The Middle Chapters

Do you know the feeling of letting out a breathe that you didn't even realize you were holding? That was this morning - almost literally. About half way through the level II ultrasound and hearing all good things from the tech, I finally let out the breathe I was holding and unclenched my shoulders. (Then I just got tired and wanted to go home instead of to work.)

It was really cool - and long. First, since the last experience with the non-invasive type of ultrasound (and my lack of water intake), I guzzled water before the appointment. Only, I didn't have to. And ended up having to get up part-way through the scan to pee for a second time since I arrived for the appointment. Apparently at 16 weeks there's no need for a full bladder and it actually got in the way (and made the probing uncomfortable.)

Second, they scan everything. We saw arms, legs, feet, hands, fingers, brain, heart and all four chambers, lots of spine, kidneys, lips (apparently to check for a cleft palate), and finally parts. We're having a girl! I knew it. So did the CHM doctor and accupuncturist based on pulses. And my friends based on the ring test (total old wives' tale).

The ultrasound tech was very friendly and explained everything as she went along. A radiologist came in at the end and said things looked good and handed us a "preliminary report" that said nothing looked abnormal.

Apparently, she's already about 7 inches long - wow that sounds big. She spent most of the scan moving around which seems strange because I couldn't feel any of it. I also had a Braxton-Hicks contraction in the middle of things and I couldn't feel that either.

I can't believe we got here and can't believe that we might actually get to have a baby as a result of this in February. It seems unreal. This road has felt so long and has been so full of heartbreak that it just doesn't seem possible that this will have a good result. But, things are good and if I can't look ahead, at least I can focus on that.

The last week or so, I've been thinking a lot about this - the idea that I may have lost this pregnancy a while ago and now I'm just getting fat, but everything is okay. Weight: 150. Blood pressure 107/70. Strong heartbeat on the doppler and - that was it. The heartbeat was cool, but after all the ultrasounds it was - a little less than hoped for. I do have my level two ultrasound to schedule for next week. I can definitely wait for next week.

After the appointment, I kept chanting, "We have a living baby." In the drug store, my husband finally asked if I could just say we have a baby because the living part sounded creepy. Creepy but true.

After a very long Thursday, a midnight run to the airport on Friday, and a long Sunday, I'd gotten behind on sleep/rest and now am home sick. The nurse line says it may be a sinus infection (which would explain the incredible face pain) and that there's basically nothing I can take except Tylenol which isn't working.

I felt pretty guilty when I wrote an email to the office this morning saying that I'm not coming in. The work load continues to come out of our ears. But, it really is nice to be away from it. I have a serious problem with having work issues spin around my head. I banish them regularly, but they come back repeatedly. For this alone, I miss not working.

My friends have been hit hard lately. One ectopic pregnancy and one miscarriage. I'm working on a theory that pregnancy is the great equalizer, but its just not working so well. Rather it seems that pregnancy is the great crap shoot. The past doesn't matter; your quality as a parent doesn't matter. Only the dice matter and, boy, are they fickle.

until I get to know what's going on inside. I've been talking continuously to myself about how typical women don't get a chance to see inside all the time and how they simply deal with one doctor's appointment a month, and, generally, its been working. Now that its a week away, I just want to know if things are okay. I assume they are - there have been no bad signs, but ...

I'm about 14 1/2 weeks now. I'm generally feeling better, but a long work day can take me down. I had a 12+ hour day Thursday. Friday was tough. Of course, I have to go in for most of the day on Sunday, so Friday was a little light. Work is not so slowly approaching insane. I've explained it before as having 100 things to do and time for 5. In the past, I always, did the five things, but worried about all the others that I couldn't do. Now, three of us can do 15 things, maybe even 20. I do think it makes it better, but still, my anxiety level is creeping up and I've only been back for three weeks.

I kept thinking that this onslaught would only last through September, possibly through October. Not so. Pulling out the calendar shows basically non-stop fun until I (hopefully) leave. I'm starting to count down the days - or actually, starting to wonder how early I can reasonably go on maternity leave. I'm still going to weekly counseling. When I wasn't working, I was peaceful and happy and maybe a little "detached" from some of the things I've been struggling with. Now, not so detached. The pressure to perform perfectly is returning and it sucks. I was trying to give my company my best work, but limit the hours to reasonable and limit the amount it took of my outside work brain. I haven't been so successful.

I think I'm back to thinking that pregnancy is one of the only reasonable ways to quit my career. I've struggled for years with attempting to succeed in this field and seriously questioning whether I want to stay in it. Having been in it since 1992, I'm facing the golden hand-cuffs - I don't have the education or training to do anything else and I make good money doing this. I assume I must have some skills that would transfer, but boy, right now I simply want to get off (again). And this is only after three weeks back.

Earlier this week I wrote an entire entry about work and mostly how I was enjoying things. Blogger ate it. Now that I've gotten through week two of work, I'm still happy with the fact that I've gone back, but - argh - Friday was hard. As the the previous Friday. I think the tiredness from the rest of the week catches up to me by then and all I want to do is go home. I'm not sleeping well these days and can't seem to catch up on the missing sleep. Some of it is physical discomfort. I don't know what the rest is.

Another part of my eaten entry was about the heavy work load. Its heavy. But, by not being in charge, not too stressful so far. The next two months will be interesting. If we could just get to October - okay late October - things will be calmer.

Finally, I'm getting - thick. It's not really pregnant looking or even fat so much as just odd shaped in a way that my lower half isn't fitting into anything, including my fat pants or underwear. Thanks to a wonderful friend who is cleaning out her house in preparation for a remodel starting next week, I got four bins of maternity clothes today. I'm trying just to think of them as bigger clothes. Clothes that don't pinch and make me very unhappy by the end of the day.

I still haven't given in and gotten a doppler. I keep telling myself that millions of women make it through their entire pregnancy without getting a chance to look inside and see how things are cooking and that I should be able to wait until my next doctor's visit in two weeks. It's mostly working. (The missed miscarriages are still hanging over my head but I'm trying to ignore them.) If I can make it the full four weeks this month, I think next month will be easier. (I do have a friend who is an ultrasound tech. If I get a chance to visit her at work and slip in for a quick ultrasound, it doesn't count as cheating.)

The early weeks of pregnancy are so full of stuff - betas, lots of ultrasounds (for me), and progesterone taking. This next part is just strange. Nothing to do or see. Simply a time to hold on to hope and wait and see what happens next.

This weekend I went to the coast with my bf and her four month old. We joined a group of friends with a total of four toddlers. It was a wonderful weekend, but, holy cow, four toddlers make a racket. As the late comers and partner-less (for the weekend) and toddler-less, we got the sofas to sleep on. When 10:00 pm came and went to the repeated song of "Dad, look at what I did," in other than an indoor voice from across the living room, I was ready to sleep on the beach. It ended with an abrupt crash followed by hours of sweet silence. Once I had gotten some sleep, I remembered what great kids they actually are, but also how little I'm used to being around kids.

The four month old was a peach. She made it through hours in the car. With traffic, the trip home took about an hour and a half more than expected.

I totally found myself armchair parenting to the wild toddlers - I have absolutely no experience in the area which seems to make it a lot easier. I'm happy to say that I kept 98% of it to myself.

I'm now almost 13 weeks pregnant. It's mostly cool that the nausea is mostly gone. But, I miss it. I think its because without the ultrasounds, I don't have the regular reminders that I'm pregnant. Although I'm bigger around the middle, that could easily be attributed to my massive intake of pizza over the past few months. I still want an explanation for cramping like pains, but have just tried not to freak out about them since they seem to come and go without regularity.

Sunday night I thought about my outfit. Monday morning I jumped out of bed and got ready. Then I went to work. The first part was great - seeing people; checking out my new cool office. Then everyone was busy and I was supposed to - work. After one day, I was ready to go back to the sofa, but I returned yesterday and again today.

Its going to be fine; maybe even good. The workload that I am helping on now, instead of leading, is still crazy. For the moment, there are three of us working on it, instead of two since November, and one with some part time help prior to that. There have already been some minor worries over details, but so far, its not getting to me. I think a large part is not being in charge and feeling responsible for things possibly slipping through the cracks. I just have to remember that I'm not the person in charge anymore.

The powers that be are trying to split my time between my old work load and assisting someone else, but are trying to make sure that this workload can be handled without all of me. Currently, this is a three person job. I don't think I'm going to split well.

I've met, but don't know the other person they want me to assist. She came into our office with a boat-load of experience and very well respected a few months before I left. I understand that she has very demanding clients. She already has a full time person assisting her in the same capacity that I would. He's been working with her for years and came with her from her old office. Well, whatever happens, it should be interesting.

It is very strange not to have an ultrasound or doctor's appointment this week. I had a dream that all I had to do was press on my abdomen and I could feel the baby's heartbeat. That would be a cool trick. I'm reconsidering my decision not to rent the dopler. All the feedback I've been getting has me hooked. This feels like going cold turkey. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.