The Middle Chapters

Except for the continued brown spotting, everything is still good. I did go in for an ultrasound last week - the day I went out of town for a week. We saw a heart beat! I just had another ultrasound today. More heart beat - 136 beats per minute - and growing appropriately with my late ovulation - 7w0d. I got an estimated due date today for mid November - wow. And the receptionist asked if I had picked an OB yet. That was a bit startling, but just more evidence that they just don't deal with a lot of miscarriage.

About the spotting - the person who did the ultrasound noted that I'm very vascular - she showed me on the ultrasound. Apparently the last pregnancy did it and that may be the source of the bleeding. If so, apparently its no big deal. I like this idea. It gives me something to rely on. Although all of my other pregnancies that involved spotting ended in miscarriage, this one can be different because I'm so very vascular now. Okay, I can work with that.

Monday my hcg was 1720. More spotting on Tuesday that has continued going from red to brown. Today's ultrasound was - fine. Too early to see a fetal pole or heart beat. Everything measured as it should, but the whole experience was - disappointing - as if I had done something wrong by having an ultrasound so early. My doctor changed offices and I didn't get to see him. I'm not sure if this experience was because of that and their inexperience with recurrent miscarriage or just my spin on events. With my last (and only successful) pregnancy, my doctor let me have 2 ultrasounds a week during the early part. Today I was told to come back in 7-10 days, with the off-handed comment that there was nothing that could be done if . . .

I'm emotional and achy in the lower front part. I'm trying to tell myself that this could all be progesterone induced. But, I don't feel right. I can't explain beyond that. I'm trying to put it all out of my mind. But, its hard. It seems that if I move beyond mere necessity I spot. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize things, but if spotting is a sign of jeopardy, it doesn't seem like I can exist without jeopardy. I'm too good at worrying.

Friday's beta was 471 - double from Wednesday would have been 486. So, not bad news. I have another beta scheduled for Monday (for my peace of mind) and then an ultrasound on Thursday. If I can only get through next week . . . Of course, then it will be the week after that.

When the spotting started on Tuesday, I just assumed that we were done. While I was sad, it wasn't the gut wrenching sadness of the miscarriages before we got to keep Bacon. I so want this to work, but if it doesn't, I still am so blessed. While I believe this 100%, I find myself repeating this frequently as a tool not to get too attached to this possibility -- the rug can't be pulled out from under me if there's no rug.

Monday's beta was 67.4 and progesterone was 22. Spotting started yesterday afternoon. Took a break. More this morning. Today's beta 243. Oh hell.

Tomorrow is 14 days from typical ovation for me. Today I got a light second line on a FRED. I've been super tired since Wednesday, but have had a sick baby for a month - yes, a month. It's been 3 ear infections (4 if you count the one that was double) and a sinus infection and two rounds of antibiotics for her. And, as a bonus, 2 sore throats and stomach flu for both me and D. We had good birthdays, but I certainly hope March is a healthier month for the family.

I also hope (hope!) that this is it and it sticks around. . .