The Middle Chapters

I'm not good at hoping. I'm much better at anticipating the worst and getting ready for it. I really don't want to do it, but I can't seem to stop myself. I do it at work (when I'm working). In fact, I tell myself that it helps me be good at work. By anticipating problems and explaining them to my clients, they are never disappointed in our work. Yeah, it typically works, but boy, do I spend a lot of time visiting failure.

I think the problem with hope for me is the fall afterward (or the kick). It feels both like a fall and a kick. An internal "I told you so."

The upside of hope is not living with the failure. I love the idea. Now if I can only put it in practice.

My counselor talks about it as being able to accept the fact that I can take the loss/failure if it happens when it happens, rather than anticipating it along the way. I think she has a good point. Part of me thinks my life will implode if I have another loss. The other part knows I can deal with it. Just like I've dealt with the past losses.

I keep thinking that I just need to get past a certain point, then I can breathe easier. That's not really working for me. There's a lot of moments between now and whenever that mythical point is. I think instead I need to learn to live with hope.

Everything is good so far. Some cramping, but no spotting. High betas and an early heartbeat sound like good signs. Thank goodness I have an ultrasound again tomorrow. Maybe I can wean myself from them eventually. Maybe when hope stays longer than a driveby.