The Middle Chapters

I'm heading back to work on Monday. I haven't worked since early March. I remember the huge relief in leaving. I was so overwhelmed at the time that nothing but leaving could have helped. I remember a few weeks into my leave thinking that I would never go back. That it was the place, personalities, and the pressure to perform that I couldn't handle. My current thought is that life was simply overwhelming at the time - and I needed a break.

I've continued counseling and gotten some distance from both the work problems and the miscarriages in the past months. With the currently successful pregnancy (10w6d) and the distance, I'm hoping not to leap back into the same feelings.

I talked to my boss on Monday and met my team for lunch on Tuesday. I'm not going to be in charge anymore. I'm going to be working full-time but on more of a project basis - my boss' idea, but one that I embrace (mostly) whole heartedly. I'll be working partially for the same group of clients and taking on projects in other areas. I've worked either independently or been the person in charge for years, so this might be a bit of a interesting experience.

My team member is flying to California today to meet with one of our most difficult clients. I am thrilled not to be the one going. There are distinct benefits to not being the one in charge.

I also had another client call me on my cell phone on Tuesday. Someone who I've always loved working with and invited to my wedding. He called to wish me a happy anniversary (which was last week) and find out when I'm coming back. The work load for his company has been very minimal since I've been gone but apparently is picking up. He'd prefer to continue working with me when I return. His confidence and desire to work with me is a big confidence booster.

My therapist and Chinese Herbal Medicine doctor have questioned returning to work so soon. It just feels right. I actually miss the people and the problem solving. I also miss the income. Our savings have taken a big hit with me not working.

I don't know how it will go, but figure I can't know that until I do it. If it doesn't work out, I can stop again.

I find myself thinking ahead to after the pregnancy. Having been around my best friend's four month old, I can't picture putting my small child in day care. Storing up some savings for afterwards seems like a great idea. But, I already feel some guilt toward my company for letting me take this time off only to leave after several more months.