Saturday, September 08, 2007
Thoughts on the future
Earlier in this pregnancy I was seriously worried about the idea of caring for 2 little ones. I still feel a touch of panic when D and I are in some situation with Bacon that is taking effort from both of us and he asks if I can imagine it with two. But, Bacon, who is now 19 months old, is getting so grown up that it doesn't seem so bad. Multiples sounds overwhelming to me. Sleep deprivation is simply bad no matter how many kids/babies there are. While I definitely expect two to be much busier, I'm not nearly as frightened as I was when Bacon was younger and her needs more similar to those of a younger baby.
Pregnancy has a lot of good things, but, for me, its also a time of some fear about the future; both near and far. I can't physically do what I want to do. I'm not earning my potential. I'm facing time off of work with even less income coming in, plus a sidestep in my "career," and well, I look funny. Its not that I think that I won't get back to where I want to at work and that D will find some hot young thing. But, I'm definitely a bit off balance and feel less certain about myself.
D and I don't talk about the future much. We've started a college fund for Bacon and will for baby x. We've spoken a bit about vacations in the next few years. (This year got skipped with bedrest and D's new job.) But D has said a few things lately that I just find - cool; reassuring; sweet; wonderful - that I'm assuming have a lot to do with pregnancy hormones and this sense of vague uncertainty. The other day we were out driving somewhere when D noted that some day we will have spent more time together than we have apart. This morning I was talking about something and his response was that whatever it was wouldn't happen until we were retired. We've been together for less than five years. I'm 40. Clearly, these times that are coming are decades away. For some reason (hormones?), his simple assumption that these events will come to pass just makes me say awwww, on the inside of course.
Pregnancy has a lot of good things, but, for me, its also a time of some fear about the future; both near and far. I can't physically do what I want to do. I'm not earning my potential. I'm facing time off of work with even less income coming in, plus a sidestep in my "career," and well, I look funny. Its not that I think that I won't get back to where I want to at work and that D will find some hot young thing. But, I'm definitely a bit off balance and feel less certain about myself.
D and I don't talk about the future much. We've started a college fund for Bacon and will for baby x. We've spoken a bit about vacations in the next few years. (This year got skipped with bedrest and D's new job.) But D has said a few things lately that I just find - cool; reassuring; sweet; wonderful - that I'm assuming have a lot to do with pregnancy hormones and this sense of vague uncertainty. The other day we were out driving somewhere when D noted that some day we will have spent more time together than we have apart. This morning I was talking about something and his response was that whatever it was wouldn't happen until we were retired. We've been together for less than five years. I'm 40. Clearly, these times that are coming are decades away. For some reason (hormones?), his simple assumption that these events will come to pass just makes me say awwww, on the inside of course.
