Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Fear of Self
Yesterday I went to yoga for the first time. About a month ago, I started playing co-rec soccer again (and have the bruised shins to prove it). As already mentioned, I'm taking supplements and drinking lots of water.
So, what's my point?
Ever since the first miscarriage, my body has seemed like something foreign and dangerous. I stopped moving too quickly, just in case I disturbed something. I stopped playing soccer in case I got pregnant and moved too quickly and disturbed something. Already a big fan of the sofa, we became even closer. Rough day at work - find the sofa. Positive beta - where is my sofa? What was that twinge - I'll be on the sofa.
Truthfully, I went from generally ignoring my body, in large part because it always did what I wanted it to, to trying to interprete the white noise (what was that twinge?), to simple overload. I basically left my body alone and did what the doctor told me with a lot of lounging thrown in for good measure.
Comfort and safety in my own skin seemed like one of the many losses that happened with miscarriage.
When I went to the naturopath a few weeks ago, they talked to me about nuturing myself. I realized that I don't really know what that means. At first, I told myself that doing what I wanted to do -- including sofa-time and a bag of chips -- was nuturing. And while I do think it is in some measure, so is doing the sport I used to enjoy, finding new challenges (I'm not very bendy, so yoga is challenging for me), and drinking 8 times the water I would normally drink.
I'd like to get to the point that me and my body are a team. Where we both do what we can to accomplish our goals. That concept seems relatively easy at the moment - my stamina is increasing so running around on a soccer field is getting easier, beginning yoga was actually fun, I have coverage for 12 acupuncture visits, I'm not working, and I just started the ever popular 2ww. But I'm haunted by the memory of past failures and worried that the difficult times will bring back my now familiar relationship -- me and the sofa rather than me and my body.
So, what's my point?
Ever since the first miscarriage, my body has seemed like something foreign and dangerous. I stopped moving too quickly, just in case I disturbed something. I stopped playing soccer in case I got pregnant and moved too quickly and disturbed something. Already a big fan of the sofa, we became even closer. Rough day at work - find the sofa. Positive beta - where is my sofa? What was that twinge - I'll be on the sofa.
Truthfully, I went from generally ignoring my body, in large part because it always did what I wanted it to, to trying to interprete the white noise (what was that twinge?), to simple overload. I basically left my body alone and did what the doctor told me with a lot of lounging thrown in for good measure.
Comfort and safety in my own skin seemed like one of the many losses that happened with miscarriage.
When I went to the naturopath a few weeks ago, they talked to me about nuturing myself. I realized that I don't really know what that means. At first, I told myself that doing what I wanted to do -- including sofa-time and a bag of chips -- was nuturing. And while I do think it is in some measure, so is doing the sport I used to enjoy, finding new challenges (I'm not very bendy, so yoga is challenging for me), and drinking 8 times the water I would normally drink.
I'd like to get to the point that me and my body are a team. Where we both do what we can to accomplish our goals. That concept seems relatively easy at the moment - my stamina is increasing so running around on a soccer field is getting easier, beginning yoga was actually fun, I have coverage for 12 acupuncture visits, I'm not working, and I just started the ever popular 2ww. But I'm haunted by the memory of past failures and worried that the difficult times will bring back my now familiar relationship -- me and the sofa rather than me and my body.
