginal kind!) and blood was taken. Supposedly I don't get any of the results until after the second part of the screen which can't be done for at least another four weeks. I did do on-line research about the risks of various abnormalities and NT measurements. According to what I saw, the risk of the three most typical trisomies is 1 in 98 at 12 weeks for my age. Expected NT measurements are in the range of 1.5-2.0 mm. Measurements that are over 3.0 mm may be reason for concern. My NT was 1.6 mm. I'm thinking that this is good so far.

This was my first trans-abdominal ultrasound. It was interesting - very goopy. When I got to the office I asked about needing to fill my bladder. I was told more or less no (something along the lines of "well, only some technicians want a full bladder"), although I did slurp some water from the very metallic tasting water fountain.

The technician dug around just north of my pelvic bone and saw the fetus curled up looking happy in the bottom (?) of my uterus. After lots of digging, she asked if I had a full bladder and was disappointed with the answer. She explained quickly that I have a -- forward tilting I think -- uterus giving her a very narrow field of vision blah, blah, blah. It went too quick for me to understand except that I had made her job harder. She had to look at things from close to my left hip to see what she needed to see. She said everything looked as expected.

We saw arms and legs and she got her NT measurement. She also measured my ovaries and uterus and perhaps some other non-fetus things. The heartbeat was 165. She measured the fetus at 11w6d - two days up from yesterday.

My blood draw went fine. The technician was a very friendly older women with an Eastern European accent. She asked the question I'm just starting to get, "So, is this your first?" So far, every time, I've responded that this is my fifth pregnancy. Perhaps there will be a time when I just say yes. But, right now I think I'm afraid of too much unbridled joy. The other answer that comes to mind is, "if we get to keep this one it will be." The friendly tech asked to see the ultrasound photo. After looking, she told me that I'm having a healthy boy and that this is a good one. I'll take the good intentions.

I don't have another appointment until Aug. 26th. This is going to be a bit strange after all of the feedback I've gotten, but everything is going well. I considered renting a doppler to listen to the heartbeat, but think that I would worry more rather than less.

Monday is back to work.

I just got back from my first appointment with my new OB. I thought she was great - a good level of detail, not a lot of fluff, and it's okay if I take aspirin (unless much later in the pregnancy). Yeah - maybe some help for the non-stop headaches I've been getting.

My blood pressure is good - 105/60. Weight - 145 - right around my pre-pregnancy weight.

I even got another ultrasound. The fetus is measuring 47 mm or 11w4d. I saw her heartbeat and a nice amount of stretching and wiggling. The ultrasounds have always been very reassuring. Now that it's really starting to look like a person in there, it's even better.

I'm going to start going through the integrated screen tomorrow - nucal fold testing and blood work. We wait a few weeks and then some more stuff. I'm not quite sure of what, so I'll go on-line after this and figure it out. My thought is to follow a friend's reasoning. If the screening comes back of showing a higher risk of a problem than amnio's risk of a miscarriage, I'll get an amnio. If not, I won't. I've had two girlfriends with leaking amniotic fluid after an amnio - one who ended up on bed rest, both of whom had premies. I don't think that there's any proof of a causal relationship, although I know the first, who had an uneventful second pregnancy, thinks so.

DH and I have never discussed what we would do if there are any abnormalities. I just figure we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The whole pregnancy thing is just starting to actually feel real. Through this past year I've felt so crappy with all of the drugs and early pregnancies that all of my symptoms have just seemed to be more of the same - discomfort that leads to heartache. It seems like there should be a different word for it - pregnancy leading to miscarriage. It's not really that the pregnancy is feeling more real. It's that I'm starting not to anticipate the miscarriage as much.

Things are going so much better this time. I'm so hoping and starting to believe that this time it will be different.

I'm heading back to work on Monday. I haven't worked since early March. I remember the huge relief in leaving. I was so overwhelmed at the time that nothing but leaving could have helped. I remember a few weeks into my leave thinking that I would never go back. That it was the place, personalities, and the pressure to perform that I couldn't handle. My current thought is that life was simply overwhelming at the time - and I needed a break.

I've continued counseling and gotten some distance from both the work problems and the miscarriages in the past months. With the currently successful pregnancy (10w6d) and the distance, I'm hoping not to leap back into the same feelings.

I talked to my boss on Monday and met my team for lunch on Tuesday. I'm not going to be in charge anymore. I'm going to be working full-time but on more of a project basis - my boss' idea, but one that I embrace (mostly) whole heartedly. I'll be working partially for the same group of clients and taking on projects in other areas. I've worked either independently or been the person in charge for years, so this might be a bit of a interesting experience.

My team member is flying to California today to meet with one of our most difficult clients. I am thrilled not to be the one going. There are distinct benefits to not being the one in charge.

I also had another client call me on my cell phone on Tuesday. Someone who I've always loved working with and invited to my wedding. He called to wish me a happy anniversary (which was last week) and find out when I'm coming back. The work load for his company has been very minimal since I've been gone but apparently is picking up. He'd prefer to continue working with me when I return. His confidence and desire to work with me is a big confidence booster.

My therapist and Chinese Herbal Medicine doctor have questioned returning to work so soon. It just feels right. I actually miss the people and the problem solving. I also miss the income. Our savings have taken a big hit with me not working.

I don't know how it will go, but figure I can't know that until I do it. If it doesn't work out, I can stop again.

I find myself thinking ahead to after the pregnancy. Having been around my best friend's four month old, I can't picture putting my small child in day care. Storing up some savings for afterwards seems like a great idea. But, I already feel some guilt toward my company for letting me take this time off only to leave after several more months.

Me and my friends are all a group of late bloomers. A pack of them got married around 32. I got married at 36 and two of them are getting married this summer around 40. One of the weddings was yesterday. The bride was accompanied by her sister, although both father and step-father were present and father gave a wonderful speech at the reception. Both the church and the reception were in beautiful locations and the weather was perfect. It was a great event.

The father's speech included a comment on waiting for the right thing. While I don't think the couple was intentionally waiting (the groom had lived with an old roommate of mine for six years), I do think they and all but one of my married friends (who is already divorced) are well suited and very happy. I've heard that statistically us late bloomers are more likely to stay married. I don't know if it's because we pick differently somehow or are simply different than we were at a younger age.

I had lunch today with the other friend who is getting married next month. We talked about the upcoming wedding, our families and past boyfriends. Given both of our past choices, it seems surprisingly good who we ended up choosing. The wonder of blooming late.

I never worried about marriage. Starting a few years before I found my husband, I was much happier by myself than with the wrong person. I always figured that because I wanted a child, I would find a way to make it work with or without a husband. I just had confidence that things would work.

The third miscarriage brought on the consciousness of time. The feeling that I might run out of time before I got the chance to have a child by the method I chose. My 38th birthday, shortly after the diagnosis of "unexplained" was just plain hard. Not such a wonder of late blooming.

Today I'm counting my blessings. I have wonderful friends, a great husband, and for today am still pregnant with the child we hope to keep.

My last weekly ultrasound today was great - measured 10w3d, lots of movement and a good heartbeat. I've now "graduated." I've always thought of this as a nice way to kick someone out, but it actually was very nice to say goodbye to the team I've been working with and hear their well-wishes. I thought leaving would make me nervous. I can't imagine that I'll get the same level of care at my new OB's office, but having my first appointment scheduled for next Thursday has taken the edge off.

I haven't been here before. The place where everything is going right. I like it, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable. Like it's just postponing the inevitable. That with passing time, the fall is going to be so much worse. But I'm trying to squash those feelings. I'm trying not to borrow trouble. Things are great now with our break-dancing, boxing nun fetus. (I just remember . . . Nope, I'm not going to go there.)

I'll worry about going back to work in a week (yikes!) and the triple screen later.

It's DH's birthday today. Happy birthday sweetheart!

Measured 9w2d today, a nice strong heartbeat, and after some poking, saw the hokey pokey. The doctor said if everything is good next week, the chances of miscarriage go way down. And he typically takes patients off of the progesterone between 10 and 11 weeks. Hooray.

I've gone up a bra size which means I actually have a chest. While my pants still fit, I've gotten "fuller" as my husband so kindly put it through the mid-section.

Every exam room at my doctor's office has a regular home-type scale. I have been weighing myself with every ultrasound. I think I got a wonky scale today because it said I lost four pounds since last week which puts me at my lowest weight in a few years. Wonky I say.

I still need to get an OB. My doctor gave me some names from a practice in his building which is very convenient to work. They do deliver in the hospital I have been trying to avoid. But, aparently, the close hospital options are limited. Doctor says that this hospital has the best and most up to date facilities. They've got to treat the women giving birth better than the women having D&Cs, right?

It took about 13 months of trying to get pregnant the second time. While it didn't last long, there was a point that I remember distinctly, when I felt this certain feeling. Part of it was the success of getting pregnant after trying for so long. Part was pride in being able to do what so many women do so easily. It was a great feeling. One I haven't had since.

While it's true that a vast majority of pregnancies are uneventful, I've been one of the unlucky ones where that hasn't been true. I remember speaking with a group of girlfriends after my second miscarriage, and one woman who had a six month old commented that she felt bad that she hadn't even thought to worry during her pregnancy. She didn't need to worry and it was great that she didn't. I'd say ignorance is bliss, but it's not ignorance. It's something else -- luck of the draw?

I can't imagine feeling comfortable in this pregnancy. I hope there comes a point where I have that confidence in my body and that pride of ownership that I had so briefly about a year ago. For now, I'll live week to week (a topic that I thought I'd posted on earlier this week, but it looks like Blogger ate it) and try to hope for the best.

Typically I'm a planner. There are a million deadlines at work and another million social things I want to do. I typically spent at least half my time managing the future. That's not the case during pregnancy, especially now that I'm not working. Instead, I live by weeks starting and ending with an ultrasound. These happen on Friday.

I still plan the future - this week was Monday night dinner with girlfriends, Tuesday a pre-wedding party for friends, Thursday is accupuncture and Friday is ultrasound. That's as far as I can get. I keep being surprised when people ask what I'm doing for the weekend. I have no idea -- it's after Friday, the day that ends the week. I'm not willing to make plans after Friday in case it's bad news.

Sundays are bad days. I had two of my four miscarriages on Sundays. Logically, I know that there is nothing to make Sunday a bad day, but it being so far from the following Friday doesn't help.

I'm hoping that if things continue to go well, this cycle will be broken. I imagine that there will be a point that they won't give me weekly ultrasounds. And I am going back to work.

I've been thinking a lot about fathers lately. I've always thought alot about mine - when I was younger with fear and admiration (geeze, he's scary, but he certainly gets things done), then just with fear (nothing was even right and his retribution was harsh), and finally anger with some fear thrown in (how dare he have terrorized our household during my childhood and continue to throw me into a periodic panic).

Having spoken to a lot of friends about fathers, it seems to be a rarity that anyone actually had a close and loving relationship with their father when they were children; although, some have grown into good relationships as adults. My new thought is that this may be generational. Here's my theory: Fathers having children up until the early 1970s were raised to marry early, start a family and be the breadwinners. They didn't attend births or diaper their babies. They were out earning a living and mowing the lawn. They were young and scared with a family to support. He who yells loudest gets his way.

The 1960s and 70s brought a change to many areas of social thought - women's rights and child abuse to name two, but people were largely still responding to their upbringing rather than their surroundings. Or their surroundings were viewed as stupid, hippie, or new age-y. (Except the ones that actually became hippie or new age-y.)

Men born in the 1960s and early 1970s, are different from their fathers. Likely, they didn't build families as early as their fathers. They've likely had a job or two and perhaps a career or two. They grew up in a media-driven society where TV may have had more impact on their ideas of a father's role than their fathers. They moved away from home and lived on their own. Their choices of brides wasn't limited to who lived in their town or the next one over.

Unlike many women who have had difficulty building their families, I never questioned whether I wanted children or why I wanted them. I've never given much thought to what kind of parent I'll be (other than my parents' examples of what I won't do) and what kind of father my husband will be.

The one thing I know and gives me comfort on this long road that hopefully will lead to a child is that our house will be one of love and comfort. My wonderful husband D has no interest in running a household with fear and I have no interest in being dominated by an overbearing husband and cowering with my children. There will be ups and downs, of course, but there will always be love.

Today I saw a good heartbeat and fetal movement! Very weird when it still just looks like a blob, but I'll take it. Measured 8w0d - slower than last week, but, again, I'll take it.

The doctor/tech (I still don't know what she is) said that I should come in next week and then, sometime soon, need to get to an OB. Wow. It's not like this office has done anything to support this pregnancy other than prescribing progesterone and letting me come in often, but I like them and I'm used to them. They're nice. There's no way I would go back to my old OB, so I have to find a new one.

I had my first D&C at one of the largest local hospitals that also seems to deliver most of the babies around. I hated it. I don't want to go back. I assume that you go to the hospital that your doctor is associated with. So, pick a doctor and get a hospital. I'm still curious about birthing centers. I'm pretty sure I want drugs and all the medical intervention that will ensure that me and the baby make it through this pregnancy, but I also hate the sterility of a big hospital (based on my one experience). Other than my age, I don't think I'm high risk. I guess it's time for more internet research.

Today I went back to CHM to discuss how my new formula is working. The answer is: like a charm. Nausea - better. Constipation - better. Neither has gone away, which would worry me, but both are very managable.

The doctor restated her preference that I not return to work until I'm through my fourth month of pregnancy. That would be mid-September. Instead, I've already told the office that I would return August 1. I know I need to keep my stress down, but by then, I think returning to work will actually help, not hurt.

The CHM doctors and students always feel three pulse points in both wrists. Today they mentioned that the pulse in my right wrist was stronger than the pulse in my left. I asked what that meant and was told that it's an indication/prediction that I've having a girl. With each pregnancy, I've always started thinking about names right away. Each time, I found myself focusing more on either male or female names. This time it has been female. I've never had a chance to see if I was right before. Regardless of outcome, I should get the chance this time.

Yesterday I had my fourth ultrasound and everything looked good. The embryo/fetus is measuring 7w2d (an extra day from last week) and has a strong heartbeat. The clinician didn't measure it, but said it looked to be over 100. I got to ask a question I had from the last ultrasound about the shape of the gestational sac - a weird shape on the photo has no significance.

This ultrasound was a week since my last. I think I was actually calmer having one a week rather than two. I am calming down about the whole thing -- not thinking about the pregnancy and the likelihood of success every moment of every day. I'm not examining my symptoms every other second to try to figure out if they've gone down. I still think about the loss I had after this point - when everything had looked okay prior to the loss, but for some reason things just stopped - but again, it doesn't fill all of my thoughts.