The Middle Chapters

The contractions - medium painful ones - started at about 4:00 am - then stopped around 10:00 am. Argh. The weather is horrible. I made oatmeal cookies today. And that's it.

I have my weekly OB appointment tomorrow. I'm sure there's been no change down below.

(I also can't count. 14 days until my due date.)

16 days until my due date. I'm generally cool with that - generally mild contractions; the big ones don't stick around too long. I'm up more, so we're back to swollen ankles. But, again no big deal. Now that I'm not taking medication or convinced that I will give birth at any second, I'm getting bored and I feel bad about it. I feel like I should be using this time wisely, but can't really figure out what that means. The only thing I really want to do is cook. But that's resulting in constant eating -- which while not totally bad, doesn't seem like a great idea.

We have the baby stuff mostly done (the jinx factor just won't let me do any more). I'm wishing I were back at work so that the days would go by more quickly. The comments on how I should be stocking up on sleep aren't incredibly helpful. I want to cherish this time, but I think that's just not a possibility right now.

I was thinking earlier that, assuming that all goes well, this will be the last time that I'm childless - the last time that my immediate family will be limited to D and me. That just seems wild. I realize that I never really got the fact that several of my good girl friends have kids. I guess to some degree when I was single, I never really got the fact that several of my good girl friends were married. Largely, my interactions with them didn't change. Making the shift from single to married varied among my friends. Those who were destined to fall off the face of the earth to be with their husbands (or where ever they went), typically did it pretty early in their dating relationship. Everyone else stayed the same. I just got another friend out of the deal. Of those remaining that have children, it's pretty much worked the same way. (Most of my friends have very fun kids, whom I don't see that often.) It's a bit harder to plan to get together. Some parties involve children. I'm aware that they have their "mommie" friends and do different things with their days. But, I never felt excluded or on the outside to be one of the ones without a spouse or child.

I wonder if things will be different when I have a child. Where will my mommie friends fit in? Will I be closer to my friends with kids than to those without?

This has felt like such a marathon which started just after I turned 36. I turn 39 in a week and a half. While I'm still worried that I'll collapse right before the finish line and won't get to cross, I'm so ready to be there already and to start learning all the things that this new life will bring.

Boy, I love sleep. It makes such a huge difference in a day. I think I must have been significantly behind because every time I close my eyes I start to dream; strange dreams mostly. This morning's was about a time that didn't exist prior to one of my grandmother's deaths when the family was digging through her possessions (including her change) trying to stake their claims on her things. Again - this didn't happen in real life. I have no idea where it came from.

I'm still contracting away with no real change. If I'm up and about, they are generally small enough to ignore. It took me a while, but I've finally wrapped my mind around the idea that this is just how its going to be so I need to deal with it. This is a much better place than where I've been (that place was full of doom and gloom).

Looking back, weeks 16 through 22 were the easiest of this pregnancy. I was well and good beyond the first trimester and its worries. I was a few weeks past morning sickness. And I could feel the baby kicking. I wasn't uncomfortable, but had the good pregnancy signs - movement and a bump. The contractions started in week 22 which led to worry (and bedrest). It's really been the worry, more than anything else, that has been hard about this. The possibility that things were going to go wrong. How I wish I could control the worry.

Talking to the husband, he's more worried about what happens when the baby is on the outside. Not me. I can't even really put my finger on why, except that part seems more controllable. When the baby is on the outside, it sounds easier to figure out if things are going wrong - there's more data and more that can be done about things if they do go wrong. With the baby on the inside, its different. Prior to viability, miscarriages just happen. Post viability, there just seems to be so much time that things could be going wrong and no one has a chance to notice. Perhaps I'm looking at things with rose colored glasses, but it seems that when the baby is on the outside, it means that all systems are go and that, typically, problems develop over time - and during that time lots of observations can be made to see the problems. Of course, hopefully, we'll get to see how this all plays out and I'm happy not to be borrowing worry from some time beyond 19 days from now.

I actually slept last night and the sun shined all day. It was a good day. Apparently I'm nice and thin but still no dilation (groan). I'm officially 37 weeks today (with a 27 lb weight gain). My doctor warns that I very well may go to term. If I get more days like today that will be no problem. If I don't, that will just have to be okay too. (I asked about an early induction. She says that induction prior to term for 1st pregnancies (well I know what she means) has a super high C-section rate - something like triples the chances. While a C-section doesn't sound so bad right now, it does sound like if the baby hasn't come on its own, it really doesn't want to and that things are much better left on their own.)

Following the lead of other bloggers, I think I'll start thinking in terms of days - 21 days until my due date which would make her a Valentine's baby. Wow - that seems like a long time from now. But, in the large scheme of things, I know its the blink of an eye. With the way things have been going, I really think I'll go to term, if not beyond. While that thought had me freaked out (so much more time for things to go wrong!), a day like today helps put things into perspective. The weather forecast is for no more sun in the foreseeable future. I was out and about today from noon to 5 running errands and what not. Hope I stored up some for the weeks to come.

Well, I've been contracting about every 5-10 minutes since very early Friday morning. Friday was a horrible day. I finally called my doctor's office in the early afternoon and was told that I could come in if I wanted to, but I knew things were progressing, so took the nurse's advise on a warm bath and sucked it up.

Saturday, the contractions were less painful (I actually slept a good bit of Friday night) and joined my husband for some last bits of baby purchases. (We have been so lucky to have friends pass virtually every piece of baby equipment along that there were very few purchases to make. The one advantage to being late to the baby game.) Last night was again dreadful and today in a mix of Friday and Saturday. But still no progression - just random better and worse times.

In hindsight, thank goodness that I had the drugs as long as I did. If the constant contractions had started earlier, I would seriously need sedation by now. If I make it to Tuesday's doctor's appointment, I'll be 37 weeks and I'm going to ask about induction. There's only so much of this non-productive pain I can take.

Open letter to my uterus and cervix: Hi down there. While I appreciate that you uterus are irritable and you cervix are one tough cookie, do you think you could work on coordinating more right now? Does irritable really have to mean constant contractions for days? Cervix - If we have to do the contraction thing, can't you play along and let little M come out and play?

I woke up in the middle of the night and through the early morning with more contractions, but ones that seemed different - more like menstrual cramps. It got me thinking that maybe this was the real thing. I have no idea. They haven't gotten worse in the approx. 12 hours that I've had them, so I guess not. Things are, um, moving through the pipeline much better. I've read that this may be a sign of coming labor. But, it seems at this point, I'm willing to interpret just about anything as a sign that we may be done soon.

I have been crazy superstitious this entire pregnancy (and most of the previous ones). Examples include: (1) I worked with my (limited) understanding of feng shui in placing our bed in the room when trying to conceive. (2) I bought a good luckcharm. (3) I tried never to say anything too positive, in case it caused a jinx. (4) I tried not to desire or buy anything baby related too soon, in case it caused a jinx (I actually bought my first baby clothes today - well, I did get a swaddling thing a few weeks ago). (5) I didn't look at baby related things given to me by friends until recently, in case it caused a jinx. (6) I worried about the baby being born on Friday the 13th, in the Year of the Rooster (why? I have no idea), and a Capricorn (this comes from a few old boyfriends who were Capricorns). And finally (7) I still can't count on having this the baby until its in my arms after the birth.

As I mentioned, the other night I had a few blissful moments of peace when all seemed right in the world, then I went back to worrying about the birth. My birth plan -- anything to get the baby out okay. I'll try natural until I want the drugs too much. If anyone suggests a C-section - I'm there. I've read too many sad stories about labor going on too long or going sideways and ending in tragic results. Come on baby M, we so want to meet you.

Last night I took my last dose of Terbutaline and I felt - not scared or worried. For a time, albeit brief, I wasn't worried about anything having to do with this pregnancy. We'd made it to 36 weeks without any death. That brief collection of moments made me realize that while most of me had calmed down at each mile marker during this pregnancy, there was still a part of me that was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to fail. While it was wonderful to have those blissful happy moments (which I really hope I get to visit again), reality is that I am marked by my past; the four pregnancies that didn't work don't simply vanish with this one that looks like it will be successful.

With going off the medication last night, I had convinced myself that I was having this baby today. When the contractions started at 3:00 this morning, I thought, "Ah, right on time." A visit to the doctor's proved that it wasn't the case. While the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, they are not progressing and aren't really that bad. (Once I'd spoken to the on-call doctor who suggested I stop in at the office of a cervical check and non-stress test, I wondered if I really needed to go, but couldn't pass up the opportunity to make sure everything was still okay.)

While waiting for the doctor, my husband and I started talking about the past pregnancies, which is unusual. He's a "think about the positive" kind of guy. When I've mentioned them in the past, he normally re-directs the conversation about what we have now. It was nice not to be re-directed this time. We briefly discussed the past pregnancies in terms of our friends kids. If the first pregnancy had worked, we would have a child B's age. If the second or third, a child around S's age. If the fourth, we'd have a newborn. While I do appreciate D's ability to stay positive through the hard stuff, its also comforting to have some acknowledgement of what's come before.

Ironically (or not) my doctor commented to her new nurse practitioner who came in for the cervical check that I've had enough contractions for five pregnancies. How true.

Jenn asked a good question - one I didn't think to ask the doctor during my last appointment. I've had the fetal fibronectin test run twice - I think at about 29 and 31 weeks. The negative result gave me huge peace of mind for the four weeks that it covered. But, according to Dr. Google, the test is only used up to 34 weeks. I'm 36 weeks tomorrow, so am outside the window of opportunity.

My sister asked about steroids - should I be getting them if there is a chance of the baby coming soon? Another thing I didn't think to ask the doctor about. Dr. Google says this is another thing that is used only until 34 weeks (and not necessarily a good mix with the drugs to postpone pre-term labor).

My doctor suggested the following plan for this week: (1) stop the Terbutaline tomorrow at 36 weeks and (2) stop the Nifedipine the following Tuesday at 37 weeks. I understand that this is based on the goal of getting us to 37 weeks, but not stopping things if they progress this week. I'm excited and scared (though not the sad kind of scared) - I guess worried is a better word. The effects of the Terbutaline seem to be diminishing - so much so that I ended up calling the on-call doctor yesterday when the contractions started getting regular and painful and he suggested an additional dose. The one extra pill did the work though and stopped the contractions. But, if I go off it tomorrow, it seems likely to me that the contractions will start back up with nothing to stop them, then, in theory, I'll have the baby. For me that would be great, but I'm worried about the baby. I just want her to be as healthy as she can be. I think that means staying inside, but if that were clearly the case, wouldn't the doctor keep me on the full dose of all meds until 37 weeks?

We are so close to having a name picked out. I want family names. My husband agrees, but doesn't want to call his daughter his mother's name, so we've been searching for an acceptable nickname. We found one late last week. But his question is, why don't we simply name her the nickname? I know my reasons - based on my experience of having a long formal name and a short nickname (ending in a y), I like the option of having and using the formal name - that whole be taken seriously thing.

Now, the interesting bit, is that the family name isn't long. In fact the nickname is longer, and its a bit unusual. So, in this instance, it would be naming her a very common (old fashioned) name and calling her an unusual (and somewhat hard to spell) nickname. I still like the choices that it would give her as she grows up. If she doesn't like the nickname, there are many others. If she wants an easy name - she's got one.

My sister was tortured by an unusual name growing up. She went through a short spell of using her middle name while in high school, then returned to her first name. I don't want to torture my child by giving her a name that will cause her unhappiness. But I do want her name to be special to us. And times have changed when it comes to girls' names. Unlike my sister, our daughter won't have to worry about not being able to find personalized things with her name on them. And uncommon names are very common now.

I've read through several pop articles that suggest that a person's name influences their career choices and people's perception of them. I want to name our daughter something that will serve her through her life and not limit her career choices to stripper or cocktail waitress or make people assume that she can't do math. If she's born in the next week, I think we have her name. If she waits longer, we'll see what changes we've come up with by then.

Argghhhh - I now take back my kind words about Terbutaline or rather my response to Terbutaline. I contracted most of the night starting at about 12:30 - not quite regular; only painful sometime, but what a pain. I woke up feeling like I'd been run over (after actually sleeping between 5:17 and when the alarm went off at 7:15).

I don't know why this is so scary, but it is. If I knew this was really labor, I could suck up the pain and just go with it. But, with this stop and go (and the doctor's encouragement to get through 2 more weeks) it just feels like some kind of torture. I'm worried about her coming too early. I'm worried that I won't know when its real labor. (Ever since my mom told me earlier this week about her labors lasting "a few hours" I've been concerned that I won't take things seriously enough and won't make it to the hospital.) I'm worried that something will go wrong and we ultimately won't get to meet her.

After the years that have led up to this, I think I expected this part to be easier. I've had plenty of warning that she may come early. Although I've had contractions for, oh, the past three months, these are different. And they're always at their worst from 12:30 am to about 5:00 am. What's the deal with that?

I just didn't realize how these last days/possibly weeks would stretch out. (Did I mention that the doctor said that after all of this, there is a chance that I will still go to term?) I'm trying to focus on the end goal and realize that this is such a small slice of time, but there have been a lot of moments recently when its just hard. Can we just get to the healthy baby at the end of the road part soon?

No regular contractions - yeah! I'm generally bright pink and shake a lot, but I can deal with that for another week. At my weekly doctor's visit today I learned that the baby has dropped to -1 (apparently 0 is active labor). I've actually been a lot more comfortable since Sunday - less heartburn and rib pain. I've had pelvic pain for forever - its no better and no worse.

Of course, now that I'm responding to the drugs and it looks like I'll probably make it to 36 weeks (I was 35 yesterday), they want me to get to 37 weeks. At 36 weeks apparently some babies still have trouble regulating their temperatures and can't breathe and eat at the same time. Unfortunately, size is no indicator of maturity. But, apparently girls mature faster than boys. For the moment, I'm okay with all of it. Every once in a while I go into a tailspin, but right now I just feel blessed to have gotten here.

I'm now up to 166.5 - 23.5 above my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm also covered in tiny red spots. I freaked out a bit when I noticed this last night, but apparently its a reaction to all the estrogen in my system. The doctor called them pin-point capillaries that have broken - most of which should go away after the baby comes.

Well, she's still inside. After working from home Friday in bed, I started having regular contractions early Saturday morning, which led to a hospital visit which led to another shot of Terbutaline and a higher dose of Nifedipine. (The contractions were 4-6 minutes apart at the hospital and my cervix was "thinning.") No contractions until Saturday evening, but they weren't regular. Sunday we had an all day birthing class which I attended fully reclined in a recliner. Contracted every 10 minutes or so then went back to the hospital and got another shot of Terbutaline and they added oral Terbutaline to the Nifedipine. No contractions! (Well a few before my first oral dose, but none now.)

The goal is to get me to 36 weeks. As explained by one of the doctors, most babies born at 36 weeks go home with their parents. Most babies born at 34 do not. Counting from my original due date of 2/14 (like they seem to do some of the time), tomorrow I'll be 35 weeks.

I'm glad we had a chance to get to the birthing class. With all the early contractions and bed rest, I put it off until all of the December classes were filled. I really didn't think there would be a problem scheduling it for now, but with my history with this pregnancy, you never know. It was a lot less breathing than I thought and more videos on birth, relaxation techniques, drug options and C-sections. We got to see people going through the various things which was a touch scary, but mostly just helpful. Other than the women having C-sections, the births didn't seem so hospital/surgical as I thought they would. There was a high emphasis on using various positions to move the labor along (and a high emphasis on getting out of bed to do so.) We learned that every birthing suite in our hospital has a jaccuzzi tub and that birthing balls are available at request. All the nurses that we've met in our now 4 visits to labor and delivery triage have been kind and helpful.

We don't have a strong birthing plan. My thought was just whatever gets us a healthy baby. The instructor said that epideral rates in the US are 85-90%. I had no idea they were so high. The hours involved in each phase of labor were a bit intimidating, but seeing that I've already been through something like 18 hours of the early stages of labor, that part at least doesn't seem so bad (of course I haven't dilated yet, so we'll see what that part's about sometime soon).

It's going to be strange to have this baby when the focus over the past almost three years has been to keep one in. I understand that if these drugs don't work to stop the contractions, they may up my Terbutaline, but won't go so far as to admit me to the hospital for IV drugs. We're just too close for that. Based on her ultrasound measurements of 3 lbs. 13 oz. at 30 weeks, she should be well over 5 lbs. by now. But that doesn't tell us about her lungs. With DH's bad asthma and allergies, she needs all the good lung karma she can get. Well, its an adventure.

Remember those contractions I was having? Well, they still haven't led anywhere but a softened cervix, but they got a lot more regular and a fair amount more painful. I ended up at the doctor's on Tuesday to see where things were. I've had several non-stress tests now - it's where they monitor both the baby's heart rate and the uterine activity level. The baby has always done fine and, with one exception, I'm always contracting. This time the contractions looked huge on the print-out, which led to a shot of terbutaline and new medication - nifedipine. The terbutaline stopped the contractions and the nifedipine seems to be keeping them general down to a dull roar.

Yesterday was unfun. The initial side effects of the nifedipine - nausea and headache - had kicked in and the contractions were still very present. Today was much better. No nausea or headache and contractions generally only when I'm standing or walking.

I lasted a whole 4 hours at the office before I totally ran out of steam. (Which is better than the crying on Tuesday.) I feel like a serious wimp, but I just can't handle a full day at the office and may have to stop short of next Friday when I had planned to start my maternity leave. I've finished or passed on most of my current projects. And am getting over the feeling that I'm leaving the team in a lurch. (As of yesterday, we have - without me - 2 full time people and 4, count them 4, part-time people working on these clients' projects.) They can handle things without brain-addled me.

I keep thinking that I'm so close to being at term, but just realized that if the wiggler is born soon, it still likely means weeks in NICU. That's why I'm happy to be in bed right now and plan to stay here in general for the forseeable future.

With the new year, of course I've been thinking of this past year and the few years prior to that. 2003 was actually the best and worst of years. Both finding my wonderful husband and losing our first pregnancy were my absolute high and absolute low. Being with the right person to love is beyond words. That first miscarriage - the loss of innocence - and living through the months afterward was hard.

2004 was our delayed honeymoon and two more miscarriages. The trip was wonderful. After a year of not conceiving - the back to back miscarriages - again not good. But, nothing could be as bad as the first one. (The advantage of lower expectations I guess.)

2005 was my fourth miscarriage the same week my best friend gave birth, but followed by this wonderful pregnancy. Its been scary and a bit painful (nothing is stopping the contractions that I've been having for the past 3 months, but they haven't led anywhere). "The wiggler" seems to be doing great and there are only a number of weeks left.

Six weeks until my due date. So, likely anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks until we have a baby. With all the contractions, I wonder how I'll know when things are real. Well, if nothing else, the whole baby coming out thing should clue me in, I guess.

I have two more weeks of work. I'm still enjoying it, but my patience is short. My ankles are huge by the end of the day. And I'm now having serious trouble getting out of chairs. I'm not sleeping through the night - heartburn, back pain or the need to use the bathroom wake me up multiple times a night. The hot tub (and anyone who will help me stand up) is my new best friend.

I'm excited and nervous - joyous and scared. I don't know what my life will be. Will I work? Can I handle the baby? Will we move? Can we live off one salary? Will the baby be healthy? 2006 looks to be a very interesting year.