Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Me or something else
I've been thinking about this and talking around it, but now I'll try to explain it. When I think about and interact with baby M, I still don't think of her as something separate from me. While, obviously, I know she is (and I know the importance of understanding that she is), it just doesn't "feel" like it yet. I assume when she's more independent it will just happen. Right now its just so similar to how things were when she was inside. Here's the explaining part: Perhaps you always felt that "you" were your entire physical self. I don't think I really have. I think "me" has been located somewhere behind my eyes with my body being something that I use. I think with the miscarriages, the separate-ness between me and my body increased. Although "it" had the problem, I was the one who had to deal with it. Through the pregnancy, the feeling was definitely there. You can't reason with nausea or that pain under your ribs. Then the baby starts kicking; totally other. But not so very other than a body that doesn't work.
Now there's this other part that is actually separate but totally dependent on me. I have to interpret it just like I had to figure out what I should eat to feel better or how much physical activity I could engage in. Of course I love her, but she still feels like part of me.
My sisters-in-law recently visited. Very cool women who were excited to meet their first niece. One complimented me on my mothering. My instant reaction was surprise. Then I was surprised by my surprise. I don't think I feel like a mother. But I guess I don't feel not like a mother. I think there are two parts to this - the whole not separate thing and my idea of what a mother is. I think this idea comes from what I remember about my mom from growing up. As the youngest, I have no memories of her mothering a baby. I'm actually struggling to come up with a list of things that mothering means.
I thought I had a handle on this idea, but I don't think I do. I had no expectations on what having the baby and being a parent would be like. Perhaps for me this is just another aspect of that.
Now there's this other part that is actually separate but totally dependent on me. I have to interpret it just like I had to figure out what I should eat to feel better or how much physical activity I could engage in. Of course I love her, but she still feels like part of me.
My sisters-in-law recently visited. Very cool women who were excited to meet their first niece. One complimented me on my mothering. My instant reaction was surprise. Then I was surprised by my surprise. I don't think I feel like a mother. But I guess I don't feel not like a mother. I think there are two parts to this - the whole not separate thing and my idea of what a mother is. I think this idea comes from what I remember about my mom from growing up. As the youngest, I have no memories of her mothering a baby. I'm actually struggling to come up with a list of things that mothering means.
I thought I had a handle on this idea, but I don't think I do. I had no expectations on what having the baby and being a parent would be like. Perhaps for me this is just another aspect of that.
