Saturday, August 20, 2005
One More Week
until I get to know what's going on inside. I've been talking continuously to myself about how typical women don't get a chance to see inside all the time and how they simply deal with one doctor's appointment a month, and, generally, its been working. Now that its a week away, I just want to know if things are okay. I assume they are - there have been no bad signs, but ...
I'm about 14 1/2 weeks now. I'm generally feeling better, but a long work day can take me down. I had a 12+ hour day Thursday. Friday was tough. Of course, I have to go in for most of the day on Sunday, so Friday was a little light. Work is not so slowly approaching insane. I've explained it before as having 100 things to do and time for 5. In the past, I always, did the five things, but worried about all the others that I couldn't do. Now, three of us can do 15 things, maybe even 20. I do think it makes it better, but still, my anxiety level is creeping up and I've only been back for three weeks.
I kept thinking that this onslaught would only last through September, possibly through October. Not so. Pulling out the calendar shows basically non-stop fun until I (hopefully) leave. I'm starting to count down the days - or actually, starting to wonder how early I can reasonably go on maternity leave. I'm still going to weekly counseling. When I wasn't working, I was peaceful and happy and maybe a little "detached" from some of the things I've been struggling with. Now, not so detached. The pressure to perform perfectly is returning and it sucks. I was trying to give my company my best work, but limit the hours to reasonable and limit the amount it took of my outside work brain. I haven't been so successful.
I think I'm back to thinking that pregnancy is one of the only reasonable ways to quit my career. I've struggled for years with attempting to succeed in this field and seriously questioning whether I want to stay in it. Having been in it since 1992, I'm facing the golden hand-cuffs - I don't have the education or training to do anything else and I make good money doing this. I assume I must have some skills that would transfer, but boy, right now I simply want to get off (again). And this is only after three weeks back.
I'm about 14 1/2 weeks now. I'm generally feeling better, but a long work day can take me down. I had a 12+ hour day Thursday. Friday was tough. Of course, I have to go in for most of the day on Sunday, so Friday was a little light. Work is not so slowly approaching insane. I've explained it before as having 100 things to do and time for 5. In the past, I always, did the five things, but worried about all the others that I couldn't do. Now, three of us can do 15 things, maybe even 20. I do think it makes it better, but still, my anxiety level is creeping up and I've only been back for three weeks.
I kept thinking that this onslaught would only last through September, possibly through October. Not so. Pulling out the calendar shows basically non-stop fun until I (hopefully) leave. I'm starting to count down the days - or actually, starting to wonder how early I can reasonably go on maternity leave. I'm still going to weekly counseling. When I wasn't working, I was peaceful and happy and maybe a little "detached" from some of the things I've been struggling with. Now, not so detached. The pressure to perform perfectly is returning and it sucks. I was trying to give my company my best work, but limit the hours to reasonable and limit the amount it took of my outside work brain. I haven't been so successful.
I think I'm back to thinking that pregnancy is one of the only reasonable ways to quit my career. I've struggled for years with attempting to succeed in this field and seriously questioning whether I want to stay in it. Having been in it since 1992, I'm facing the golden hand-cuffs - I don't have the education or training to do anything else and I make good money doing this. I assume I must have some skills that would transfer, but boy, right now I simply want to get off (again). And this is only after three weeks back.
