The Middle Chapters

So after whining a bit in my last entry and a lot in my head, I took the uterus by the something and made appointments. I now have a fancy return visit to my RE and I got me some accupuncture coming up.

While I can't say that either helped with my recent success, they certainly didn't hurt. Maybe they know new stuff since I went through everything during 2003-2005?

Well, last week was a full on bout of teething - but still no teeth! Bacon's sleep went from bad to worse. Wednesday night she was up from 1:30-5:30. She stopped eating solids and was generally unhappy. Things got better over the weekend. Sleep better and oh those yummy solids. One of the hard parts about the bad sleep (other than no sleep) is the idea that by caving to the crying, we're creating a monster. It was great to see that once we were through the worst of things, Bacon's sleeping went back to it's current good - which is up 2-3 times a night for a short nurse, then right back to sleep. Yesterday she took 3 1/2 hours of naps and then went to bed an hour early!

I saw a friend on Sunday who is pregnant and due in February. Apparently she had a tough first trimester and is worried about life after having a baby. I was trying to be realistic, but feel bad for the bad rap I gave motherhood. I confirmed her fears without really getting into the good parts. It's hard to explain because, yes, your life is no longer your own. Sleep and clean clothes are a thing of the past. But I wouldn't trade it in. The fact that you actually get a baby is so cool.

I found out about her pregnancy earlier in the week and felt - jealous. Funny, because I know she's had a tough time with fibroids and had surgery to deal with issues and possibly get pregnant. I knew then that she'd have to have an early C-section to make sure no bad things happen. But . . . After our hard week, D asked what was going on. The lack of sleep and pain thing were a big part of it. But it's also near the end of a 2ww and I'm worried/nervous/scared. While I want another baby, I'm scared of what might happen to get there. D says I'm getting ahead of myself, which I am. But miscarriages and troublesome pregnancies are painful and emotionally difficult. He might be able to forget everything that went into having Bacon - and I can in large part when I'm thinking about her - but the thought of doing it all again are daunting right now.

Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones and whatever wasn't working before will be magically fixed now. I guess I won't know until I get there.

This was advise from my husband this morning after Bacon was up from 2:00-4:00 and then woke for the morning at 6:00. The plugged duct - back again. I took her and G-dog for a walk in the pouring rain. G got out of the back yard (again). Then Bacon started talking and crying and fussing non-stop. I fed her her mid-morning meal at 8:00 in the hopes that it would help her calm down. This is when the advise came. It actually was right on target. When I can't get her to sleep or to settle down, I do feel responsible and - inadequate I guess.

I think one of the reasons that things have gotten to be so much fun for me lately (with a 7 1/2 month old) is because I don't constantly feel like I'm on the verge of doing something wrong with Bacon. I'm not always afraid of SIDS or an allergic reaction. She can do so much more and can generally communicate so much better that my general fear levels have improved a ton.

That being said, lack of sleep and pain can still wipe me out very quickly. This is also part of what's going on today. Since going back to work, Tuesdays have been my favorite days. There's just a vacation feeling about the day. Today, not so much. It's raining buckets. The dog is wet. The baby is fussy. And I've got a pain in the boob. We're definitely having sushi for lunch. (My comfort food.) Now if I can only get Bacon down for a nap.

Life with Bacon is still very fun - but - sleep is getting worse again, fussing is increasing. Still no crawling - but - she's now working on pulling up! She easily gets to her knees, but wants more. Naps are either huge or non-existent. Okay, this has only been going on since Saturday, but that's already enough of this phase.

I think I finally get it. The silly glee that other moms have when talking about their lives with their babies. I wasn't there until very recently. The pain and sleeplessness are still there. Was I depressed? I don't know. Is it just that Bacon is growing up and has become a lot of fun? I just don't know, but I'm just really enjoying things now. Even though she woke up at 4:15 this morning and I had to be at work at 7. Even though D stayed after work for drinks with an exiting co-worker (he called first to make sure I wasn't beyond reason) and baby girl spit up on me continuously - both before and after her bath. It's just fun.

Maybe this is part of my last entry - the idea that regardless of what took to get here, it was worth it. Can I do it all again if I need to? I'm not sure. Would 4 miscarriages be as hard for me with Bacon at home? While I don't think so, I just have no idea. If it is, can I bring that home to Bacon every day? We'll just have to wait and see about all of it.

I'm still really enjoying working part time, but today was my full day and I was sad that I didn't get to hang out with Bacon all day. I'm just so curious about what the future will bring, but I'm just having a great time right now.

For the last week or so, I've been nostalgic for my pregnancy. Yes, the time I was constantly worried, in pain, on bedrest and so forth. I'm even nostalgic for when Bacon was brand new. Again, this wasn't a particularly fun time at the time, but with my current blurry view of the past, it had so much potential. I think the source of these unrealistic but fun feelings is how enjoyable Bacon has become. She's becoming such an independent person - mostly sunny, sleeping a bit better, who can do all these things now like feed herself finger food and play with G dog. I found myself crying when I was packing up the clothes that she's outgrown - thinking about the times we had "when she was little," and what we did.

I'm hopeful that I'll get to do all of that "fun" stuff again. I think I can handle some more trouble to get the wonderful bundle at the end.

I had lunch the other day with an old co-worker. In catching her up on life events, I mentioned the 4 miscarriages I had before Bacon. It was interesting - rather than the baby I had, she seemed to focus on the miscarriages. I did the opposite - I really didn't want to think or talk about them - while still acknowledging that they happened. While they are part of my history, I don't want to be defined by them. In catching me up about people still at the old office, I heard many sad things. I'm not sure why that was the case - perhaps just chance that a bunch of sad things had happened to this group of people. But, I don't want to be defined by the sad things in my life but rather the happy.

I know this couple who seem to be among the most blessed people I know. Good things seem to fall in their laps. Our group of friends marvel at the wonderful things that happen to them. But I know the hardships in their pasts. Its a great testament to who they are that they aren't defined by some of this history. That the bad things that happened haven't gotten in the way of their presents and their futures.

That's the kind of person I want to be. Someone who people say, wow she really has a blessed life. I feel that blessed at the moment (and most of the time). My childhood - bumpy. The baby thing - bumpy. The present - wonderful.