The Middle Chapters

Physically that is. I had a good appointment on Friday. Weight: 154 1/2; urine: negative for anything; amniotic fluid levels: good; heartbeat: proper excelerations and decelerations associated with movement. And although I felt pretty bad - no contractions. It kinda threw me for a loop. I thought I was getting better at interpreting what was normal pregnant and what was not. Apparently this is not so.

After a long internal dialogue, I've decided that - whatever - I'm simply going to err on the side of caution for at least another week - get through week 25 and then I'll start testing the water more. She's growing well and everything still looks like it should, but it would totally suck if I did something unnecessary that changed the status quo.

DH and I watched wonderful baby S briefly yesterday afternoon. It was very cool to see DH with the baby (who was seriously off her nap and feeding schedule by the time we got her and was very cranky). While it was only an hour and a half, it was still great to watch him try to problem solve, enjoy interacting with her, and work to get her what she needed. What a good papa he'll be!

I'm still mostly resting while trying to get some work done from home - and sinking into a pit of depression. I've never gotten the contractions back like they were for the first several days. Whenever things get really tight or uncomfortable, I lay down (which is where I am most of the day anyway). HR at work contacted me yesterday via email and I received their letter today. I'm over my vacation hours, so won't receive a full paycheck this pay period. While this is totally understandable, for some reason it really felt like a blow. Oh, and they're putting me on FMLA. I can apply for short term disability once I've been off work for 2 weeks.

My problem seems to be wanting to meet my work "commitments" (this is totally coming from me - work isn't pushing in the least), not being able to, and feeling unworthy, lost and useless. I've been doing some (pretty limited) work each day. But, I don't know if this is helping (me or work). I think it comes down to feeling like I should know the perfect level of activity I can do without causing any problems with the pregnancy; feeling like I should be doing more, while worrying that if I do more, it might cause unnecessary problems. Overall, its the pregnancy that matters. But, knowing that still isn't resolving the feelings I'm having.

After a great day and doctor's visit on Friday (no contractions!) and a great morning Saturday, things went downhill. I seriously felt better than I had in weeks on Saturday morning. But, then the revenge kicked in. Still, not as many contractions as I've had, but more a general unpleasant feeling. S's baptism was beautiful this morning, but now I'm in bed with no desire to get up.

I emailed work on Friday saying that I would call on Monday to discuss my work. Team leader and our boss are both out of the office, so it will be pushed back to Tuesday. I'm surprised by the mixture of feelings I'm having over not pulling my weight at work. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised - when the other team members were billing so many more hours than me, I mostly wasn't concerned, but there was a bit of me that thought I was slacking. Last week I was close to worthless, which wasn't so bad because I told myself that it was short term. Now that things have gotten better, then not so better, I'm not sure how this will work.

Any kind of limbo just sucks. If I knew I couldn't work, I think I'd be fine. If I knew I could work; again fine. But this middle ground of not knowing - I'd prefer not to be here. I want to do what is reasonable, but there's the scary possibility (not sure how big it actually is) that if I overdo things, it will increase the chances of little girl coming out too soon. I just feel nervous and emotional today and wish I could fast-forward time to late January or better yet, late February after the successful arrival of healthy baby girl.

We had an excellent ultrasound today - baby girl: good; cervix: good (3.6 cm) - but contractions - still there. They've put me on modified bed rest through Friday with continued ibuprofen every 6 hours. I get a maximum of 2 hours upright, then a minimum of 2 horizontal. I don't feel a huge desire to be upright seeing that that's what seems to bring on the contractions, but it is good to know that they don't think it will lead to bad things.

The on-call doctor said that they don't usually see contractions this early. He's hesistant to put me on full bed rest for so long. They're simply not sure that it will help. But, he also told the story that his wife was on extended bed rest because the drugs made her sick. Apparently she also had contractions with no actual labor. She ultimately delivered via C-section at 36 weeks.

I feel more comfortable doing what the doctor and his wife resolved to do rather than just randomly pick. (Its kind of like those commercials that say 4 out of 5 dentists use brand x. Although, I always assumed that they use brand x because of all the free samples.) As long as I can stand it, erring on the side of caution sounds good to me.

After all the testing related to the miscarriages turning up nothing and now this, my theory is that I have a very touchy uterus. One that doesn't do a good job at holding onto embryos and one that is irritated by little girl's gymnastics. On the other hand, my cervix has proven to be pretty tough - it didn't want to let go for 2 of the 4 miscarriages and now wants nothing to do with the party in my uterus. (I'm just hoping that this early contracting won't make it say uncle.)

I like my theory much better than what I think the leading theory is (advanced material age and eggs). I have no idea if this is right, but it could be so I'm sticking to it.

Well the wonder drug didn't work so wonderfully. Still no labor, but contractions - check. Another trip to the hospital, a shot of terbutaline, and orders for bedrest later and I feel - achy and a bit nervous. My cervix is still closed - a fabulous thing, but I can't seem to shake the contractions. The doctors and nurses can't tell me if it's anything serious because they simply don't know. I still need to go in for an ultrasound tomorrow - I don't know what they're looking for - and I'll either be stuck here in bed or not.

It's amazing how different lounging in bed is compared to "BED REST." My orders are for bathroom breaks and 3-4 times per day being upright for up to 15 minutes. So the phone - it's downstairs, as is the TV and the kitchen. Do I use up one of my 15 minutes to transfer? What if I forget something? I know I'll figure this out, but right now it is looming over me.

I've already contacted my team at work to let them know that the local trip I was supposed to cover this week - not going to happen. We've got coverage for the early part of the week and are working to get the rest covered.

The good news is that baby girl seems to be doing fine and if this will help keep it that way, in bed I will stay. We're just about 23 weeks. Just several more to go to get us in the safety zone.

Yesterday was a day of pre-term contractions. Much better than pre-term labor (especially at 22 weeks), but still scary. Standing and walking were uncomfortable. Then came the "clenching" - at least that's what it felt like. I thought about just going home and laying down, but instead called the doctor. They had me come in and put me on a monitor, after first checking the baby's heartbeat. It was going strong. The monitor confirmed the contractions.

Very wonderfully, an exam showed that my cervix was closed and long (which I understand is good). The doctor even commented that with my history of miscarriages and accompanying D&Cs, she was surprised at how good it was. They gave me Advil - you know the drug they say not to take when you're pregnant? Apparently, it stops pre-term contractions.

But, unfortunately, not right away. Because the contractions weren't stopping, they wheeled me over to the hospital for an ultrasound. (The doctor's office is connected via a sky bridge to the hosptial - very handy.) After more monitoring showing more contractions, they had me lay on my side and left me waiting for the ultrasound to become available. After an hour and a half, still no ultrasound, but the contractions were much better. They sent me home with directions to seek an ultrasound through my doctor's office on Monday.

It was scary. I can't seem to help but think the worst. But, it really wasn't that bad. One nurse said the contractions looked like I had an irritable uterus. The doctor simply said it may be something or it may be nothing. My blood tests came back normal (except for borderline anemia which calls for an iron supplement) and my blood pressure is great (105/54).

The contractions weren't painful, just uncomfortable. I felt like a sissy calling the doctor and getting checked out. But, I also felt very relieved that I did. Although the doctor's office and the hospital were very busy, I didn't feel neglected - just the opposite. It was a good hosptial experience to have after my last one (a very unpleasant D&C) and will likely make any future visits better.

Thanks to sleep and the internet, I'm not so worried these days (meaning I'm still worried, but it's not the overwhelming factor of the day).

My best friend got pregnant in the short time between my second and third miscarriages. She delivered the week of my fourth miscarriage. I did not enjoy her pregnancy. I tried to be supportive. I co-hosted her baby shower. But, boy, I was just torn up inside.

Now that things are going well for us, I wish I had been able to experience it with her. When something weird or cool happens, I always seem to think, "I dont' remember L talking about this." But, then she wouldn't have or if she did, I likely blocked it out.

Even after her beautiful baby girl was born, I was in the pit of depression. We were both off from work, so spent a lot of time together. At that point, she had a lot of stories - mostly about sleep or the lack thereof. But, by then, I could at least smile and nod.

In a few weeks, beautiful S will be baptized and we're going to be her godparents. (Before saying yes, L and I re-discussed my issues with faith and we're good to go.) I'm excited for them to have such a wonderful girl and so glad that I get to be a part of it (and glad that I will enjoy it). I'm working on the remaining part of me that holds onto the sadness and loss that children still remind me of.

A few days ago I couldn't believe the confidence I had in this pregnancy. I started making plans. I started a baby registry. And then the pendulum swung. Nothing has happened. Nothing has gone wrong. But I just got overwhelmed by the possibilities. This week I'm 21 weeks pregnant - a wonderful place to be. But its still short of success (especially for a recurrent miscarriager). I find myself focusing on all the things that could go wrong and have to wonderful people. I can't let go of the fact that my sister was on bed rest for 2 out of 3 of her pregnancies. Is there a way to avoid accidents with the umbilical cord?

Yesterday I looked up the stats on survival for delivery at various weeks. 23-25 weeks - not so good and a significant chance of continued health problems. I really need to get to 28 weeks for things to be relatively okay. Again, there's no indication that anything is going wrong, but I just can't stop the worrying.

Stay strong baby girl. We want to see you after you're all done cooking.