Thursday, January 26, 2006
Only 19 days left
Boy, I love sleep. It makes such a huge difference in a day. I think I must have been significantly behind because every time I close my eyes I start to dream; strange dreams mostly. This morning's was about a time that didn't exist prior to one of my grandmother's deaths when the family was digging through her possessions (including her change) trying to stake their claims on her things. Again - this didn't happen in real life. I have no idea where it came from.
I'm still contracting away with no real change. If I'm up and about, they are generally small enough to ignore. It took me a while, but I've finally wrapped my mind around the idea that this is just how its going to be so I need to deal with it. This is a much better place than where I've been (that place was full of doom and gloom).
Looking back, weeks 16 through 22 were the easiest of this pregnancy. I was well and good beyond the first trimester and its worries. I was a few weeks past morning sickness. And I could feel the baby kicking. I wasn't uncomfortable, but had the good pregnancy signs - movement and a bump. The contractions started in week 22 which led to worry (and bedrest). It's really been the worry, more than anything else, that has been hard about this. The possibility that things were going to go wrong. How I wish I could control the worry.
Talking to the husband, he's more worried about what happens when the baby is on the outside. Not me. I can't even really put my finger on why, except that part seems more controllable. When the baby is on the outside, it sounds easier to figure out if things are going wrong - there's more data and more that can be done about things if they do go wrong. With the baby on the inside, its different. Prior to viability, miscarriages just happen. Post viability, there just seems to be so much time that things could be going wrong and no one has a chance to notice. Perhaps I'm looking at things with rose colored glasses, but it seems that when the baby is on the outside, it means that all systems are go and that, typically, problems develop over time - and during that time lots of observations can be made to see the problems. Of course, hopefully, we'll get to see how this all plays out and I'm happy not to be borrowing worry from some time beyond 19 days from now.
I'm still contracting away with no real change. If I'm up and about, they are generally small enough to ignore. It took me a while, but I've finally wrapped my mind around the idea that this is just how its going to be so I need to deal with it. This is a much better place than where I've been (that place was full of doom and gloom).
Looking back, weeks 16 through 22 were the easiest of this pregnancy. I was well and good beyond the first trimester and its worries. I was a few weeks past morning sickness. And I could feel the baby kicking. I wasn't uncomfortable, but had the good pregnancy signs - movement and a bump. The contractions started in week 22 which led to worry (and bedrest). It's really been the worry, more than anything else, that has been hard about this. The possibility that things were going to go wrong. How I wish I could control the worry.
Talking to the husband, he's more worried about what happens when the baby is on the outside. Not me. I can't even really put my finger on why, except that part seems more controllable. When the baby is on the outside, it sounds easier to figure out if things are going wrong - there's more data and more that can be done about things if they do go wrong. With the baby on the inside, its different. Prior to viability, miscarriages just happen. Post viability, there just seems to be so much time that things could be going wrong and no one has a chance to notice. Perhaps I'm looking at things with rose colored glasses, but it seems that when the baby is on the outside, it means that all systems are go and that, typically, problems develop over time - and during that time lots of observations can be made to see the problems. Of course, hopefully, we'll get to see how this all plays out and I'm happy not to be borrowing worry from some time beyond 19 days from now.
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I feel just the same, Cathy... I am so much more confident in my ability to take care of this baby when he's out here with us than when he's inside. I guess my body has just failed me too many times for me to be comfortable with pregnancy.
I'm crossing my fingers that everything's going to go great for you.
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I'm crossing my fingers that everything's going to go great for you.
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