The Middle Chapters

Until Bacon was about 12 months old, I met with a moms and babies group. We started meeting when the babies were a few months old. Every meeting involved everyone discussing their highs and lows since the last meeting. Being high risk pregnant with some complications is emotionally similar to having a new baby. The facts are complicated by the worry. The fact that everything is fine can come crashing down in a second based on - well, nothing really.

I'm feeling really good this week -- ever since I went to the doctor on Monday to check on some pesky contractions. Bacon is teething, so seriously cranky at times, but generally a lot of fun. She's so kid-like (as opposed to baby-like) these days. She loves berries, airplanes, dogs, balloons, and her nanny. She loves, loves, loves her nanny.

I was thinking of the lows when I got an email from one of the moms who was in my group. I haven't seen her or any of the other members in about 6 months, although we do email periodically. Her husband just died. Unexpectantly. He just died. I can't even wrap my mind around it. H and I - my thoughts are with you.

Since I started blogging, I very rarely refer to my family other than D and Bacon and G dog or D's family. Mine is, well, tiring. When I first went on bedrest in July and was seriously freaked about the terrible things that might happen if I did too much, I asked both my mom (who runs a small business with my dad) and my sister (who is a stay at home mom with kids aged 9, 12, and 15) if they could come and help out. Prior to that, mom has been trying to plan a visit since January. (We actually even had dates picked back in Feb., but something came up.) Sister has been in a serious funk about her marriage and life. In late spring, I offered my frequent flyer miles to bring her out here for a break.

As things currently stand, sister is willing to come out for a few days on my miles if the days and the times are right (both moving targets) during a 2 week window in September. (I get the idea that she doesn't know how miles work.) Mom is waiting to see what sister does before she's willing to plan anything, but happened to mention this morning that September (which is the month she swore since June would be a good time for her to visit each time she postponed her visit) is now not good because of work. And not because of anything that's come up, but rather an annual deadline that has been annual since forever.

I've lived on the opposite coast from my family for 15 years now. My sister has been out twice including one visit for my wedding. My father, who is still happily (if he's actually ever happy) married to my mom, has been out twice. Once for work and once for my wedding. He's only seen Bacon because we flew back with her for his birthday last year and mom's birthday this year.

My mom's birthday was the first time in eight years that all of us kids and almost all of the grandkids (8 out of 9) have been together in one place. It lasted about 3 hours. I, generally, get along with everyone. But, they don't get along with each other. They just don't seem to like each other. (At least there haven't been any fights or death threats for over 10 years.)

Everything having to do with my family takes so much work. Even with a lot of effort, there's a good chance that things are going to crash and burn - or someone will change their mind and just not show up (sometimes after I've already flown across the country).

Reading over this entry, I wonder why I try and I guess it comes down to family. This is who I've got. I want to love and support them and I want them to love and support me. I want them to want to know Bacon and baby x. I feel so blessed to have my family here at home - D, Bacon and G dog - and D's family. My other family just makes me sigh.

Another factor in last week's cryfest was failing the one hour glucose test. Today was the 3 hour. I was dreading it, but it wasn't bad - 1 glucola chug, 4 blood draws and 3 hours hanging around the lab and I was done. I may even get the results tomorrow. I really don't think I failed it, but we'll see.

Monday I had my every two week ultrasound. Cervix still stable at 2.5 mm and plenty of fluid. I gained 2 more pounds.

Life seems more positive this week. I'm feeling better with some activity. The contractions are around, but not in any pattern (since Sunday). The best news from Monday's ultrasound is that baby x is estimated at weighing 3 lbs. 2 oz. This just sounds so much like a baby. That combined with the fact that I'm now 28 weeks, using any method of measurement, means that we're in a good place.

Sometimes its easier to focus on the hurdles. Sometimes the hurdles are still there, but just don't matter. Today the hurdles seem small.

I'm at 27 and 1/2 weeks and things are better. Tuesday and Friday I took care of Bacon. Tuesday was tough - I think primarily because I had been lying in bed for 4 weeks. Friday was better. The contractions are generally minimal, although I did have two hours of contractions this morning that has led me to stay in bed so far today. They've mostly stopped.

This week has been a big crying week - I'll blame the pregnancy hormones related to my general sense of being out of control. I've been able to do some of everything this week, which should be a really positive thing. But, strangely this has been the most emotional week since I was first put on bedrest. I'm finding being able to do some things, but not really enough of anything hard.

Bacon's fabulous nanny returns to pre-school in 2 weeks, which means if I'm not up for taking care of Bacon during her available hours, we've got to come up with another plan. We have a plan in the works, but, there's something about not being able to handle things that makes me simply not want to think about it.

All that being said, the weeks are passing and we're getting somewhere. As long as I can focus on the big picture, I'm okay. Its when I think short-term - my inability to do things, including earning money while paying the nanny to take care of Bacon - that I get side-tracked. Ommmmm.

Using your LMP to determine your due date is based on the concept that most women don't know when they conceived. If you've done IVF or an IUI, you know. If you've tracking your ovulation for months or happen to have had only one conception-causing event in the requisite time period, you know. In trying to push baby x's development along, I've been trying to use my ultrasound dates for gestation when I know they're not right. In this case, I know because baby x was conceived at the tale end of the worst part of the stomach flu. The stomach flu that hit right after Valentine's Day dinner that I had cooked and involved about eight hours of gut-wrenching unpleasantness, days of don't come near me, and weeks of "yuck." (D got a lighter case that started in the early morning the following day, and didn't linger nearly as long.)

Even with feeling less than par, I knew when ovulation should arrive and the needed activities to get the desired result. Which activities ensued on the necessary day with the results being baby x.

With Bacon, it was a bit trickier, since I had started BCPs in preparation for IVF, only to stop a few days later at the recommendation of the recurrent miscarriage specialist. But, based on the days I was out of town for work followed shortly thereafter by a camping trip with lots of friends, I know the day. (As an aside, do people actually tell their children these details or husbands for that matter? I guess you could always give them cute nick-names like stomach-flu and back from work.)

While I'm very happy that they do ultrasound measuring to check on development, the whole ultrasound dating thing seems like another way to say to expectant moms that they really don't know what's going on. Regardless of when your LMP was and when you claim to have ovulated, this is actually how far along your baby is. And while I'm a bit flabbergasted by the idea that they don't think I know what has happened, I want them to be right - maybe everything did happen a week earlier than I thought it did.

So today is either 28d0 or 27d1. I still like their numbers better.

Since I'm still contracting through the ibruprofen - not constantly, and not even that often (mostly) if I'm horizontal, but it does happen up when I'm up and about - I get to take nifedipine too. No cervix measurements this week - I get to go back to the ultrasound place next Monday. I gained 2 lbs. this past week. Makes sense with the brownies and whatnot I've been eating - up to 157 lbs.

What a great weekend. C was in from Europe. J set up a 2 hour boat trip for the girls. I love the girls. What a great break from bedrest. (Very limited walking and very calm sitting.) Unfortunately, I felt bad on Sunday and don't feel great today, but Saturday night was so much fun. Just having a few hours of isolated adult girl time - hearing everyone's stories - was simply wonderful. These women are people I've known for years. Everyone has faced hurdles, but they're such positive people. I'm still buzzing from the residual good vibe.

My weekly OB appointment is later today. I get to drink the glucola today. Last time around I got lucky enough to do the 3 hour test. (I have very strong memories of sleeping in the lab's waiting room between blood tests.) Hopefully, I won't have to go through that again this time (and of course, hopefully I don't have gestational diabetes.)

Everything is stable - cervix 2.7 cm; fluid levels are good. I get to get up periodically and start helping out more with Bacon. Yeah! They are still going to check me every week to make sure things stay where they are with the goal to keep baby x in and keep me out of the hospital.

So far bed rest has lasted almost 3 weeks. Once I got through most of the worry and fear that the baby was going to come very soon, time has passed quickly. Now that I can get up and do some things without (too much) worry, I think it will be even better.

I'm so hoping I get to get up soon. Today an ultrasound at my OB's office showed the same cervical length - 2.5 cm. She did a fetal fibronectin test - results on Monday. If its negative and I have a "stable" ultrasound on Tuesday (at the radiologist's) I get to get up some. My OB okayed my attendance at a meeting on Monday afternoon (assuming a negative). Hooray!

I've been using my ultrasound due date which makes me 26w2d. According to my original dates, I'm 25w3d. I like the first numbers better. I now weigh 155 lbs.; up 1 lb. from last week; but down 0.5 from 2 weeks ago. Apparently kit-kats and ice cream are good for weight maintenance - go figure. Weight gain = 12 lbs.

I got a new client this week. Not the referral from several weeks ago, that didn't happen, but another one. Yeah! Its a bunch of stuff I can do from home and the meeting on Monday. Very cool.

Bacon had her 18 month doctor's visit today. She sounds like a lollipop - 10% weight; 50% height; and 75% head. She's finally over 20 pounds - 20 lbs. 12 oz. I swear she eats constantly.