The Middle Chapters

Monday my hcg was 1720. More spotting on Tuesday that has continued going from red to brown. Today's ultrasound was - fine. Too early to see a fetal pole or heart beat. Everything measured as it should, but the whole experience was - disappointing - as if I had done something wrong by having an ultrasound so early. My doctor changed offices and I didn't get to see him. I'm not sure if this experience was because of that and their inexperience with recurrent miscarriage or just my spin on events. With my last (and only successful) pregnancy, my doctor let me have 2 ultrasounds a week during the early part. Today I was told to come back in 7-10 days, with the off-handed comment that there was nothing that could be done if . . .

I'm emotional and achy in the lower front part. I'm trying to tell myself that this could all be progesterone induced. But, I don't feel right. I can't explain beyond that. I'm trying to put it all out of my mind. But, its hard. It seems that if I move beyond mere necessity I spot. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize things, but if spotting is a sign of jeopardy, it doesn't seem like I can exist without jeopardy. I'm too good at worrying.