Monday, June 27, 2005
First Picture
When I left work in March, I packed up a box of random stuff from my drawers. Digging for a nail file that I knew was in the box, I came across the only ultrasound picture from my first pregnancy. I knew this was in the box as well.
The picture is from 4/28/03 when I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. My estimated due date was 12/18/03. I remember my husband was there for the ultrasound. I know that I had spotting during that pregnancy; I think this ultrasound was scheduled in response. I remember the hearbeat - it was an amazing sight.
I can't remember if there was spotting after the first patch. I remember having nausea and sore breasts. I also remember a feeling that I needed to lay down. It hit about 3:30 every afternoon. On the one day, when I was about 10 weeks pregnant, I didn't respond to the feeling and it didn't go away. It led to mild cramping. I took the next day off of work. I woke up very early the following morning with rolling cramps. Still no bleeding, but serious pain.
I've described the rest of it already.
According to my last ultrasound, I'm 6w4d today. We've seen the heartbeat. We have an estimated due date. I want this one to go well, but my experience hasn't supported that outcome. I want to have hope, but I just can't get there.
For me, it's so much easier to hope for a pregnancy. The feeling of having a positive beta is so triumphant. There's at least a moment of bliss. (For this most recent pregnancy, the moment was very short - but it was there.) Being pregnant is waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's a big ugly painful shoe.
Besides a coma, is there a way to get through this while staying remotely sane?
The picture is from 4/28/03 when I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. My estimated due date was 12/18/03. I remember my husband was there for the ultrasound. I know that I had spotting during that pregnancy; I think this ultrasound was scheduled in response. I remember the hearbeat - it was an amazing sight.
I can't remember if there was spotting after the first patch. I remember having nausea and sore breasts. I also remember a feeling that I needed to lay down. It hit about 3:30 every afternoon. On the one day, when I was about 10 weeks pregnant, I didn't respond to the feeling and it didn't go away. It led to mild cramping. I took the next day off of work. I woke up very early the following morning with rolling cramps. Still no bleeding, but serious pain.
I've described the rest of it already.
According to my last ultrasound, I'm 6w4d today. We've seen the heartbeat. We have an estimated due date. I want this one to go well, but my experience hasn't supported that outcome. I want to have hope, but I just can't get there.
For me, it's so much easier to hope for a pregnancy. The feeling of having a positive beta is so triumphant. There's at least a moment of bliss. (For this most recent pregnancy, the moment was very short - but it was there.) Being pregnant is waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's a big ugly painful shoe.
Besides a coma, is there a way to get through this while staying remotely sane?
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One day at a time. It sounds trite but it really is the only way. Don't look ahead to 40 weeks, heck don't look ahead to next week. Take it day by day. It is a very hard way to live but everything I have read on subs pregnancies is unanimous on this point.
Sometimes it can be encouraging to hear a good news story. I have a friend who has had 4 early losses and a 37 week still birth just on a year ago. Last Friday (a year and 3 days since her daughter's death) she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. It does happen. I know its hard to believe when all you keep experiencing is loss, but it can happen. Take it day. by. day.
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Sometimes it can be encouraging to hear a good news story. I have a friend who has had 4 early losses and a 37 week still birth just on a year ago. Last Friday (a year and 3 days since her daughter's death) she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. It does happen. I know its hard to believe when all you keep experiencing is loss, but it can happen. Take it day. by. day.
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: 3:37 PM
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