Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Revisionist's History
For the last week or so, I've been nostalgic for my pregnancy. Yes, the time I was constantly worried, in pain, on bedrest and so forth. I'm even nostalgic for when Bacon was brand new. Again, this wasn't a particularly fun time at the time, but with my current blurry view of the past, it had so much potential. I think the source of these unrealistic but fun feelings is how enjoyable Bacon has become. She's becoming such an independent person - mostly sunny, sleeping a bit better, who can do all these things now like feed herself finger food and play with G dog. I found myself crying when I was packing up the clothes that she's outgrown - thinking about the times we had "when she was little," and what we did.
I'm hopeful that I'll get to do all of that "fun" stuff again. I think I can handle some more trouble to get the wonderful bundle at the end.
I had lunch the other day with an old co-worker. In catching her up on life events, I mentioned the 4 miscarriages I had before Bacon. It was interesting - rather than the baby I had, she seemed to focus on the miscarriages. I did the opposite - I really didn't want to think or talk about them - while still acknowledging that they happened. While they are part of my history, I don't want to be defined by them. In catching me up about people still at the old office, I heard many sad things. I'm not sure why that was the case - perhaps just chance that a bunch of sad things had happened to this group of people. But, I don't want to be defined by the sad things in my life but rather the happy.
I know this couple who seem to be among the most blessed people I know. Good things seem to fall in their laps. Our group of friends marvel at the wonderful things that happen to them. But I know the hardships in their pasts. Its a great testament to who they are that they aren't defined by some of this history. That the bad things that happened haven't gotten in the way of their presents and their futures.
That's the kind of person I want to be. Someone who people say, wow she really has a blessed life. I feel that blessed at the moment (and most of the time). My childhood - bumpy. The baby thing - bumpy. The present - wonderful.
I'm hopeful that I'll get to do all of that "fun" stuff again. I think I can handle some more trouble to get the wonderful bundle at the end.
I had lunch the other day with an old co-worker. In catching her up on life events, I mentioned the 4 miscarriages I had before Bacon. It was interesting - rather than the baby I had, she seemed to focus on the miscarriages. I did the opposite - I really didn't want to think or talk about them - while still acknowledging that they happened. While they are part of my history, I don't want to be defined by them. In catching me up about people still at the old office, I heard many sad things. I'm not sure why that was the case - perhaps just chance that a bunch of sad things had happened to this group of people. But, I don't want to be defined by the sad things in my life but rather the happy.
I know this couple who seem to be among the most blessed people I know. Good things seem to fall in their laps. Our group of friends marvel at the wonderful things that happen to them. But I know the hardships in their pasts. Its a great testament to who they are that they aren't defined by some of this history. That the bad things that happened haven't gotten in the way of their presents and their futures.
That's the kind of person I want to be. Someone who people say, wow she really has a blessed life. I feel that blessed at the moment (and most of the time). My childhood - bumpy. The baby thing - bumpy. The present - wonderful.
