The Middle Chapters

Baby is still inside. I'm all kinds of uncomfortable - except for last night and this morning, which were both great. I look like I have a 20 lb turkey jammed under my shirt. I'm so ready to have this baby. 38 weeks tomorrow.

My mom came in on Saturday. Its been wonderful. We had a great time with Bacon this afternoon eating sushi and playing at 2 playgrounds and over at S's house. She's getting so big and so much fun. March was the last time that my mom saw Bacon. She was 13 months old then and still so much a baby. Now at 21 months, Bacon is this little person who is so interested and interesting. Tonight she decided that a ribbon was her tail. I have no idea where she got that from, but it was seriously cute.

Bacon is still nursing 2 to 3 times a day. Often its only a minute or 2 and, for some reason, uncomfortable. Now lucky me, I'm starting to have random painful let down. I have no idea what its about, but on top of everything else (can you say or spell hemorhoids?) I have more than enough pain and discomfort right now thank you very much.

According to my OB I'm 1-2 cm dilated, 70% effaced and the baby is very low. (He bounced when she moved her hand. A bit weird - a bit cool.) She thinks he's bigger than Bacon who was 7.3 lbs. She thinks birth will be in the next few days. Hurray and holy hell. After being very calm and collected (well generally) about this pregnancy, I am starting to get scared that someting will go wrong during this last little bit or during the birth. I so want this to be done. But I'm also getting a bit scared of having a new baby. Maybe I just need chocolate. Which reminds me - I lost 2 lbs this week. I'm trying to eat, but everything is so swished, its not working very well. I definitely haven't had the appetite I had with Bacon. I gained 27 lbs with her. I'm currently at a 20 lb gain.

Reading this over is like looking in my head right now. I'm all over the place.

I think tomorrow would be a perfect birthday for the baby. Or the next day, or the next. After that, I'm going to spend a lot of time jumping up and down.

The doctor promised if no baby by next Thursday (my next appt) I get my induction date.

Just motoring along here. Lots of contractions, but not that painful. I'm yo-yoing between killer tired and totally fine regardless of how much sleep I've gotten. I'm trying to be more active to encourage the coming of baby x, but I don't really have the desire to get out of the big chair if I don't absolutely have to.

I'm trying to wrap some work things up, but several minor explosions are making things interesting. Its actually kinda nice as it is distracting from those ever present contractions. I still don't have a maternity leave plan - oh well.

Tomorrow I have an early morning OB appointment. I'm so curious what's going on. I seriously bet that there are no changes dilation and efacement wise. I don't even feel as bulge-y as I did. Is the baby moving up rather than down? I am so getting an inducement date if they'll give me one. My mom arrives on Saturday, so the perfect window starts Saturday and lasts for 2 weeks. Hear that baby?

Mentally, its very strange to change from wanting the baby out from wanting to keep it in. Although I'd like the pregnancy to be done, I don't really think I have my mind around the idea that its okay to let it (the baby) go.

Well, I went off the medication yesterday. By 5:45, I was contracting every 5-10 minutes. It picked up in the middle of the night, but slowed down by morning. They're really not very painful. I was worried about being able to handle the chronic-ness of them, but so far it's not so bad. I guess that there are 3 options now: (a) my water breaks, (b) they get worse and it turns into actual labor, or (c) we go for an induction. None of these seem so bad from where I'm laying today.

List of random things:

Things to get done before the baby comes

A. New cell phone - check. Sunday my big activity out of the house was getting a new cell phone. I loved the old one even though it wouldn't hold a charge and got lousy reception. A 20 minute trip netted me a phone that I can reliably call and hear on. Both seem like a good thing when I might need to get in touch with people. My first call on the phone was today while roaming through Target. It was amazing.

B. New tires on my car - almost check. D has an appointment to get new tires today. The current ones were seriously not great all last year in the wet. Now that wet season is coming up again, it would be nice to have a car that could actually climb the hills around town. (Right now I drive around the tough ones. That is, after sliding sideways trying to get moving from a stop sign.)

C. Groceries - check. Well, this is a never ending thing. My mom is actually coming out for 2 weeks starting Saturday - hooray! We've stocked the kitchen with things she, Bacon and I like.

D. Baby things - check. The basinet now has clean bedding and is sitting in the corner of our room. I spoke to Bacon about it this morning. We have clothes, newborn diapers, wipes, and breast pads. The room is absolute chaos. But he's not going to be in there anyway, so no (or at least minimal) worries (today).

G-dog

How will he be with the new baby? I think totally fine, other than the constant desire to lick. He and Bacon get along famously. She gets a bit too excited with petting sometimes but she loves him. She currently loves standing by his wagging tail. He loves the food she provides and the good surface areas to lick. D is allergic to G. Early on, Bacon turned red and splotchy after a good licking. That hasn't happened in many months. Sunday, my friend I was over with her 6 month old, baby M. G-dog was seriously curious and definitely wanted to get some licks in, but seemed to react to her the same way he does Bacon. I guess this is the value of having a somewhat neurotic non-alpha.

Sleep and money

Reading through my entries during the first year with Bacon, these were my 2 big topics. They still take up a lot of my thoughts. If I get good sleep, I'm generally good. If I don't, it hugely affects me. This is one of the many reasons I am seriously psyched that my mom is coming for 2 weeks and D's family is visiting over Christmas for a total of 2 weeks. That's at least 4 weeks of extra sleep.

I think the money thing comes down to safety. If I can bring money in, then we must be safer. I didn't grow up with any money problems, but definitely felt a lack of safety. I think somehow the 2 are connected in my head. I feel more at ease when I'm earning money and less when I'm not.

Work

I have no official maternity leave plan. I had hoped to talk to my bosses about it on Friday, but no one was available. I am generally hoping to just continue working from home like I have during the last several months. This sounds like a workable plan, but I'm finally realizing that there is going to be a period - at least short term -- where work is not going to be a priority and there's a possibility that things may slip. Just today, I asked for help/assigned out a portion of a current project. Its a part that is most likely to clash with the upcoming birth. All other deadlines/issues are a few weeks off. I've provided people with a heads up, but haven't done anything else yet.

When will I have this baby?

I know it will be relatively soon. I would like it really soon, but it would be more convenient if my mom was actually in town. That way, we will have Bacon and G-dog coverage. I plan to ask for an induction date, if necessary, at my next appointment on Friday.

This particular count down is to insanity; otherwise known as the day I go off the drugs that control the contractions. I thought it was Tuesday, until I looked to see how much medication I have left. Suddenly, its Monday. I just wiped these days. My stamina is measured in steps. I really want to nest, but since I can't manage to stay upright outside of my big fluffy recliner long enough to watch a half time show, its just not happening. I'm scared to go off of the meds. Not scared that the baby will come right away, but rather that it won't. I'm 37 weeks on Tuesday.

We haven't done anything to get the baby's room ready for the baby. Well, the one thing was sorting Bacon's old clothes into too pink, and by size. The idea behind the sorting is so that when we actually have the baby (who finally has a name!!), he might have something to wear that doesn't fall off. We have Bacon's basinet that we plan to use in our bedroom in the short term. Of course, I haven't actually looked at the basinet since Bacon stopped using it at around 4 months old. Hopefully, it hasn't lost a leg or sprung a leak since then.

Yesterday I suddenly had to get a crib and dresser for the baby. Of course, no stamina and a complete inability to make any decisions when there is more than one choice made that shopping trip less than successful.

As mentioned above, the baby has a name. Its a great name. The first is just something we both like. The middle is D's father's (and grandfather's and great grandfather's) first name. A bit more common than I'd like in theory, but for some reason, a more common name seems better to me for a boy. And I love that we included a family name. I do feel somewhat guilty about not including anything that has to do with my family, but if it wasn't that I was feeling bad about, there would probably be something else anyway. This will be my father's seventh grandson and the first for my father-in-law. (Oh, and I do have one nephew who has my dad's first name for a middle name.)

Now for a brief story about my recliner. I think it was pregnancy 2 or 3, I was fixated on getting an upholstered rocker/glider. When the pregnancy failed, I couldn't not get something, but it couldn't be related to a baby. (I can see why D think's I'm a bit choosey.) We ended up at a sale on recliners where I chose a pretty ugly brown/plaid-ish one. It didn't match anything in the old house and currently doesn't match anything we own. But, you know, I still love it. It is cozy and is my comfort chair. It was great for holding and nursing newborn Bacon and has been great for stretching out my current beached whale-like form. Someday it needs to be relegated somewhere other than prime living room space. We really need more seating in the living room. But for now, I look forward to being cradled in the comfort of that big ugly comfy chair while caring for both Bacon and our soon-to-be new little one.

Its amazing how this pregnancy has been a carbon copy of my last. Early contractions and bedrest and drugs - check. Off the ibuprofen and contractions ramp up - check. The waiting at the end and uncertainty - check, check. But I must say, it is much easier going through it knowing that the chances of success at this point are extremely high. (And have I said recently how much I love the drugs?)

I missed Monday's Day of Remembrance. It doesn't mean I don't remember the four that came before; the four that would have been our much loved children. It's clear I don't do this pregnancy thing well. In the depths of hormones, I storm about this fact. That I can't rely on my ability to be reliable; to make it through a day without crashing. But bottom-line, I'm lucky enough to do it well enough.

My miscarriages were officially unexplained after the biggest boatload of testing they could come up with (and the drugs that were supposed to help with "egg quality.") How did I get lucky enough that my, clearly, seriously irritable uterus calmed down for Bacon and this little one to stay in and grow? No idea. But I'm so happy that they did.

I expected them when I started the terbutaline, but I didn't get them. But for some reason, today when I've been having low grade contractions close together for hours, I get them. Lots of contractions and lots of jitters is wearing me out - and I've done absolutely nothing today. I can't concentrate or motivate. I'm just trying to get through it.

I'm 36 weeks tomorrow. Next Tuesday I go off all the drugs. Just a few more weeks until we get to meet this new one and my body can stop doing what it clearly doesn't like.

Nothing has changed here, other than the fact that the baby is lower. We now have something of a plan. I'm going to stay on my current meds until week 37. Last time I stopped one drug at 36 weeks and the second at 37. I think the difference is because this one's a boy and my track record. At 37 weeks, I go cold turkey and hope to go into labor before I go crazy with contractions.

I'm so glad to stay on the meds for another almost 2 weeks - non-stop contractions just suck. This week has been going well and although I'm excited to be done, I'm not nearly so desparate about it as I was last week.

D and I have been talking about what to do about birth control after this. Other than being an ironic topic, I guess it is something we need to deal with. We were originally talking surgery for one of us. But, I just don't want anything that final. (And D doesn't want surgery. Well, I don't either.) I plan to talk to my doctor about an IUD. I've heard generally good scuttlebutt about them; love the idea about not having to worry about something every day; and just in case my memory of my pregnancies fade, having 2 kids under 2 doesn't kill either D or me, we decide to try for #3, and I can actually get and stay pregnant, we could possibly do this again. That's a lot of ifs, but definitely worth the possibility.

Hurray, I got here. Last night I read through my postings around the same time in my pregnancy with Bacon. I do think it was worse last time. Largely because I didn't have the benefits of having gone through it and also, I wasn't on so many meds so early. The lack of months and months of contractions with a hospital visit thrown in here and there was stressful, not to mention painful and seriously tiring.

Unlike last time, the contractions generally don't get worse in the middle of the night. And if they do, I have some handy medication to take. My sleep is only disrupted by the standard late pregnancy things like needing to use the bathroom or wanting to roll over.

I'm still having periods of contractions that are 4 minutes apart, but the terbutaline has slowed them all down. The pelvic pain is there, but not crazy bad. I got the okay to take Vicodin if the pain is too much. Since last Friday I've taken one. But knowing that I have help to handle things when they get to be too much is seriously helpful to my peace of mind. I know that labor may be hard and the sleep deprivation is likely to start right after that. Trying to stay out of a deficit and keeping my sanity now are the only things that I can think to do to help.

I'm not absolutely certain that I will be able to tell the difference between the contractions I'm having and labor. Last time, my water broke about 12 hours before I started having any cervical changes - and they may have only come with help from pitocin. Thinking back, there is definitely a difference in intensity so I'll rely on that. (The worrier in me keeps remembering other people's blog entries about "mild" contractions and suddenly being in labor.) I tell myself that people have been doing this forever and that I'll figure it out when the time comes.

Today seems to feel a little different - more pelvic pressure and a slight bit of blood. This week's OB appointment is tomorrow, so we'll see what's happening then.

Who knew how great ibuprofen is? I'm now contracting a ton, didn't sleep last night and, between contractions and a very active baby, feel like everything in my abdominal cavity has been bruised. My scheduled visit to the OB happened today and a good part of me was hoping to hear that the baby was coming out very soon. Thankfully, that's not the case. According to her "snubby little fingers" (her phrase), I'm not even dilated today. The medication isn't stopping the contractions. Today, it doesn't even seem to be slowing them down. And while they're not like labor contractions, they are painful and generally DON'T STOP for long. (Thinking about it, they are about the same as miscarriage contractions but closer together.) The doctor actually suggested benadryl to help. I'll try anything at this point.

I'm going to have trouble staying sane if I get weeks and weeks of this. Earlier in the pregnancy, I felt very sad with the thought of not trying to have another. Now, I can't imagine being able to take it again. Is this a lucky benefit of being 40? Or just the luck of my genes?

The doctor said that if I'm still pregnant at 39 weeks we can induce. Thank everyone and everything that there is an actual end in sight. It just happens to be up to 4 1/2 weeks away. Well, no choice right? And in the big picture, I do get a baby out of this, right? Ouch.

Well, back on bedrest. I have been contracting every 5-10 minutes for many hours a day since Monday. I'm now 1 cm dilated and about 2.5 cm in length. I have partial Bacon coverage and will have more meds, so we're going to see what happens. With Bacon, I didn't even start dilating until about 12 hours after my water broke - after days and days and days of contractions. This could mean something, or not. At 34 weeks, almost all babies to go NICU.

Wouldn't it be great to be one of those women who go swimmingly through pregnancy only to feel their first contraction when they're actually going to deliver the baby?

If I knew that this was all practice, I could easily handle it. Instead, this is the (second) part where I become emotionally fragile.

As I've mentioned, I so wanted my sister to visit, but I was also a bit worried that it would go incredibly sideways, as things involving my family have a tendency to go. It was a great visit. The first time I've seen her away from her family in approximately 14 years. Although it wasn't neutral territory, which seems to work better with the fam, it still seemed to work well. Similar to how things work with my mom, if you take her away from the freak-out of her home life, things (generally) seem to work better.

We spoke a bit about our childhood, a seriously crazy time, and some about her marriage, which isn't her favorite part of life these days, but generally didn't get into heavy topics. I knew she had bedrest and medication with her pregnancies, but didn't know that she was in the hospital on a mag drip for 2 out of 3.

For all of our differences, there is something very comforting to talk to someone who knows what you came from in a way you can't explain to someone who wasn't there. She's 4 years older than I am so has different specific memories, but, the general themes and events are exactly the same.

I'm now 34 weeks along. Hurray, the end game! While I still think this pregnancy is the smoothest so far, the late pregnancy things are setting in: the non-progressing contractions; the pelvic pain; the congestion; the lack of sleep; and mostly the strong desire that we be done. Trying to keep a toddler entertained while not breaking myself (or being overwhelmed by the pain and discomfort) seems to be the challenge of the day. Only several more weeks - go body and baby!