The Middle Chapters

I've gotten to the point where I don't have to mention my miscarriages when people comment on my pregnancy - but I still feel compelled to say something. Mostly this is for me, but its also in case people listening to whatever pregnancy comments are being made have gone through anything similar. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who blinked and got pregnant - or rather blinked and got a pregnancy that I got to keep to term.

I have started warning clients about my upcoming maternity leave. I've had a few people (clients and colleagues) comment that they thought I already did that. With my leave of absence earlier this year, I can see where they made that assumption. This is where the "hard fought" comment comes in handy. No one, in the work setting, has asked the details. They simply respond with a knowing, "Ohhhh." And things are left there.

I don't know how I started using this phrase, but it seems to fit. There was nothing really to fight - which was hard. But it still felt like a battle. I did everything I could think of or was recommended by my doctors (except where the advise conflicted, then I chose what seemed to make more sense and have better support). I was fighting my body, the overwhelming sadness of repeated failure - yeah, this description works.

Going for total gender stereotypes here - since most of the clients/colleagues I have had this conversation with are men, this phrase is well received. They don't want to know the details. But, it seems like they appreciate something that took effort and is leading to a successful outcome.

I've written about the alone-ness of repeat miscarriage before. Jill did a great job of it recently: http://www.knocked.typepad.com/ My theory is that people are uncomfortable with sadness and hardship and that there is a point where they simply plug their ears and start humming to themselves so that they don't have to hear. (This is also my theory on why people can be so good at assvice.) But people love to hear about the success of an underdog. That's what this has felt like. I have received a ton of support and well wishes from everyone - friends, co-workers, clients, colleagues and strangers. Its so much easier to share someone's happiness and so hard to share their pain. (But the bad stuff is typically what we need help with - ironic isn't it?) So, for many, a "hard fought" success story is easier to hear about than the journey to get there.

For all of you that have gone through multiple miscarriages, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I wish you a "hard fought" pregnancy or another dream of your choice.