The Middle Chapters

Last night I took my last dose of Terbutaline and I felt - not scared or worried. For a time, albeit brief, I wasn't worried about anything having to do with this pregnancy. We'd made it to 36 weeks without any death. That brief collection of moments made me realize that while most of me had calmed down at each mile marker during this pregnancy, there was still a part of me that was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to fail. While it was wonderful to have those blissful happy moments (which I really hope I get to visit again), reality is that I am marked by my past; the four pregnancies that didn't work don't simply vanish with this one that looks like it will be successful.

With going off the medication last night, I had convinced myself that I was having this baby today. When the contractions started at 3:00 this morning, I thought, "Ah, right on time." A visit to the doctor's proved that it wasn't the case. While the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, they are not progressing and aren't really that bad. (Once I'd spoken to the on-call doctor who suggested I stop in at the office of a cervical check and non-stress test, I wondered if I really needed to go, but couldn't pass up the opportunity to make sure everything was still okay.)

While waiting for the doctor, my husband and I started talking about the past pregnancies, which is unusual. He's a "think about the positive" kind of guy. When I've mentioned them in the past, he normally re-directs the conversation about what we have now. It was nice not to be re-directed this time. We briefly discussed the past pregnancies in terms of our friends kids. If the first pregnancy had worked, we would have a child B's age. If the second or third, a child around S's age. If the fourth, we'd have a newborn. While I do appreciate D's ability to stay positive through the hard stuff, its also comforting to have some acknowledgement of what's come before.

Ironically (or not) my doctor commented to her new nurse practitioner who came in for the cervical check that I've had enough contractions for five pregnancies. How true.