The Middle Chapters

Its been so long since I've posted. The new job is still great. D's company went belly-up in October (yeah!) and after 2 1/2 months, he starts a new job in January (yeah/boo!) -- while we need the income, it has been fantastic having him around. Apple is still a bad sleeper. Ironically enough, one of his first words was Apple.

After 2 kids, now aged almost 3 and 1, I feel like the recurrent miscarriage chapter is behind me. It took having the kids that we wanted and time. It was so hard to feel that something so important couldn't happen. That I was failing as something so essential to who I wanted to be. Even after having kids, it still took time to get over that feeling of betrayal.

I'm not certain which chapter I'm in now (which unfortunately still involves sleep deprivation) but all in all, its a pretty good one.

Although I officially started the new job 2 weeks ago, this is my first week of working everyday. I'm excited to be doing it. The new office seems so supportive of working parents. So many people either work part time or have flexible schedules, I'm simply part of the norm. Hurray! I'm sure that there will be bumps, but the vibe is so different that I'm already a lot happier and less frustrated.

Bacon is such fun and so much help with Apple. She wants to do everything herself right now, that is unless she wants me to do it all for her. Apple loves her and thinks she's the funniest. Apple is still a bad napper and doesn't sleep through the night. We're back to 2 wake ups a night where he won't go to sleep unless he nurses. Then he's up for the day sometime between 5:00 and 7:00 - usually more towards 5:00. I've been a bit sick this last week and dragging from missed sleep.

D is still working crazy hours and still loving his commute. He actually raised the possibility of thinking about moving on -- although he's not ready yet. There's got to be another company in the city that could use his skills but not expect him to work 24/7. As Apple gets older, the lack of D is getting easier. But, I'd still like the kids to see their father more than a few minutes a day.

New job starts tomorrow. I'm excited and a bit scared. I've committed myself to 75% time - a plan for the old or new job. I'm mostly confident that it will work perfectly, but . . . Most of my concerns are about finding a new nanny. Our current wonderful nanny is also a preschool teacher and my new hours won't match hers - once summer is over. When finding S, we simply interviewed a few people until we met her and it was simply a fit. As easy as that. The idea of welcoming a complete stranger into our home and entrusting our children to her seems extreme. Yet, it worked so well the last time. I may well be borrowing trouble to avoid thinking about the challenges of the new job; which looks to be fantastic.

The kids are great. Apple has mastered sitting up (although he can't get up or down by himself) and has started sleeping better. Last night he went from 7:30 to 4:45 with only one wake up. He went back down and got up for the day at 6:10. He's just like his sister in that we cannot push bedtime back to get any additional sleep in the morning. He accidently went to bed at 5:50 tonight, so I guess we'll see if moving it earlier has any effect to the positive. (Well, I can always hope.)

Well, D and I had part 2 of our "discussion" and got some things aired out and are now ignoring the fact that it ever happened. Mostly, I think this is good. I remember feeling generally hostile towards him before Bacon started sleeping through the night, so am chalking up a lot of my feelings to the place we are with Apple (and D's high work load).

The weather here is finally getting Spring-like. It is amazing how that can improve a mood. Yes Apple was spiking a fever Sunday, but it was sunny!

My work is moving along. D hasn't been working as many crazy hours and seems to prioritizing us a bit higher on the list. I think Spring and the fact that Apple is now six months old is also helping.

This two kids thing is tricky. Sleep is getting better, but work is heating up. D and I are playing the blame game. I said things I'd been thinking about for a while. I was surprised by what he had to say.

Geeze, you get what you want, but its not as easy as it looks.

Apple is turning into a mostly good napper and nights are getting more regular. D still has first shift - whether he's done with work until 4:00 am, then I get 4:00 to 8:00. Apple typically wakes between 10-11 and 2-3. If its been an easy night so far, then the 4 o'clock hour is often sketchy -- up a lot. He's waking up for the day at 6:15. I love splitting the nights. While I'm not getting a lot more sleep than if I took the whole night -- either D brings Apple in to nurse or Apple cries until he does (even if D gives him a bottle) -- which was from 2:15 to 3:45 am last night, I really like the fact that the whole thing doesn't fall on me. I think D likes being able to sleep in.

As for my weight - I chalk it up to nursing two (yes, I'm still doing it) and never sitting still. I'm planning to return to 3/4th time at work in June. We'll see if I balloon up with all the sitting and lack of nursing. I hestitant to buy clothes that fit, but it is nice when my pants aren't falling down.

Here's a quick post while Apple is down for a nap (!) and Bacon is watching Word Girl. (We watch way too much TV, but I can't figure out how to handle 2 without it.) Apple went into his crib in his room with weekend. D and I are splitting the nights; meaning he wakes me only once during his shift for a feed otherwise I'm off until 4 am. I still seem to be crazy tired, but I'm a lot less grumpy. The shared burden of nights makes me feel a lot less angry and hostile. Apple is getting better at taking his naps unconnected to a human body. In fact, he was getting a bit cranky, so I swaddled and nursed him, then laid him down. After about 3 minutes of crying, I gave him his pacifier and he seems to be down. Who knew it was that easy?

I'm now down to my lowest weight in over 5 years. I can't remember my weight just before the miscarriage years. I'm 8 pounds lighter than I was in the summer of 2003. Miscarriages just suck when it comes to weight -- or rather the gaining, then not losing, then gaining, etc.

D is still working crazy hours. He comes home around 6:00. Hangs out with us until the kids are in bed and then works until around 11:00. He thinks that a break may be in sight after the end of next week. Boy, that would be nice.