The Middle Chapters

What a difference a few weeks make. Bacon is back to sleeping better. She was up 3 times last night versus the 8-10 a few weeks ago. What was with the every hour thing? No idea. I've read somewhere that babies may wake up more right before they learn new skills or when they are making developmental leaps. While Bacon has grown up a lot over the last month or so, I really can't say if that's what caused the rough sleeping or whether it was anything or whether it was nothing.

I finally went to the doctor and got an antibiotic and a pain reliever. I guess the antibiotic worked. No plugged ducts for over a week - hurray!

Bacon is almost 6 months old. We had her 6 month check up yesterday. She's now 26 inches long and weighs 15 1/2 pounds. She's right around 50 % for everything. She seems to be in perfect health. We both took her shots well.

People keep asking if she's small. It's been making me a bit defensive. I keep answering that she's medium. But it does somehow feel like a comment on my parenting or the wellness of my baby. She's doing great though - talking up a storm (total nonesense of course), eating her toes, and eating food more and more all the time.

Sleeping and being pain-free are simply wonderful things. The world is just a better place. I'm still not getting anything really done around the house - like boxes unpacked or the bathroom painted. But just enjoying the baby is the most important thing.

Finally, we've hired a nanny - just today. She'll be coming in 2 mornings and one full day a week while I help out at the office. I'm excited. Ms. S seems great. Both Bacon and the dog seem to really like her. She is almost done raising her own kids and is a pre-school teacher. I'm hoping that this will work for all of us for a good long while.

Bacon is 5 1/2 months old. She's doing great. Sleep training/sleeping - not so great. But with modifications, it is getting better. Since she was born, it feels like its been one thing or another. Sore nipples, sleep deprivation, plugged milk ducts, moving, illness, sleep deprivation and then back to plugged milk ducts. Lately, she's been wanting to eat every 1 1/2 to 2 hours - day and night. Feedings end with crying. I'm guessing that I'm not producing enough milk at the moment. At most I seem to get a break of a day or two before the next problem kicks in. It has to get better.

We've introduced rice cereal, avocado and pear. She's really not interested in any of them, but has started to like the spoon. Bacon has been refusing the bottle. As of yesterday (!), she's willing to drink through a sippy cup, so at least there is a way that she can get food other than through me.

I am enjoying motherhood and having the baby. But, truthfully, I thought it would be easier than this. I was somewhat prepared for the first few months to be hard. But, I thought it would be easier by now. It's not that Bacon is difficult. When she has eaten and slept, she's wonderful. It's just getting me enough sleep and painfree times that's the hard part.

Although it's basically the only topic for me these days, I'll refrain from discussing it today. Today's topic instead is guilt. I'll keep it brief, but I am amazed at the amount I can worry about what I'm doing, what I want to do, and what I may do with Bacon. It was so hard to get her and she is such a joy, but (a) I want to go back to work part time, (b) I simply can't take 100% responsibility for her 100% of the time, and (c) how am I ever going to be away from her when she won't take a bottle?

It's amazing how much the worries and guilt are reduced when I'm not deprived of the thing I'm not discussing today. On those bright days, it's easy to note that, while I'm home all days and have a chance to nap, getting up with her all night every night, is just too much. Staying sick for 2 weeks should be telling me something.

This feels like my job, which just happens to be 24/7. It feels like something I should be able to do without help from my husband. But I just can't. I keep thinking that my mom cared for 4 of us with limited help from my father and single parents do it all the time, but - I can't.

I miss feeling competent at something - and earning money. I try to tell myself that Bacon's smiles, good health and growth are the signs that I'm doing this right, but it's not the same. With the new mortgage and me not working, we have to dip into savings every month to make ends meet. While, with the great sale of the old house, that's doable, it makes me very uncomfortable. The 2 days a week that my company has agreed to will make a big difference in both.

How do you pick a nanny? I interviewed my first one last week. It was an easy no, but will there be an easy yes? We still haven't even used a sitter or left Bacon with a friend.

I wonder if all of this would have been different if I'd done it earlier in life. If I hadn't been working in my field for almost 15 years. If having a child had come easier.

From the baby's end: sleep training and (a) fireworks, (b) roofers, and (c) colds don't seem to work. From my end: (a) sleep deprivation, (b) taking care of the baby all night every night, and (c) an endless sore throat definitely don't work. We seem to be done with the first 3 (although I'm wondering if teething is starting). Bacon is still waking up several times a night, but soothes very quickly. Today's naps were very good. D has started taking part of the nights which is helping a lot with 4 and 5. Now if we could only lick 6. I keep thinking I'm getting better, but then I don't. (This is sounding very familiar - remember the milk ducts?) I'm trying to eat, drink and sleep better. I hate going to the doctor and having them say that there's nothing they can do about the virus I've picked up.

Bacon is doing great - she's now rolling over (both ways) at will. I got a call today from a client about my return to work - a part time return is in the works. A general wonderful offer was made which I doubt I'll accept. But still - having someone talk about their confidence in my abilities when I've missed so much time in the past year is simply great to hear.

Minimal fireworks. Sounds funny but it's true. Our city has 2 big fireworks displays on the 4th of July. One could be heard from our old house. In our old neighborhood, people set off their own fireworks for the week surrounding the 4th. Lots of very loud fireworks. Our dear dog G would be close to catatonic by the end of the week. As a rescued dog, he's very fragile about the things he's fragile about, like loud noises. He's typically spends the night of the 4th in our bed buried under me - or as close to under me as he can get. The rest of the week is not good.

With tomorrow being the 4th, it has been a wonderful almost firework-free lead up to the day. G-dog has been doing great. The roofers working on the new roof today didn't even bother him too much. I'm trying to come up with the reason why the difference. The best I can come up with is that the new neighborhood seems generally limited to retirees and families with young children. The old neighborhood had everyone in it. I guess including people who liked to set off fireworks. True, older people and babies don't seem to be big consumers of fireworks.

We pick up the rest of our furniture at the old house tomorrow, sign papers on Wednesday, and close on Thursday. Hurray, we're almost entirely in our new house! Note to self: next time I'm thinking about moving with a newborn, I think I'll move before the baby arrives.

A Bacon note - she truly loves G-dog. She reaches for him when he's nearby and seems to love his licks. The other day she fussed when he left the room and calmed when I called him back in. Very cute.