Friday, May 20, 2005
So Very Sure
A few months after my first miscarriage, we entered the time of trying again. I was so sad about the loss of our child and the loss of my family. I was desparate to put the pieces back together (get pregnant again). Many of my pregnancy symptoms lingered for months. I warned my boss that I may want to take time off or work part time. (Not such a good idea.) But, I wanted everything ready for the next pregnancy and whatever I had to do to protect it.
After six months of trying and finding out that my regular doctor no longer provided pregnancy care, I went to see the doctor who treated me in the emergency room. (Not the crier.) I was a month away from turning 37. He saw no reason for concern -- in fact, his wife was 39 when they had their child. I went home with advice on "timing" our attempts.
That first six months was the hardest -- I was still so very sure that if I got pregnant again soon the hole in my soul from the miscarriage would go away. During this time, it was comforting to hear about so many co-workers' wives and friends who had dealt with miscarriage. But, it had a strange double-edge. Because it was "so common," people expected me to be fine. My duties at work remained seriously high. Although the clients were very happy, my hours lagged and I was reprimanded for my lack of commitment to my job. My dear husband (DH) was so confident that everything would work out that I didn't want to burden him with my sadness and sense of loss.
After six months of trying and finding out that my regular doctor no longer provided pregnancy care, I went to see the doctor who treated me in the emergency room. (Not the crier.) I was a month away from turning 37. He saw no reason for concern -- in fact, his wife was 39 when they had their child. I went home with advice on "timing" our attempts.
That first six months was the hardest -- I was still so very sure that if I got pregnant again soon the hole in my soul from the miscarriage would go away. During this time, it was comforting to hear about so many co-workers' wives and friends who had dealt with miscarriage. But, it had a strange double-edge. Because it was "so common," people expected me to be fine. My duties at work remained seriously high. Although the clients were very happy, my hours lagged and I was reprimanded for my lack of commitment to my job. My dear husband (DH) was so confident that everything would work out that I didn't want to burden him with my sadness and sense of loss.
