Monday, June 13, 2005
Hope and the Third Beta - 1448
This is a very good number. I just wish I knew what day I was so that I could confirm that it's a good number for today. I just scheduled an ultrasound for Friday. Based on my previous research, that should be too early to see a heartbeat, but late enough to see a yolk sack. More importantly, it will give me something to do before the following Wednesday, when they originally wanted me to come in for the ultrasound.
I have seen different people write about hope in the context of infertility and recurrent miscarriage. At the time, I didn't really understand the concept. After the second miscarriage and until the last several weeks, I didn't hope - I did the opposite - I worried. I didn't hope things would go well; I worried that they wouldn't. Last year, a friend described herself as "living through many disasters that never happened." I could totally relate. My thought was that if I braced myself for the worst possible results, I would somehow be protected from them. Instead, like my friend, I ended up living through many disasters that did and did not occur.
That being said, being told to "not worry" is incredibly annoying. Wouldn't everyone "not worry" if they could? If you always worry, how do you break the habit?
For my last pregnancy only about two and a half months ago, I didn't move much at all and worried almost non-stop. I stayed on the sofa between betas and after getting the news that my numbers were going down and the pregnancy was failing.
This time I'm off the sofa (at least part of the day) and trying to stay busy. Not only am I worrying significantly less, but I actually have hope that this one might work. I'm not very familiar with hope. It makes me a bit uncomfortable when I think about it. So, I'm trying not to think of it. I have acupuncture on Wednesday and the ultrasound on Friday. These will help me get through the week. Hope and acupuncture - a good combination.
I have seen different people write about hope in the context of infertility and recurrent miscarriage. At the time, I didn't really understand the concept. After the second miscarriage and until the last several weeks, I didn't hope - I did the opposite - I worried. I didn't hope things would go well; I worried that they wouldn't. Last year, a friend described herself as "living through many disasters that never happened." I could totally relate. My thought was that if I braced myself for the worst possible results, I would somehow be protected from them. Instead, like my friend, I ended up living through many disasters that did and did not occur.
That being said, being told to "not worry" is incredibly annoying. Wouldn't everyone "not worry" if they could? If you always worry, how do you break the habit?
For my last pregnancy only about two and a half months ago, I didn't move much at all and worried almost non-stop. I stayed on the sofa between betas and after getting the news that my numbers were going down and the pregnancy was failing.
This time I'm off the sofa (at least part of the day) and trying to stay busy. Not only am I worrying significantly less, but I actually have hope that this one might work. I'm not very familiar with hope. It makes me a bit uncomfortable when I think about it. So, I'm trying not to think of it. I have acupuncture on Wednesday and the ultrasound on Friday. These will help me get through the week. Hope and acupuncture - a good combination.
