Wednesday, July 12, 2006
A post about something other than sleep
Although it's basically the only topic for me these days, I'll refrain from discussing it today. Today's topic instead is guilt. I'll keep it brief, but I am amazed at the amount I can worry about what I'm doing, what I want to do, and what I may do with Bacon. It was so hard to get her and she is such a joy, but (a) I want to go back to work part time, (b) I simply can't take 100% responsibility for her 100% of the time, and (c) how am I ever going to be away from her when she won't take a bottle?
It's amazing how much the worries and guilt are reduced when I'm not deprived of the thing I'm not discussing today. On those bright days, it's easy to note that, while I'm home all days and have a chance to nap, getting up with her all night every night, is just too much. Staying sick for 2 weeks should be telling me something.
This feels like my job, which just happens to be 24/7. It feels like something I should be able to do without help from my husband. But I just can't. I keep thinking that my mom cared for 4 of us with limited help from my father and single parents do it all the time, but - I can't.
I miss feeling competent at something - and earning money. I try to tell myself that Bacon's smiles, good health and growth are the signs that I'm doing this right, but it's not the same. With the new mortgage and me not working, we have to dip into savings every month to make ends meet. While, with the great sale of the old house, that's doable, it makes me very uncomfortable. The 2 days a week that my company has agreed to will make a big difference in both.
How do you pick a nanny? I interviewed my first one last week. It was an easy no, but will there be an easy yes? We still haven't even used a sitter or left Bacon with a friend.
I wonder if all of this would have been different if I'd done it earlier in life. If I hadn't been working in my field for almost 15 years. If having a child had come easier.
It's amazing how much the worries and guilt are reduced when I'm not deprived of the thing I'm not discussing today. On those bright days, it's easy to note that, while I'm home all days and have a chance to nap, getting up with her all night every night, is just too much. Staying sick for 2 weeks should be telling me something.
This feels like my job, which just happens to be 24/7. It feels like something I should be able to do without help from my husband. But I just can't. I keep thinking that my mom cared for 4 of us with limited help from my father and single parents do it all the time, but - I can't.
I miss feeling competent at something - and earning money. I try to tell myself that Bacon's smiles, good health and growth are the signs that I'm doing this right, but it's not the same. With the new mortgage and me not working, we have to dip into savings every month to make ends meet. While, with the great sale of the old house, that's doable, it makes me very uncomfortable. The 2 days a week that my company has agreed to will make a big difference in both.
How do you pick a nanny? I interviewed my first one last week. It was an easy no, but will there be an easy yes? We still haven't even used a sitter or left Bacon with a friend.
I wonder if all of this would have been different if I'd done it earlier in life. If I hadn't been working in my field for almost 15 years. If having a child had come easier.
