The Middle Chapters

Sunset

2008-12-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

Its been so long since I've posted. The new job is still great. D's company went belly-up in October (yeah!) and after 2 1/2 months, he starts a new job in January (yeah/boo!) -- while we need the income, it has been fantastic having him around. Apple is still a bad sleeper. Ironically enough, one of his first words was Apple.

After 2 kids, now aged almost 3 and 1, I feel like the recurrent miscarriage chapter is behind me. It took having the kids that we wanted and time. It was so hard to feel that something so important couldn't happen. That I was failing as something so essential to who I wanted to be. Even after having kids, it still took time to get over that feeling of betrayal.

I'm not certain which chapter I'm in now (which unfortunately still involves sleep deprivation) but all in all, its a pretty good one.

Changes

2008-05-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

Although I officially started the new job 2 weeks ago, this is my first week of working everyday. I'm excited to be doing it. The new office seems so supportive of working parents. So many people either work part time or have flexible schedules, I'm simply part of the norm. Hurray! I'm sure that there will be bumps, but the vibe is so different that I'm already a lot happier and less frustrated.

Bacon is such fun and so much help with Apple. She wants to do everything herself right now, that is unless she wants me to do it all for her. Apple loves her and thinks she's the funniest. Apple is still a bad napper and doesn't sleep through the night. We're back to 2 wake ups a night where he won't go to sleep unless he nurses. Then he's up for the day sometime between 5:00 and 7:00 - usually more towards 5:00. I've been a bit sick this last week and dragging from missed sleep.

D is still working crazy hours and still loving his commute. He actually raised the possibility of thinking about moving on -- although he's not ready yet. There's got to be another company in the city that could use his skills but not expect him to work 24/7. As Apple gets older, the lack of D is getting easier. But, I'd still like the kids to see their father more than a few minutes a day.

Next chapter

2008-05-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

New job starts tomorrow. I'm excited and a bit scared. I've committed myself to 75% time - a plan for the old or new job. I'm mostly confident that it will work perfectly, but . . . Most of my concerns are about finding a new nanny. Our current wonderful nanny is also a preschool teacher and my new hours won't match hers - once summer is over. When finding S, we simply interviewed a few people until we met her and it was simply a fit. As easy as that. The idea of welcoming a complete stranger into our home and entrusting our children to her seems extreme. Yet, it worked so well the last time. I may well be borrowing trouble to avoid thinking about the challenges of the new job; which looks to be fantastic.

The kids are great. Apple has mastered sitting up (although he can't get up or down by himself) and has started sleeping better. Last night he went from 7:30 to 4:45 with only one wake up. He went back down and got up for the day at 6:10. He's just like his sister in that we cannot push bedtime back to get any additional sleep in the morning. He accidently went to bed at 5:50 tonight, so I guess we'll see if moving it earlier has any effect to the positive. (Well, I can always hope.)

The wheel keeps turning

2008-05-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, D and I had part 2 of our "discussion" and got some things aired out and are now ignoring the fact that it ever happened. Mostly, I think this is good. I remember feeling generally hostile towards him before Bacon started sleeping through the night, so am chalking up a lot of my feelings to the place we are with Apple (and D's high work load).

The weather here is finally getting Spring-like. It is amazing how that can improve a mood. Yes Apple was spiking a fever Sunday, but it was sunny!

My work is moving along. D hasn't been working as many crazy hours and seems to prioritizing us a bit higher on the list. I think Spring and the fact that Apple is now six months old is also helping.

Forward and Back

2008-04-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

This two kids thing is tricky. Sleep is getting better, but work is heating up. D and I are playing the blame game. I said things I'd been thinking about for a while. I was surprised by what he had to say.

Geeze, you get what you want, but its not as easy as it looks.

We've got naps

2008-04-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

Apple is turning into a mostly good napper and nights are getting more regular. D still has first shift - whether he's done with work until 4:00 am, then I get 4:00 to 8:00. Apple typically wakes between 10-11 and 2-3. If its been an easy night so far, then the 4 o'clock hour is often sketchy -- up a lot. He's waking up for the day at 6:15. I love splitting the nights. While I'm not getting a lot more sleep than if I took the whole night -- either D brings Apple in to nurse or Apple cries until he does (even if D gives him a bottle) -- which was from 2:15 to 3:45 am last night, I really like the fact that the whole thing doesn't fall on me. I think D likes being able to sleep in.

As for my weight - I chalk it up to nursing two (yes, I'm still doing it) and never sitting still. I'm planning to return to 3/4th time at work in June. We'll see if I balloon up with all the sitting and lack of nursing. I hestitant to buy clothes that fit, but it is nice when my pants aren't falling down.

A quick one

2008-04-04T16:00:00.001-07:00

Here's a quick post while Apple is down for a nap (!) and Bacon is watching Word Girl. (We watch way too much TV, but I can't figure out how to handle 2 without it.) Apple went into his crib in his room with weekend. D and I are splitting the nights; meaning he wakes me only once during his shift for a feed otherwise I'm off until 4 am. I still seem to be crazy tired, but I'm a lot less grumpy. The shared burden of nights makes me feel a lot less angry and hostile. Apple is getting better at taking his naps unconnected to a human body. In fact, he was getting a bit cranky, so I swaddled and nursed him, then laid him down. After about 3 minutes of crying, I gave him his pacifier and he seems to be down. Who knew it was that easy?

I'm now down to my lowest weight in over 5 years. I can't remember my weight just before the miscarriage years. I'm 8 pounds lighter than I was in the summer of 2003. Miscarriages just suck when it comes to weight -- or rather the gaining, then not losing, then gaining, etc.

D is still working crazy hours. He comes home around 6:00. Hangs out with us until the kids are in bed and then works until around 11:00. He thinks that a break may be in sight after the end of next week. Boy, that would be nice.

There's just no time

2008-03-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

There's just no time these days. Last week was the week of doctor's appointments. Bacon's 2 year, Apple's 4 month, and my IUD insertion. They took up most of my work/nanny time. I feel behind everywhere.

The kids remain on the small size. Both are right around 25% with the exception of Bacon's head which at the 90th. Although Apple weighs 14.5 lbs, a pound and a half more than Bacon at that age, he's still only at 25% on the charts. Bacon had an ear infection and got another tooth last week. She is soooo much easier to be around this week. I'm working on the guilt about the ear infection - when they're not running a fever and seem to be teething, how do you know?

D's been working crazy hours which have been better this week. I've been feeling lost and overwhelmed. But with a happier toddler and a husband that's home to help out at least a little bit, things are improving.

See I'm Social

2008-03-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

After a week of barely making it out of the house with the kids, I counted on Saturday to get things done like, oh, grocery shopping. Then D had to work all day Saturday (on top of til 10 on Wednesday, midnight on Thursday, nine on Friday - I'm starting to see a pattern here) and that threw shopping then cooking for the huge brunch we were hosting on Sunday during naps out the window. So, when the kids were asleep and D was finally home at 7:00, I shopped, then cooked, then slept, then woke up early and cooked some more.

It was - wonderful. I had such a great time and there was plenty to eat and drink. I invited everyone that I wanted to see which included a few people I hadn't seen in years. It was hectic getting there and then of course we had to clean up, but I'm finding it much easier and less stressful, even with the extra work, to socialize here at our house compared to going somewhere else. It was just great - and the last load of dishes is in the dishwasher as I write.

As for daylight savings time, we're pretending that its nothing unusual to send the kids to bed an hour early and so far they're buying it. I hope tomorrow morning goes as well.

Four months

2008-03-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that we're in the four month sleep regression. Friday to Tuesday, Apple slept no more than 2 hours straight all night. Tuesday he was up from 4:00 - 6:30 am. But Tuesday he also got really good at rolling over back to front and grabbing toys. Last night was a blissful 7:00 pm bedtime followed by 11:00 and 2:00 am nursings, a 4:30-6:00 fitful sleep, then solid sleep from 6:00-7:00 am. Much better.

Bacon has been refusing to leave the house when its just me and the baby. After about 2 weeks of this she finally went into the front yard yesterday for bubbles and went willingly to storytime at the library today. The days trapped at home have been a bit tough -- but better since Tuesday -- now that Apple can entertain himself a bit and since he's started to nap WITHOUT ME HOLDING HIM!

D still likes the new job, but his hours are not as good as they were. On a good day he gets home at 6:15 which means he sees the kids at most 45 minutes before they're asleep. (Apple is typically asleep right around then.) Last night he got home after 10 pm. The first couple of nights that he didn't get home until after the kids were ready for bed were hard. I'd held it together anticipating his arrival home, only not to have him show up. Now, I don't plan on it and we've done fine -- there's still crying and clinging, but at least I'm not gritting my teeth.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do about work, but it isn't in the front of my brain these days. I'm just trying to do quality work in the hours I have and not stress about it too much.

I do it.

2008-02-25T19:31:00.001-08:00

If you guessed I've heard the title to this entry about 7 million times in the past few weeks, you would be right. Bacon is in full two mode and amazingly she can do a lot. She's potty training and dressing herself (except for the back of her pants which she can't get over her diaper and when she refuses to get dressed at all). Her favorite place these days is the library - and boy does she melt down when we have to leave.

Apple is growing and sleeping - okay. Things have been relatively consistent at 6-7:00 pm bedtime, up between 11:30 and 12:30, then once (or twice) more before about 5:00 when he's up for an hour or so, before sleeping for another hour-ish. This usually gets me enough sleep if I head to bed by 8:30, but I'm on my second bout of the respiratory bug that going around here. In addition to feeling terrible, I'm incredibly tired. I spent a wonderful weekend visit from my mom wishing I could just curl up and stay in bed. (I can't figure out when moms actually get to act sick.) Her visits are generally so rare, I wanted to savor all of it and did a pretty good job other than the early bedtime.

D seems to really like the new job and the killer (in a good way) commute. Although I was thrilled to have him home between jobs, it wasn't that bad when he had to go back to work. I'm getting used to having two, but do admit to frequent daydreams of when Apple can nap on his own and Bacon is done teething and doesn't need me for everything. Well I can dream.

All is well

2008-02-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

D started a new job today. It is one that he seems to like, has a killer commute, and is more money than his last job. This seems to have worked pretty well. It was great having him home these past almost 3 weeks; although a fair bit of it was spent interviewing and preparing to interview and the last week Bacon and I were sick. We had good family fun last week and Bacon and I both had good birthdays (2 and 41).

A, who will now be Apple, still strongly dislikes the car, which makes any trip of any distance without an adult sitting in the backseat entertaining him less than pleasant. He rolled back to front for the 1st time on Thursday and front to back for the 1st time on Saturday. Bacon started using the potty last week and now likes to strip down to nothing at various random times through the day. So far (luckily) this only happens at home.

My first home alone with the kids today went well. We joined L and S at the playground this afternoon and had a great time (after we got out of the car). I still can't wait until Apple can sit up or spend more than 10 minutes on his own, but we're getting there.

The shoe I didn't think of

2008-01-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

D got laid off last week. Well, that was a worry I hadn't thought of. When he came home early on the day it happened, I actually cried with happiness - yeah, three weeks' worth of help with these crazy kids! (Three week because that's how much severance pay he gets.) Its been mostly good so far - I'm not always the go-to parent which is very nice. He's out at an interview now and has another one on Friday. He's got what I hear are very marketable skills in his field which is very big where we live. I hope that actually means he finds a job with a reasonable commute that he really likes that pays well soon. Is that too much to ask for?

Bacon is getting to be a lot of fun again, but its new different fun. She's definitely growing up. A (who needs a nickname) is very sunny when awake and a relatively good sleeper. But, he has a tough time at the transition between awake and asleep. If we don't time things well, we get 10-20 minutes of wailing before he finally wakes up or, more likely, goes to sleep. Depending on what else is going on at the time, this can be a serious bummer. But, to count blessings, he's not colicky and generally doesn't cry much for other reasons.

Bacon turns two on Saturday. A is now three months old. Wow, when did this happen?

Hills and Valleys

2008-01-19T09:37:00.001-08:00

The playdates were great over the past week. They really helped us get through our 4:00 witching hour. This week I also went to the local community center's toddler play time twice. A very excellent way to wear out a toddler and get her more than 2 feet from me. (I was amazed that Bacon was very happy to run around and play with toys without my participation or even knowing where I am.) After some advice on choices for 2 year olds - don't give them a yes/no option but do give them 2 choices in moving forward, we've had a better week. A's sleep was much improved until the last 2 nights. Oh well, that's how it goes - which is easier for me to say after a week of good sleep.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, even though I'm turning 41 next month. I know I want to work (which is good because the mortgage needs it) but I'm trying to explore some options on how, where and how much. I don't know why I'm surprised, but fellow mothers in my field have been great at sharing their experiences and ideas. My field - or at least parts of it - aren't as old school as I thought. I had dinner with a client on Tuesday and got a job offer. My goal is to change things up this summer, but I'm not sure what that will look like yet.

Fast forward

2008-01-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how long an individual day can be and how quickly the weeks have flown since A was born. I think we are getting to a bit of the difficult part. Bacon has been sick for the last few weeks - nothing big, just a runny nose and a serious case of crabby toddler. She's just starting to feel better and say something other than "no baby" or "movie, movie, movie." (She "requests" movies of herself on my laptop whenever I come within 10 feet of the it.) A's sleep has gotten worse since his shots last Monday. He's also decided that he hates being strapped in the carseat and hates the car. So, if I'm home with both Bacon is clinging and if I leave the house A is wailing.

As an aside, I was recently thinking how easy things must have been when I only had one newborn, even though it didn't feel like it at the time. Now that A is doing the wailing thing in public, I now remember why it wasn't so easy and why I took so many walks around the neighborhood.

I emailed friends and begged for playdates at our house. So far I have plans for Thursday and Friday this week and next Wednesday. If we can avoid non-stop "mine, mine, mine!!!" (another relatively new phrase from Bacon) they should help the days go much faster and I may actually get to speak to an adult other than D.

I'm contemplating work/home options and don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not sure why, but nothing can make me feel as incompetent as having a newborn.

Forever and a day

2008-01-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

Since I've posted that is. We made it through the holidays with lots of good memories and no crying (on my part). A is growing and generally sleeping well. He's up to 11 lbs. 12 oz. Sleep has been great the last several days until the decision to throw a New Year's Eve party. Me and both kids up. But it was a good party (at least through 11:30 when I went to bed.) And all the good sleep this week means I'm not insane today.

I realized yesterday that in the 8 weeks that A has been alive, I've only been on my own with Bacon and A for 3 weeks - the one advantage to having him right before the holidays.

With Present!

2007-12-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

Oh the hormones - or sleep deprivation - take your pick. But, now that I think of it, it's probably a combination of the two. Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up in a deficit and it went downhill from there. I can't really explain why except baby A was on a 1 1/2 hour eating schedule starting at 3:30 am to 9:30 pm and would only sleep after 6:30 am if I had him bundled in a sling and was moving. I couldn't speak in sentence fragments much less full sentences by the time that D came home from work.

Today was much much better. Why? A slept - 3 hours in the morning, then ate and looked around -- then slept some more!! I had no baby on me for hours! Ahhhhh. . .

When Bacon was small, I held her forever. I loved it. Right now, with a newborn and a toddler and broken sleep, the break is beyond words.

Oh, and I got a present today. D came home early from work. We walked to our local pizza place and I got a present - a pair of earrings that are simply beautiful. He had me at home from work early.

Getting and keeping going

2007-12-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

This week has been a combo of decent and not-so-good sleep. By Friday, everything was irritating and I was oh so achy. Most nights are reasonable - feedings at 12:30, 3:30, and 6:30. (We don't get up until we get Bacon out of bed at 8:00.) 3:30 is the toughest; when baby A typically takes 1/2 -1 hour to get back to sleep every night. The not-so-good nights, I'm up with a good portion of every hour starting in the early morning hours. (Two nights of this this week.) I'm not running a huge deficit in sleep, but I can't seem to get out of the deficit I'm in. When we only had one, I could use Bacon's naps to attempt to catch up on sleep. And when she was really little, like A, she and I stayed in bed and took a nap after D had left for work. With 2, the opportunities to sleep extra are limited. Luckily, A is a pretty good sleeper so far. (I consider the above good.)

I keep waiting for things to get worse based on the new mother's tale that the height of crankiness is 6-8 weeks after their due date. We're still two weeks away from this, so there's still time. (I'm trying not to remind myself that Bacon's sleep got significantly worse after she was 3 months old.)

I had a bad dropping A experience this week. Luckily it was a short distance while trying to coordinate the two kids, a carrier and a stroller. He's physically fine and I'm becoming emotionally fine, but I think I'm going to limit our stroller-type excursions until we get a double stroller.

When new becomes old

2007-12-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

I think I'm there - the point where having 2 kids actually feels like the norm. Last week I wasn't there. The idea of going anywhere by myself with the 2 seemed just too intimidating. But I did it twice in one day last Thursday. Then again today. It's not bad as long as I have a cart to put them in. When I don't, well, I imagine there must be a sling and stoller involved or a double stroller if we ever get one of those.

Anyway, back to the main point - we seem to get in a groove when it's just me and the kids. A groove that involves a general plan with random 1 month old naps and feedings thrown in. So far I'm not desparate for when D gets home to get some relief; which happened during bedrest and when Bacon was little. I think it's just easier with the second and now that Bacon is older. (When she's not a total crankenpus, she's funny and good company.) I'm guessing that a lot of what made things so hard when Bacon was new was the fact that I hadn't done it before and was seriously scared I was going to do something wrong with terrible results, the lack of sleep, and the months of plugged ducts.

I keep losing my point. I must be more tired than I thought. Bottom line is that things are good.

Is socializing with a toddler and new baby social?

2007-11-24T13:14:00.001-08:00

This past week our family has gone to two dinners at friends' houses - a Sunday night dinner and Thanksgiving. The first was stressful and just not fun. Bacon was having a great time running around with S, but not eating and as the evening progressed, started running into things, falling down and losing it. As tired as I already was (the nights are not going as well as they were), I wasn't the least bit helpful and left feeling like I needed at least 7 cocktails.

After that, my expectations for Thanksgiving were much lower and I had a much better time. At least one of my children was melting at all times. I didn't really get to talk to anyone, but I did get to eat. D didn't get much food.

Bacon is having serious tantrums these days. They are focused a lot of having me do what she wants when she wants. But also involve things like not putting on clothes and not getting into her highchair. I guess a lot of control type things. I assume that this is related to baby A coming into the picture. She's generally great with him, but hasn't really gotten the concept that she needs to be consistently gentle with him and can't climb over him to get to me or lean on him when he's in her way.

D was mostly home sick this week and although he was sick and working from home, it was still not what life will be like when he's back at work. I'm still trying to figure out how to work those brief moments when both kids are seeming to need all my attention in the same time, but I keep hoping that with practice I'll figure it out.

He's growing

2007-11-16T16:25:00.000-08:00

A's 2 week checkup was today and he's actually growing. Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised but I just couldn't tell. The part of me that is sure I must be screwing this up somehow was sure he wasn't getting enough to eat. The rest of me did a high five with A when we heard that he now weighs 8 lbs 8 oz, up over a pound from his post birth low of 7 lbs 4 oz.

And my laptop lives. That's a lot of good news for one day.

The dog ate my laptop

2007-11-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

I knew it would happen some day, I just didn't think it would be so soon. My laptop died. D thinks its just the monitor, so all my stuff may not be gone. I never noticed how much I rely (and have stored) on my laptop. I so hope its not gone for good.

On the homefront: I'm well, D is sick, and only a few days until reality with 2 kids (then Thanksgiving) hits. A is going through a feed every hour thing which is clashing with Bacon's need for attention, but every day is making the new world order just the regular every day. Every morning Bacon asks after the baby and really seems to like having him around. He's still very low maintenance, so there is generally little conflict. I can't wait until he can actually do things. I think Bacon is thinking the same thing.

Slow and steady

2007-11-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

My mom left on Saturday, so we're down to 2 full time adults/2 kids for another week. I've been sick for a week and a half, so I'm really hoping to get more sleep and kick this thing before the return to real life. But I'm wondering if real life is a bit more relaxing than this post-birth break. I know that it wasn't supposed to happen, but I did feel the need and desire to entertain my mom. Time that I normally would have spent happily sleeping or reading was spent up with her. I just didn't want to miss out on her visit or have her have a bad time. The same result for different reasons, to some degree, is true when D is home. There's so much that needs to get done that I should be doing it, when truth be told, I'd rather be in a coma. This lingering throat/chest thing is a clear signal that I need more rest. I've known that since it started. Now I simply need to do it.

The 2 kid thing is interesting so far. Bacon loves the baby and wants to see him, give him his pacifier, and be in control of where he lays. She's either indifferent or unhappy about sharing the nursing, but I've got a great supply so it seems to be working fine so far. She either has a bit of what I have or is teething (there's lots of drool), because she has been her crabby self lately. She's normally pretty upbeat, happy and easily distracted. Crabby girl comes out when she's not feeling well. It's getting better. But the last few hours before she goes to bed and been a bit much the last few days.

I can't quite remember what Bacon was like at this age. I think I remember staring at her a lot and waiting for her to wake up. I'm both looking forward and dreading the time when A is up more. The pattern is already changing and solid sleep a bit tougher to get. But I also can't wait to find out who he is.

Ahhhh

2007-11-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

Things are going swimmingly well - in large part I fear because we have at least 3 adults to deal with a toddler and a newborn. A is quite different than Bacon as a newborn. He sleeps a ton and rarely cries. Of course not dealing with (a) getting my nipples into shape (the one advantage I've found to not having weaned Bacon) and (b) the fear of dealing with all new issues is helping tremendously. I'm not waking A up to nurse much (due to engorgment that I really really needed help with).

I can't remember how long it took to feel normal last time. Afterbirth pains (which feel a lot like contractions), pelvic pain, and back ache are still present and accounted for. But I can now turn over in bed without pain.

My mom leaves this weekend, then D has one more week at home, then I'm on my own outside of the nanny's part time hours. I'll admit it - I'm scared. Just how you coordinate two kids - one of whom has recently discovered the wonders of running - seems beyond me. Of course words seem beyond me right now. (And this is what I'm like when I'm only a bit sleep deprived.) How do you take 2 grocery shopping? I know I'll get it all sorted and that women have been doing it for generations. . .

Let's get back to the good things: (1) healthy baby on the outside of me; (2) a fun, wonderful toddler who is very willing to entertain; and (3) an amazing husband. Those are my top 3 and well worth everything else.

A's Birth Story

2007-11-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

So here's the story. I woke up at 12:50 am at the brand new start of Tuesday 10/30 with contractions between 2-6 minutes apart. I've give them a 4 on the pain scale with a once in a blue moon 6. I dosed between 2:00 and 4:00, then finally got out of bed and worked for a few hours. I got a bit more sleep between 6:00 and 8:00, then got up for the day with Bacon. The contractions were still there and were now more or less continuous. Other than the fact that the contractions hadn't stopped for over 7 hours, there really was no difference in their character than earlier contractions.

I really wanted the pregnancy to be over, so called the doctor as soon as they were open (8:30 am) and asked if I could come in. The nurse said sure and scheduled me for a 10:00 am appointment with the available doctor. Since I assumed they would simply monitor me for 20 minutes then send me home, my mom and Bacon came with me.

At the doctor's I was 2 cm and 70% effaced - barely any change from last week. The doctor offered to "strip my membranes" saying that it might move things along in the next 24 hours. I very readily agreed. They put me on the monitor to check out the baby. The contractions showed up at every 5-ish minutes apart. They were still about a 4 on the pain scale.

I ended up on the monitor for over an hour with things ramping up to jaggedy contractions every 2-3 minutes that were up to a 7. (I was glued to the monitor print out watching the contraction come and go - some were off the top of the scale.) My mom was trying to entertain Bacon and eventually took her to the lobby to get some lunch. We were now well over my 20 minute estimate and well into Bacon's nap time.

The nurse took the print out to the doctor 3 times. The doctor, who was busy with other patients, finally came into the monitoring room about 3 seconds after I started losing it. I had now been contracting for something like 11 hours, was low on sleep, and was worried that there was no end in sight. I was trying to keep it together because there was a woman behind another curtain in the same room who was clearly worried about her pregnancy and I didn't want to alarm her. But, like I said, I did lose it - I started sobbing right when the doctor came in. I had another cervical check which showed me to be almost 4 cm dilated and 75% effaced. This got me an offer to the hospital. (They thought the contractions were close enough together and were a little worried about some accelerations with the baby.) I very happily agreed.

I had been working with a client to finalize a deal earlier that morning. I turned over further negotiations to my team leader in the elevator from the doctor's office. (She did a great job finalizing things.)

I ended up driving my mom and Bacon home where D met me and drove me back to the hospital. We got there about 3:00 pm. Checking into the hospital and getting set up was totally different than with Bacon. With Bacon, my water had broken in the middle of the night. A call to my doctor's sent me to the hospital triage where they determined that my water really had broken and got me to a room. I thought thing went smoothly in part because I had already been to triage a few times. This time around was actually easier. Triage was empty when we got there - no nurses or patients. D located a nurse, who was expecting us and took us to our room. She was our nurse for labor and delivery. I'll call her BNITW (best nurse in the world). The place seemed silent - like there was no one there but us.

At this point, I was feeling the best I had all day, but was still well past decision making. BNITW, who I didn't know was BNITW yet, asked if I wanted an epideral and since I said yes, asked if I wanted one right now. This seemed like too much for me to decide. After more calm prodding, I finally agreed that it did make sense that if I wanted an epideral I should have one before things got rough. It took a little time for the epideral to come, during which was wasn't really uncomfortable. The contractions were 6-7 minutes apart and again back to a 4. I felt guilty for not being more in pain with the contractions closer together.

The epideral came at about 4:00 pm. The doctor had me lay on my side at the edge of the bed. With Bacon they had me sit up and it took 3 sticks and resulted in an area of limited pain relief. This time, it only took one stick but I had some serious although incredibly short term nerve pain behind my left hip. (Really no big deal at all.) I was checked again after the epideral kicked in and was 4-5 cm and 75% effaced. It was disappointing. I felt guilty that things hadn't progressed.

The doctor broke my water and lots of gushing ensued, followed by more gushing, then some leaking and some more leaking.

Shortly after that, I wasn't worried about anything. The epideral actually made me feel drunk (without any of the negative side effects). BNITW was guessing delivery between 7 and 10 that night. I couldn't believe it would be so soon, but really didn't care if it took longer. (With Bacon everything took forever and involved at least a moderate degree of pain.) They gave me pitocin to increase and regulate the contractions, which I couldn't feel. I think BNITW did a fantastic job of regulating the meds in such a way that things easily and smoothly progressed to where they should be.

D and I chatted with BNITW and her dinner relief. Around 7:00 pm, before any physical checks, BNITW guessed that I'd deliver at 7:51 pm and the baby would weigh 7 lbs. 15 oz. Just slightly after 7:51 pm, in the middle of a conversation, I noticed that the sensations from my nether regions had changed. I remember interrupting them (at this point I didn't really feel drunk any more, just a little out there). I was asked if it felt like I had to push and while I wouldn't have described it as that myself, there was this desire to curl up and do something.

BNITW did a quick check and I was 9 cm and 90% effaced. She emptied my bladder, asked me to do a few "practice pushes" and called for the doctor.

They got a big spot light out and moved a mirror so I could watch things. BNITW had already done most of the prep work a while earlier. They didn't take off the end of the bed. The only real difference I remember was the doctor getting geared up in a face shield and paper gown.

I did pushes in groups of three timed with my contractions. At first they had me hold onto my thighs and push which really didn't work. My thighs are just too close to the rest of me to actually get any purchase. I was having trouble getting enough oxygen. I asked if I could put my feet together. I ended up pushing holding onto my feet. It worked really well. I did 3-ish sets of pushes using thighs (didn't really help things moving) and then 2-3 using feet(lots of good movement) and baby A came out. Total pushing time was about 20 minutes. Although the cord was around A's neck, the doctor simply pulled it away when his head was out. D cut the cord. (With Bacon, there was much more too do about the cord neck thing.)

There was a great moment with both Bacon and A when there's suddenly this huge baby head sticking out of you that is many things all wrapped up in the same moment - wonderful, scary things. It is a moment between lifes - the before and after of having a child. You've still kind of pregnant. And you've almost had a child. A cusp.

After he came out, cheese covered and quickly pooping and crying. BNITW got him on my chest and breast feeding. I got to see the placenta - which I really wanted to do with Bacon but was too caught up in other things. Another nurse brought it over and explained the sides and other details. I didn't need any stitches.

It took A a while to heat up. He stayed under the heat lamps for about a 1/2 hour. But eventually measured fine. BNITW bathed him and wrapped him up and we all went up to our post delivery room.

Hi, I'm tired, nice to meet you

2007-11-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

The lack of sleep is catching up with me, but generally still all good here. I think the post-amazing labor and delivery euphoria is wearing off. Its sad to see it go. I wanted to post the labor and deliver story, but can't manage it right now. So instead, more facts about stuff:

Baby A appears to look like me. A general summary is that D is tall, dark and handsome. I am moderately tall, have blue/green eyes and am fish belly white in the winter with greenish undertones. I don't have much of an upper lip. We both have cleft chins. Bacon looks like D and got his 2 lips. Baby A has dark hair, but fair eye brows and lashes. He has less lower face than Bacon, but definitely has a cleft chin. (Bacon is just getting hers.) He has no upper lip. (We're really not as strange as this catalogue of features makes us sound.)

A is sleeping all the time, except the portion of the night when he's nursing. He went from a birth weight of 7 lbs. 13 oz. to 7 lbs. 4 oz. at the doctor's today. I think he's nursing well, but has been choosing sleeping over nursing. I'll sleep better once I'm okay with that. I'm still sleeping with ear plugs. They really work to help me not hear all the little stuff and get some sleep between the big stuff.

I love having my mom in town and I love the fact that she's thinks the kids are great. I can't think of a better feeling than someone loving your children.

Really great

2007-11-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm almost too tired to form complete sentences right now, but wanted to quickly say how ultimately great everything went. From little sleep and relentless contractions at home, to the doctor's office where I had my membranes stripped, off to the hospital where the world's greatest nurse got things rolling along and where I gave birth five (count them 5!) hours later. About 20 minutes of pushing. No tears or lacerations. A dream birth as far as I'm concerned.

Bacon loves the baby. Baby A is nursing like a champ and I am, so far, pain-free. (I knew there was a reason I hadn't weaned Bacon.)

Six hard pregnancies and one hard birth. This is a very nice reward.

I had the baby

2007-11-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

He was born on Tuesday, October 30 at 8:14 pm.

Uggghhhh

2007-10-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

Baby is still inside. I'm all kinds of uncomfortable - except for last night and this morning, which were both great. I look like I have a 20 lb turkey jammed under my shirt. I'm so ready to have this baby. 38 weeks tomorrow.

My mom came in on Saturday. Its been wonderful. We had a great time with Bacon this afternoon eating sushi and playing at 2 playgrounds and over at S's house. She's getting so big and so much fun. March was the last time that my mom saw Bacon. She was 13 months old then and still so much a baby. Now at 21 months, Bacon is this little person who is so interested and interesting. Tonight she decided that a ribbon was her tail. I have no idea where she got that from, but it was seriously cute.

Bacon is still nursing 2 to 3 times a day. Often its only a minute or 2 and, for some reason, uncomfortable. Now lucky me, I'm starting to have random painful let down. I have no idea what its about, but on top of everything else (can you say or spell hemorhoids?) I have more than enough pain and discomfort right now thank you very much.

Oh so close

2007-10-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

According to my OB I'm 1-2 cm dilated, 70% effaced and the baby is very low. (He bounced when she moved her hand. A bit weird - a bit cool.) She thinks he's bigger than Bacon who was 7.3 lbs. She thinks birth will be in the next few days. Hurray and holy hell. After being very calm and collected (well generally) about this pregnancy, I am starting to get scared that someting will go wrong during this last little bit or during the birth. I so want this to be done. But I'm also getting a bit scared of having a new baby. Maybe I just need chocolate. Which reminds me - I lost 2 lbs this week. I'm trying to eat, but everything is so swished, its not working very well. I definitely haven't had the appetite I had with Bacon. I gained 27 lbs with her. I'm currently at a 20 lb gain.

Reading this over is like looking in my head right now. I'm all over the place.

I think tomorrow would be a perfect birthday for the baby. Or the next day, or the next. After that, I'm going to spend a lot of time jumping up and down.

The doctor promised if no baby by next Thursday (my next appt) I get my induction date.

Ehhhh

2007-10-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

Just motoring along here. Lots of contractions, but not that painful. I'm yo-yoing between killer tired and totally fine regardless of how much sleep I've gotten. I'm trying to be more active to encourage the coming of baby x, but I don't really have the desire to get out of the big chair if I don't absolutely have to.

I'm trying to wrap some work things up, but several minor explosions are making things interesting. Its actually kinda nice as it is distracting from those ever present contractions. I still don't have a maternity leave plan - oh well.

Tomorrow I have an early morning OB appointment. I'm so curious what's going on. I seriously bet that there are no changes dilation and efacement wise. I don't even feel as bulge-y as I did. Is the baby moving up rather than down? I am so getting an inducement date if they'll give me one. My mom arrives on Saturday, so the perfect window starts Saturday and lasts for 2 weeks. Hear that baby?

Mentally, its very strange to change from wanting the baby out from wanting to keep it in. Although I'd like the pregnancy to be done, I don't really think I have my mind around the idea that its okay to let it (the baby) go.

A random list of things to think about while contracting

2007-10-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I went off the medication yesterday. By 5:45, I was contracting every 5-10 minutes. It picked up in the middle of the night, but slowed down by morning. They're really not very painful. I was worried about being able to handle the chronic-ness of them, but so far it's not so bad. I guess that there are 3 options now: (a) my water breaks, (b) they get worse and it turns into actual labor, or (c) we go for an induction. None of these seem so bad from where I'm laying today.

List of random things:

Things to get done before the baby comes

A. New cell phone - check. Sunday my big activity out of the house was getting a new cell phone. I loved the old one even though it wouldn't hold a charge and got lousy reception. A 20 minute trip netted me a phone that I can reliably call and hear on. Both seem like a good thing when I might need to get in touch with people. My first call on the phone was today while roaming through Target. It was amazing.

B. New tires on my car - almost check. D has an appointment to get new tires today. The current ones were seriously not great all last year in the wet. Now that wet season is coming up again, it would be nice to have a car that could actually climb the hills around town. (Right now I drive around the tough ones. That is, after sliding sideways trying to get moving from a stop sign.)

C. Groceries - check. Well, this is a never ending thing. My mom is actually coming out for 2 weeks starting Saturday - hooray! We've stocked the kitchen with things she, Bacon and I like.

D. Baby things - check. The basinet now has clean bedding and is sitting in the corner of our room. I spoke to Bacon about it this morning. We have clothes, newborn diapers, wipes, and breast pads. The room is absolute chaos. But he's not going to be in there anyway, so no (or at least minimal) worries (today).

G-dog

How will he be with the new baby? I think totally fine, other than the constant desire to lick. He and Bacon get along famously. She gets a bit too excited with petting sometimes but she loves him. She currently loves standing by his wagging tail. He loves the food she provides and the good surface areas to lick. D is allergic to G. Early on, Bacon turned red and splotchy after a good licking. That hasn't happened in many months. Sunday, my friend I was over with her 6 month old, baby M. G-dog was seriously curious and definitely wanted to get some licks in, but seemed to react to her the same way he does Bacon. I guess this is the value of having a somewhat neurotic non-alpha.

Sleep and money

Reading through my entries during the first year with Bacon, these were my 2 big topics. They still take up a lot of my thoughts. If I get good sleep, I'm generally good. If I don't, it hugely affects me. This is one of the many reasons I am seriously psyched that my mom is coming for 2 weeks and D's family is visiting over Christmas for a total of 2 weeks. That's at least 4 weeks of extra sleep.

I think the money thing comes down to safety. If I can bring money in, then we must be safer. I didn't grow up with any money problems, but definitely felt a lack of safety. I think somehow the 2 are connected in my head. I feel more at ease when I'm earning money and less when I'm not.

Work

I have no official maternity leave plan. I had hoped to talk to my bosses about it on Friday, but no one was available. I am generally hoping to just continue working from home like I have during the last several months. This sounds like a workable plan, but I'm finally realizing that there is going to be a period - at least short term -- where work is not going to be a priority and there's a possibility that things may slip. Just today, I asked for help/assigned out a portion of a current project. Its a part that is most likely to clash with the upcoming birth. All other deadlines/issues are a few weeks off. I've provided people with a heads up, but haven't done anything else yet.

When will I have this baby?

I know it will be relatively soon. I would like it really soon, but it would be more convenient if my mom was actually in town. That way, we will have Bacon and G-dog coverage. I plan to ask for an induction date, if necessary, at my next appointment on Friday.

The Count Down

2007-10-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

This particular count down is to insanity; otherwise known as the day I go off the drugs that control the contractions. I thought it was Tuesday, until I looked to see how much medication I have left. Suddenly, its Monday. I just wiped these days. My stamina is measured in steps. I really want to nest, but since I can't manage to stay upright outside of my big fluffy recliner long enough to watch a half time show, its just not happening. I'm scared to go off of the meds. Not scared that the baby will come right away, but rather that it won't. I'm 37 weeks on Tuesday.

We haven't done anything to get the baby's room ready for the baby. Well, the one thing was sorting Bacon's old clothes into too pink, and by size. The idea behind the sorting is so that when we actually have the baby (who finally has a name!!), he might have something to wear that doesn't fall off. We have Bacon's basinet that we plan to use in our bedroom in the short term. Of course, I haven't actually looked at the basinet since Bacon stopped using it at around 4 months old. Hopefully, it hasn't lost a leg or sprung a leak since then.

Yesterday I suddenly had to get a crib and dresser for the baby. Of course, no stamina and a complete inability to make any decisions when there is more than one choice made that shopping trip less than successful.

As mentioned above, the baby has a name. Its a great name. The first is just something we both like. The middle is D's father's (and grandfather's and great grandfather's) first name. A bit more common than I'd like in theory, but for some reason, a more common name seems better to me for a boy. And I love that we included a family name. I do feel somewhat guilty about not including anything that has to do with my family, but if it wasn't that I was feeling bad about, there would probably be something else anyway. This will be my father's seventh grandson and the first for my father-in-law. (Oh, and I do have one nephew who has my dad's first name for a middle name.)

Now for a brief story about my recliner. I think it was pregnancy 2 or 3, I was fixated on getting an upholstered rocker/glider. When the pregnancy failed, I couldn't not get something, but it couldn't be related to a baby. (I can see why D think's I'm a bit choosey.) We ended up at a sale on recliners where I chose a pretty ugly brown/plaid-ish one. It didn't match anything in the old house and currently doesn't match anything we own. But, you know, I still love it. It is cozy and is my comfort chair. It was great for holding and nursing newborn Bacon and has been great for stretching out my current beached whale-like form. Someday it needs to be relegated somewhere other than prime living room space. We really need more seating in the living room. But for now, I look forward to being cradled in the comfort of that big ugly comfy chair while caring for both Bacon and our soon-to-be new little one.

Second verse, same as the first

2007-10-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how this pregnancy has been a carbon copy of my last. Early contractions and bedrest and drugs - check. Off the ibuprofen and contractions ramp up - check. The waiting at the end and uncertainty - check, check. But I must say, it is much easier going through it knowing that the chances of success at this point are extremely high. (And have I said recently how much I love the drugs?)

I missed Monday's Day of Remembrance. It doesn't mean I don't remember the four that came before; the four that would have been our much loved children. It's clear I don't do this pregnancy thing well. In the depths of hormones, I storm about this fact. That I can't rely on my ability to be reliable; to make it through a day without crashing. But bottom-line, I'm lucky enough to do it well enough.

My miscarriages were officially unexplained after the biggest boatload of testing they could come up with (and the drugs that were supposed to help with "egg quality.") How did I get lucky enough that my, clearly, seriously irritable uterus calmed down for Bacon and this little one to stay in and grow? No idea. But I'm so happy that they did.

The jitters

2007-10-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

I expected them when I started the terbutaline, but I didn't get them. But for some reason, today when I've been having low grade contractions close together for hours, I get them. Lots of contractions and lots of jitters is wearing me out - and I've done absolutely nothing today. I can't concentrate or motivate. I'm just trying to get through it.

I'm 36 weeks tomorrow. Next Tuesday I go off all the drugs. Just a few more weeks until we get to meet this new one and my body can stop doing what it clearly doesn't like.

Nothing new

2007-10-10T20:49:00.001-07:00

Nothing has changed here, other than the fact that the baby is lower. We now have something of a plan. I'm going to stay on my current meds until week 37. Last time I stopped one drug at 36 weeks and the second at 37. I think the difference is because this one's a boy and my track record. At 37 weeks, I go cold turkey and hope to go into labor before I go crazy with contractions.

I'm so glad to stay on the meds for another almost 2 weeks - non-stop contractions just suck. This week has been going well and although I'm excited to be done, I'm not nearly so desparate about it as I was last week.

D and I have been talking about what to do about birth control after this. Other than being an ironic topic, I guess it is something we need to deal with. We were originally talking surgery for one of us. But, I just don't want anything that final. (And D doesn't want surgery. Well, I don't either.) I plan to talk to my doctor about an IUD. I've heard generally good scuttlebutt about them; love the idea about not having to worry about something every day; and just in case my memory of my pregnancies fade, having 2 kids under 2 doesn't kill either D or me, we decide to try for #3, and I can actually get and stay pregnant, we could possibly do this again. That's a lot of ifs, but definitely worth the possibility.

35 weeks

2007-10-09T11:36:00.001-07:00

Hurray, I got here. Last night I read through my postings around the same time in my pregnancy with Bacon. I do think it was worse last time. Largely because I didn't have the benefits of having gone through it and also, I wasn't on so many meds so early. The lack of months and months of contractions with a hospital visit thrown in here and there was stressful, not to mention painful and seriously tiring.

Unlike last time, the contractions generally don't get worse in the middle of the night. And if they do, I have some handy medication to take. My sleep is only disrupted by the standard late pregnancy things like needing to use the bathroom or wanting to roll over.

I'm still having periods of contractions that are 4 minutes apart, but the terbutaline has slowed them all down. The pelvic pain is there, but not crazy bad. I got the okay to take Vicodin if the pain is too much. Since last Friday I've taken one. But knowing that I have help to handle things when they get to be too much is seriously helpful to my peace of mind. I know that labor may be hard and the sleep deprivation is likely to start right after that. Trying to stay out of a deficit and keeping my sanity now are the only things that I can think to do to help.

I'm not absolutely certain that I will be able to tell the difference between the contractions I'm having and labor. Last time, my water broke about 12 hours before I started having any cervical changes - and they may have only come with help from pitocin. Thinking back, there is definitely a difference in intensity so I'll rely on that. (The worrier in me keeps remembering other people's blog entries about "mild" contractions and suddenly being in labor.) I tell myself that people have been doing this forever and that I'll figure it out when the time comes.

Today seems to feel a little different - more pelvic pressure and a slight bit of blood. This week's OB appointment is tomorrow, so we'll see what's happening then.

Just Ugh.

2007-10-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

Who knew how great ibuprofen is? I'm now contracting a ton, didn't sleep last night and, between contractions and a very active baby, feel like everything in my abdominal cavity has been bruised. My scheduled visit to the OB happened today and a good part of me was hoping to hear that the baby was coming out very soon. Thankfully, that's not the case. According to her "snubby little fingers" (her phrase), I'm not even dilated today. The medication isn't stopping the contractions. Today, it doesn't even seem to be slowing them down. And while they're not like labor contractions, they are painful and generally DON'T STOP for long. (Thinking about it, they are about the same as miscarriage contractions but closer together.) The doctor actually suggested benadryl to help. I'll try anything at this point.

I'm going to have trouble staying sane if I get weeks and weeks of this. Earlier in the pregnancy, I felt very sad with the thought of not trying to have another. Now, I can't imagine being able to take it again. Is this a lucky benefit of being 40? Or just the luck of my genes?

The doctor said that if I'm still pregnant at 39 weeks we can induce. Thank everyone and everything that there is an actual end in sight. It just happens to be up to 4 1/2 weeks away. Well, no choice right? And in the big picture, I do get a baby out of this, right? Ouch.

So close I can almost taste it

2007-10-03T13:44:00.001-07:00

Well, back on bedrest. I have been contracting every 5-10 minutes for many hours a day since Monday. I'm now 1 cm dilated and about 2.5 cm in length. I have partial Bacon coverage and will have more meds, so we're going to see what happens. With Bacon, I didn't even start dilating until about 12 hours after my water broke - after days and days and days of contractions. This could mean something, or not. At 34 weeks, almost all babies to go NICU.

Wouldn't it be great to be one of those women who go swimmingly through pregnancy only to feel their first contraction when they're actually going to deliver the baby?

If I knew that this was all practice, I could easily handle it. Instead, this is the (second) part where I become emotionally fragile.

The Sister

2007-10-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned, I so wanted my sister to visit, but I was also a bit worried that it would go incredibly sideways, as things involving my family have a tendency to go. It was a great visit. The first time I've seen her away from her family in approximately 14 years. Although it wasn't neutral territory, which seems to work better with the fam, it still seemed to work well. Similar to how things work with my mom, if you take her away from the freak-out of her home life, things (generally) seem to work better.

We spoke a bit about our childhood, a seriously crazy time, and some about her marriage, which isn't her favorite part of life these days, but generally didn't get into heavy topics. I knew she had bedrest and medication with her pregnancies, but didn't know that she was in the hospital on a mag drip for 2 out of 3.

For all of our differences, there is something very comforting to talk to someone who knows what you came from in a way you can't explain to someone who wasn't there. She's 4 years older than I am so has different specific memories, but, the general themes and events are exactly the same.

I'm now 34 weeks along. Hurray, the end game! While I still think this pregnancy is the smoothest so far, the late pregnancy things are setting in: the non-progressing contractions; the pelvic pain; the congestion; the lack of sleep; and mostly the strong desire that we be done. Trying to keep a toddler entertained while not breaking myself (or being overwhelmed by the pain and discomfort) seems to be the challenge of the day. Only several more weeks - go body and baby!

Recurrent Miscarrier = Geeky Teenager

2007-09-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I read several entries from other bloggers over the years addressing the question of whether women who go through infertility or recurrent miscarriage get over it. After a lot of thought, I've come up with what I think is a very reasonable conclusion -- that its a lot like being a geeky teenager. Back in high school, there were those that skipped acne and being all knees and elbows. They knew how to apply makeup without looking silly and actually had dates with boys. Then there were the rest of us. The ackward, funny-looking and uncomfortable. I think I was at least 18 before my knees weren't the widest part of my legs.

Luckily, I grew out of it, but never forgot those years. The comparison between me and girls that looked like celebrity girls look today -- who I've always told myself peaked in high school. To judge the difference between high school and later, its easier to look at other people. To see the boys who played computer games vs. the sports stars -- those who became the kind thoughtful adults vs. the beer-drinking armchair quarterbacks. (Guess which one I married.)

Anyway, back to the point: while high school was easy for some; it wasn't for others. The hard, painful experiences shaped us into the adults we became. I think infertility or recurrent miscarriage is like this. When we're fortunate enough to have children, it doesn't erase the taunts in the hallway or more specifically the pain of loss after loss. These experiences shaped and changed us and forever impact the way that we view the world.

But wait, there are more (weeks)

2007-09-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

My sister's visit is going swimmingly. Its been great having her here. Her daughter is missing her terribly because she's not used to mom being away, but its only for a few more days. I was feeling much better/less tired after taking my iron supplement. Then started doing more than I can handle, like walking for 10 minutes, and am wiped again. The heartburn is getting more prevalent. But the baby, he is agrowing, so it makes sense. I've been super sore today and yesterday which I am chalking up to a growing baby doing a lot of moving. I'm 33 weeks now and measuring 35. My weight is up 2 more pounds for a total of 22.

I'm starting to feel totally gigantic and just feel the aches and pains of late pregnancy. It seems like there's no place left I can grow, but know that I will. Part of me would love to have this baby be born as soon as possible, but the rest of me knows that he needs to stay in for several more weeks. I'm still having some contractions that simply tire me out. But they don't seem to be leading anywhere.

D is being great with my sister. He's feeding her and took her running last night, while I lay around. Bacon is finally (!!) getting over whatever she's had for almost 2 weeks. I think it may have been a few things that happened to come up at about the same time. This last part I'm assuming was her fourth molar that I just noticed poking through today. She's finally getting back to her usual sunny self. Its much easier to deal with late pregnancy when you don't have a 19 month old clinging, crying and wanting to nurse constantly. (Yes, I can't believe that I'm still nursing her. We were close to having a mutual stop about a month and a half ago, but no. With this recent illness, I am the combined complaint department and comfort center. I have no idea if I'll nurse 2 or how I'll do it. But I'm going to worry about that later.)

Baby sized!

2007-09-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

I love ultrasounds. They are so - information packed. Today I got to know that (1) my cervix is doing great - the best measurement this pregnancy at 2.9 cm; (2) my fluid levels continue to be good; and (3) I have a baby sized baby in there. Baby x is estimated to weigh 5 lbs. 4 oz. That's baby sized! Everything except his femurs are measuring three weeks ahead. Ironic because Bacon's femurs were super long.

I am freakin' tired. Maybe I'm a bit sick or anemic, or, I don't know. But taking care of a toddler is kickin' my butt. All I want to do is lay in bed. If I actually had full time daycare coverage, bedrest would be a blessing. But of course I don't, so fortunately I don't need it right now.

My sister is coming next week. Because I asked her to and paid for her ticket. I'm expecting the worst. Sounds crazy I know. But, she's related to me by birth, so that seems to be the way to go to actually enjoy any of the visit.

32 weeks. Likely 6-8 weeks left. Holy Moses.

The long and short

2007-09-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Bacon seems to be finally getting over whatever has made her nose run and turn her into a super crab for the last several days. I'm really hoping that all of it was a cold and not (as I fear) the beginning of the twos. Oh no, she doesn't want her shoes on! Oh no, she doesn't want her shoes off! Up, up, up! Down, down, down! I've been going to bed at 7:00 - Bacon's bedtime - this week.

At today's OB appointment. I'm up a pound. A trace + protein. And on digital exam (ouch), the OB estimates that my cervix is closed and in the "low 2s." She seemed to be unconcerned, so I'm trying to be too. I will be scheduling an ultrasound measurement for next Monday.

I have 2 more weeks of my meds and then I go off the ibuprofen and increase the nifedipine. This really has been an easier pregnancy that the one with Bacon. Part of it is simply emotional. I've mentioned this before, but I was so convinced that Bacon was going to die; either before or very shortly after she was born that I went through the pregnancy with a sense of doom. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. This time, no doom. Other than the shortened cervix, everything else is going much better. The contractions are there, but generally not bad. Very few bloody noses so far. Last time they were daily at least for several months. My back has been great. Heartburn is minimal and so far I don't have that really bad pain under my lower right my ribs.

I have a feeling that there are many things that I will have wished I had done when I only had one child to deal with, but I can't think of anything to actually do. Well, the one thing I can think of is grocery shopping, but that's not something that I can do now to avoid later.

Thoughts on the future

2007-09-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

Earlier in this pregnancy I was seriously worried about the idea of caring for 2 little ones. I still feel a touch of panic when D and I are in some situation with Bacon that is taking effort from both of us and he asks if I can imagine it with two. But, Bacon, who is now 19 months old, is getting so grown up that it doesn't seem so bad. Multiples sounds overwhelming to me. Sleep deprivation is simply bad no matter how many kids/babies there are. While I definitely expect two to be much busier, I'm not nearly as frightened as I was when Bacon was younger and her needs more similar to those of a younger baby.

Pregnancy has a lot of good things, but, for me, its also a time of some fear about the future; both near and far. I can't physically do what I want to do. I'm not earning my potential. I'm facing time off of work with even less income coming in, plus a sidestep in my "career," and well, I look funny. Its not that I think that I won't get back to where I want to at work and that D will find some hot young thing. But, I'm definitely a bit off balance and feel less certain about myself.

D and I don't talk about the future much. We've started a college fund for Bacon and will for baby x. We've spoken a bit about vacations in the next few years. (This year got skipped with bedrest and D's new job.) But D has said a few things lately that I just find - cool; reassuring; sweet; wonderful - that I'm assuming have a lot to do with pregnancy hormones and this sense of vague uncertainty. The other day we were out driving somewhere when D noted that some day we will have spent more time together than we have apart. This morning I was talking about something and his response was that whatever it was wouldn't happen until we were retired. We've been together for less than five years. I'm 40. Clearly, these times that are coming are decades away. For some reason (hormones?), his simple assumption that these events will come to pass just makes me say awwww, on the inside of course.

One of Those Days

2007-09-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

The other night I had a dream that I was back to working full time and it felt wonderful. I woke up thinking about the dream. The feelings were so strong, yet so different than work actually feels in real life. I enjoy the work part of work. I like the challenges and the successes, and well, the income. I don't like the politics and in particular, some of the interpersonal issues of my actual job. I also don't enjoy the stress associated with the balancing. Today was a day of very bad balance - my fault. It was a no nanny day that I needed to work for an unknown period. Back-up plan D was finally in place - my wonderful friend L agreed to watch Bacon while I was busy. And I was a bad friend. I went hours over my estimated time with a dead cell phone and without calling her. I kept thinking that we were close to wrapping up and I'd call when I was heading out. Things kept stretching out. They were worried. They ended up calling D. He was worried. He went to pick up Bacon without a carseat. L had to feed Bacon dinner. She went through all of the diapers I sent. Traffic was horrible. It took me forever to get there.

I apologized and will apologize again to both L and D. I hate being a bad friend. I try to be thoughtful, but sometimes, like today, I totally blow it. It was all me -- strangely enough (1) trying to only pay for parking that I would need while not getting ticketed or towed -- I ended up moving the car twice; and (2) representing my client while doing things as quickly as possible which included follow up calls to my office and the client and getting my office to do on-line research for me (the work was out of the office). Boy, I can make things complicated when I really try.

Highs and Lows

2007-08-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Until Bacon was about 12 months old, I met with a moms and babies group. We started meeting when the babies were a few months old. Every meeting involved everyone discussing their highs and lows since the last meeting. Being high risk pregnant with some complications is emotionally similar to having a new baby. The facts are complicated by the worry. The fact that everything is fine can come crashing down in a second based on - well, nothing really.

I'm feeling really good this week -- ever since I went to the doctor on Monday to check on some pesky contractions. Bacon is teething, so seriously cranky at times, but generally a lot of fun. She's so kid-like (as opposed to baby-like) these days. She loves berries, airplanes, dogs, balloons, and her nanny. She loves, loves, loves her nanny.

I was thinking of the lows when I got an email from one of the moms who was in my group. I haven't seen her or any of the other members in about 6 months, although we do email periodically. Her husband just died. Unexpectantly. He just died. I can't even wrap my mind around it. H and I - my thoughts are with you.

Family - big sigh

2007-08-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Since I started blogging, I very rarely refer to my family other than D and Bacon and G dog or D's family. Mine is, well, tiring. When I first went on bedrest in July and was seriously freaked about the terrible things that might happen if I did too much, I asked both my mom (who runs a small business with my dad) and my sister (who is a stay at home mom with kids aged 9, 12, and 15) if they could come and help out. Prior to that, mom has been trying to plan a visit since January. (We actually even had dates picked back in Feb., but something came up.) Sister has been in a serious funk about her marriage and life. In late spring, I offered my frequent flyer miles to bring her out here for a break.

As things currently stand, sister is willing to come out for a few days on my miles if the days and the times are right (both moving targets) during a 2 week window in September. (I get the idea that she doesn't know how miles work.) Mom is waiting to see what sister does before she's willing to plan anything, but happened to mention this morning that September (which is the month she swore since June would be a good time for her to visit each time she postponed her visit) is now not good because of work. And not because of anything that's come up, but rather an annual deadline that has been annual since forever.

I've lived on the opposite coast from my family for 15 years now. My sister has been out twice including one visit for my wedding. My father, who is still happily (if he's actually ever happy) married to my mom, has been out twice. Once for work and once for my wedding. He's only seen Bacon because we flew back with her for his birthday last year and mom's birthday this year.

My mom's birthday was the first time in eight years that all of us kids and almost all of the grandkids (8 out of 9) have been together in one place. It lasted about 3 hours. I, generally, get along with everyone. But, they don't get along with each other. They just don't seem to like each other. (At least there haven't been any fights or death threats for over 10 years.)

Everything having to do with my family takes so much work. Even with a lot of effort, there's a good chance that things are going to crash and burn - or someone will change their mind and just not show up (sometimes after I've already flown across the country).

Reading over this entry, I wonder why I try and I guess it comes down to family. This is who I've got. I want to love and support them and I want them to love and support me. I want them to want to know Bacon and baby x. I feel so blessed to have my family here at home - D, Bacon and G dog - and D's family. My other family just makes me sigh.

More Glucola

2007-08-23T15:59:00.001-07:00

Another factor in last week's cryfest was failing the one hour glucose test. Today was the 3 hour. I was dreading it, but it wasn't bad - 1 glucola chug, 4 blood draws and 3 hours hanging around the lab and I was done. I may even get the results tomorrow. I really don't think I failed it, but we'll see.

Monday I had my every two week ultrasound. Cervix still stable at 2.5 mm and plenty of fluid. I gained 2 more pounds.

Life seems more positive this week. I'm feeling better with some activity. The contractions are around, but not in any pattern (since Sunday). The best news from Monday's ultrasound is that baby x is estimated at weighing 3 lbs. 2 oz. This just sounds so much like a baby. That combined with the fact that I'm now 28 weeks, using any method of measurement, means that we're in a good place.

Sometimes its easier to focus on the hurdles. Sometimes the hurdles are still there, but just don't matter. Today the hurdles seem small.

Things are better - really

2007-08-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'm at 27 and 1/2 weeks and things are better. Tuesday and Friday I took care of Bacon. Tuesday was tough - I think primarily because I had been lying in bed for 4 weeks. Friday was better. The contractions are generally minimal, although I did have two hours of contractions this morning that has led me to stay in bed so far today. They've mostly stopped.

This week has been a big crying week - I'll blame the pregnancy hormones related to my general sense of being out of control. I've been able to do some of everything this week, which should be a really positive thing. But, strangely this has been the most emotional week since I was first put on bedrest. I'm finding being able to do some things, but not really enough of anything hard.

Bacon's fabulous nanny returns to pre-school in 2 weeks, which means if I'm not up for taking care of Bacon during her available hours, we've got to come up with another plan. We have a plan in the works, but, there's something about not being able to handle things that makes me simply not want to think about it.

All that being said, the weeks are passing and we're getting somewhere. As long as I can focus on the big picture, I'm okay. Its when I think short-term - my inability to do things, including earning money while paying the nanny to take care of Bacon - that I get side-tracked. Ommmmm.

Knowing the exact day of conception

2007-08-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Using your LMP to determine your due date is based on the concept that most women don't know when they conceived. If you've done IVF or an IUI, you know. If you've tracking your ovulation for months or happen to have had only one conception-causing event in the requisite time period, you know. In trying to push baby x's development along, I've been trying to use my ultrasound dates for gestation when I know they're not right. In this case, I know because baby x was conceived at the tale end of the worst part of the stomach flu. The stomach flu that hit right after Valentine's Day dinner that I had cooked and involved about eight hours of gut-wrenching unpleasantness, days of don't come near me, and weeks of "yuck." (D got a lighter case that started in the early morning the following day, and didn't linger nearly as long.)

Even with feeling less than par, I knew when ovulation should arrive and the needed activities to get the desired result. Which activities ensued on the necessary day with the results being baby x.

With Bacon, it was a bit trickier, since I had started BCPs in preparation for IVF, only to stop a few days later at the recommendation of the recurrent miscarriage specialist. But, based on the days I was out of town for work followed shortly thereafter by a camping trip with lots of friends, I know the day. (As an aside, do people actually tell their children these details or husbands for that matter? I guess you could always give them cute nick-names like stomach-flu and back from work.)

While I'm very happy that they do ultrasound measuring to check on development, the whole ultrasound dating thing seems like another way to say to expectant moms that they really don't know what's going on. Regardless of when your LMP was and when you claim to have ovulated, this is actually how far along your baby is. And while I'm a bit flabbergasted by the idea that they don't think I know what has happened, I want them to be right - maybe everything did happen a week earlier than I thought it did.

So today is either 28d0 or 27d1. I still like their numbers better.

More Drugs

2007-08-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

Since I'm still contracting through the ibruprofen - not constantly, and not even that often (mostly) if I'm horizontal, but it does happen up when I'm up and about - I get to take nifedipine too. No cervix measurements this week - I get to go back to the ultrasound place next Monday. I gained 2 lbs. this past week. Makes sense with the brownies and whatnot I've been eating - up to 157 lbs.

I love my girls

2007-08-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

What a great weekend. C was in from Europe. J set up a 2 hour boat trip for the girls. I love the girls. What a great break from bedrest. (Very limited walking and very calm sitting.) Unfortunately, I felt bad on Sunday and don't feel great today, but Saturday night was so much fun. Just having a few hours of isolated adult girl time - hearing everyone's stories - was simply wonderful. These women are people I've known for years. Everyone has faced hurdles, but they're such positive people. I'm still buzzing from the residual good vibe.

My weekly OB appointment is later today. I get to drink the glucola today. Last time around I got lucky enough to do the 3 hour test. (I have very strong memories of sleeping in the lab's waiting room between blood tests.) Hopefully, I won't have to go through that again this time (and of course, hopefully I don't have gestational diabetes.)

Hooray

2007-08-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Everything is stable - cervix 2.7 cm; fluid levels are good. I get to get up periodically and start helping out more with Bacon. Yeah! They are still going to check me every week to make sure things stay where they are with the goal to keep baby x in and keep me out of the hospital.

So far bed rest has lasted almost 3 weeks. Once I got through most of the worry and fear that the baby was going to come very soon, time has passed quickly. Now that I can get up and do some things without (too much) worry, I think it will be even better.

Last Days of (Complete) Bed Rest?

2007-08-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so hoping I get to get up soon. Today an ultrasound at my OB's office showed the same cervical length - 2.5 cm. She did a fetal fibronectin test - results on Monday. If its negative and I have a "stable" ultrasound on Tuesday (at the radiologist's) I get to get up some. My OB okayed my attendance at a meeting on Monday afternoon (assuming a negative). Hooray!

I've been using my ultrasound due date which makes me 26w2d. According to my original dates, I'm 25w3d. I like the first numbers better. I now weigh 155 lbs.; up 1 lb. from last week; but down 0.5 from 2 weeks ago. Apparently kit-kats and ice cream are good for weight maintenance - go figure. Weight gain = 12 lbs.

I got a new client this week. Not the referral from several weeks ago, that didn't happen, but another one. Yeah! Its a bunch of stuff I can do from home and the meeting on Monday. Very cool.

Bacon had her 18 month doctor's visit today. She sounds like a lollipop - 10% weight; 50% height; and 75% head. She's finally over 20 pounds - 20 lbs. 12 oz. I swear she eats constantly.

Boring, But Good

2007-07-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks on bedrest. My next check is Friday. Wonderful nanny is on vacation Thursday and Friday, so D is staying home with me and Bacon for those days. D has accepted a job offer (the offer is pending hearing back from 2 of his references) making a bit less, but a much shorter commute.

The weather is beautiful - sunny and 70s/low 80s. And I'm lying in bed. Our great next door neighbors made us dinner on Sunday. (They rock!) My mom, sister and MIL may all come for visits in the next 2 months. And I'm bored. Other than a headache (how can I possibly have one on so much ibuprofen?) and some dizziness that according to my OB is totally unrelated to the pregnancy, I feel pretty good.

The contractions are way down since Sunday morning. (Saturday and Sunday morning they were up to 10 an hour.) I'm down to several a day and those don't even hurt. Maybe this means good news on Friday.

I love Etsy (http://www.etsy.com/) because I love handmade things, but have little to no skill actually making things. I just ordered some new burp cloths and a blanket that look amazing and the prices are oh so reasonable.

#2's room is still the spare room that has collected spare furniture and the stuff that Bacon has outgrown. But, I wish #2's room looked more like a baby room (without actually having to do any work to make it so.) We were so fortunate to receive most of the things we needed for Bacon from friends whose children had outgrown them. Now with some overlap, we may actually have to purchase some things for #2. The time down gives me planning time, but no opportunity to do anything (other than buy on-line).

Week 26 starts tomorrow and I've already started buying things for #2. I don't feel the jinx factor like I did with Bacon. I don't know why, but it really is a wonderful thing.

Down for the Count

2007-07-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

Down = bedrest. For the Count = forseeable future; possible until 36 weeks. Cervix was measured at 2.5 cm compared to 2.7 cm last week. The radiologist and OB say that this is essentially no change. But, according to the OB, a sign that things aren't improving or getting worse. It still made me cry. Baby boy was breech as opposed to last week when he was head down. This certainly defeats my theory that the baby's head was pushing on things making it worse.

This means weeks of seeing Bacon for short stints, paying to have the nanny watch her when she can, earning little to no money, figuring out what to do with Bacon when nanny returns to her pre-school gig in September, all while I just lay here and try not to contract or let my cervix shorten.

The good news is that the OB says that if things go south, it won't happen quickly. That statement gives me tons of peace of mind. We're at 25 weeks today, so three more super critical weeks, then other (I'm not counting them, la, la, la, you can't make me) weeks to get us to 36.

How did I block this out from my pregnancy with Bacon? It seemed so reasonable to expect this as a possibility before I got pregnant and even during the first trimester. But, somehow, in the past several weeks, I totally stopped thinking of this. One good reason was that the contractions just haven't been as bad as they were with Bacon. But, my sister was on bedrest for 2 and drugs to stop contractions for all 3 of her children. She made it to at least 28 weeks before starting, but still.

I have this big theory, that I've mentioned briefly before, that my miscarriages and this whole bedrest thing are all due to an "irritable" uterus. My guess is that my sister has it too; just not as bad. I think its strange that absolutely no doctor has ever suggested this to me, but it just makes too much sense.

As of today, I've got a near perfect set up in the bedroom: (1) laptop with wireless internet; (2) TV and DVD player; and (3) lots of books on order from the library. I told work today and hopefully, they'll let me keep the projects that I can do remotely. Since this is almost everything I have, I'm hoping it will work. Our group is just slow now, so nothing is pressing. But a bit of work every day helps keep me sane and provides with some income to offset the extra nanny costs.

1/2 week down

2007-07-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm half way through my week of bedrest. I've spent a lot of time googling short cervix and bedrest and preterm birth and other related topics. Generally it seems like a short cervix is not a good indicator for delivering at term, but nothing is impending until you're down to 1.5 cm or lower. I tried to stick to recent medical journal articles and studies. A lot of it seems contradictory. There seems to be nothing to support bedrest in helping delay delivery. I read one article that actually suggested that hospital bedrest may be a causative factor for preterm delivery by itself. The best indicator of preterm delivery seems to be transvaginal ultrasound cervix measurements and fetal fibronectin (I may have the spelling wrong on that). If your cervix is very short (< 1.5 cm) and you have a positive fFn, the odds show that you're likely to deliver in the next 3 weeks.

Well, at least the research has kept me somewhat busy. Bedrest has been - not so bad so far. I'm just generally low grade worrying, with some random peaks of doom. Since its the weekend, D is home, so I can go downstairs and visit him and Bacon or they periodically come up and visit me. I'm still contracting, but its generally 0-6 times an hour - even with the mega doses of ibuprofen. Last night was good, but the night before - not so good. I woke up (if you could call it that) thinking I should call the doctor and thinking how bad things were. Things got better. I keep waiting for the ibuprofen to stop all my contractions and its just not happening. I keep thinking that this isn't nearly as bad as the preterm contractions were with Bacon, but then again, my cervix always stayed nice and long when I was pregnant with her.

It comes down to not wanting to complain too much if its nothing but not wanting to miss anything if its something. For all the times that I was checked with Bacon and the several runs to the hospital for shots to help slow the contractions, I just don't know what's acceptable or serious. Prior to the short cervix measurement, I had convinced myself that the contractions were no big deal and just something I had to live with. I thought I was really playing it safe by not walking if I could avoid it and really laying super low. That hasn't seemed to have worked.

I don't want to cry wolf, but I don't know if I'd recognize a wolf if I saw one right now.

Plan for the next week: Bedrest

2007-07-18T19:35:00.001-07:00

I've been put on bedrest for the next week because of a shortened cervix - 2.7 cm. A week of rest and lots of ibuprofen will be followed by another check and hopefully I'll be back on my feet. Our little buddy looks great - 1 lb. 8 oz; measuring 24 weeks - right on track. I've gained 3 lbs since last month for a total of 12 lbs so far.

I feel relatively good. The contractions are there, but not as bad as last pregnancy. Of course, last time my cervix never measured below 3.5. I just can't believe that this is anything serious. But I'm willing to do what is needed to get a healthy baby at the end (an end later than 24 weeks). Luckily our nanny is able to help out the extra days this week and next week. I even have some work I can do from the comfort of my own bed, to help cover the costs.

Of course I do remember how crazy bedrest made me last time, so I'm seriously hopeful that this will be over in a week. If not, we'll find a way to deal. It can only go on for a total of 12-14 weeks - hmmm 3 to 3 1/2 months - yuck.

Other than the heat

2007-07-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was 97 degrees. So what you say, but do you live in a city with limited air conditioning? It was surprisingly not that bad. I finally got some decent sleep starting around 12:30. Today is supposed to be in the mid-80s, but it is seriously overcast, so I'm hoping for less. People are kind - asking me how I'm going in the heat. Luckily at 5 1/2 months pregnant, I'm doing just like everyone else. I'm not that big and uncomfortable. I'm just not normal sized. Baby X (it seems like we're never going to agree on a name) is jumping and kicking, but at this size, its just fun.

Work hoopla was followed by meetings which were reassuring regarding my office's appreciation for the work that I do, but gave no indication of any forward progress. I've got some interesting work that is keeping me somewhat busy - and I got to see the new Harry Potter yesterday. Monday I told my favorite client that we're expecting #2. It was hard to say - I feel like I'm somehow slacking to have "another" child. But hopefully that's only my own issue. I'm glad that the tale has been told.

Bacon, at 17 months, is transitioning to one nap a day. She's been such at great sleeper for so long that its a bit sad. She's almost always only taking one 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. But sometime between an hour and a 1/2 hour before bedtime, she starts to melt. Other than that, she's just growing up so much. As friends have told me, it just keeps getting better. Her favorite things are dogs, balloons and birds. She chats or sings almost constantly - if she's not eating, which is often. She's still small and light for her age. But with the rate of food intake, I'm not worried about her health. (L's daughter who is 10 months older is big for her age. The 2 of them look to be a couple of years apart.)

Its fun to think about baby X and what he'll be like. Will he, like Bacon, take after D and be dark or after me and be light? I think the genetic odds are against me, but we'll see.

Plans for the Future

2007-07-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

My recent work hoopla was caused, in part, by my desire to think about my future. Although I can't say what life with 2 children will be like, I do want to continue to work. I really like what I do - in fact I love the challenges and feel invigorated when I have an opportunity to do the hard stuff. I desire some control in my life. Work is an easier place to get it than home. Home is ruled by nap schedules, demands for food and the need for clean clothes.

Part time in a field that very much doesn't support part time work is -- weird. Where success in work is measured, at least in part, by the number of hours you can bill; part-time work automatically puts you (at least) one down. Traveling when needed; staying any and all hours is something that I haven't committed to. But, clearly, if I'm not doing it someone else may have to. When I look at it this way, its understandable that I am one down.

Am I in the right job? How could I possibly change fields? Do I want to? Would another office be any different?

(Baby who tooks way too short of a nap is calling.)

Work - well what do you know?

2007-06-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

Still haven't had my follow-up meeting, but I did get a voice mail from Boss 1 saying very wonderful things. I'm starting to get the feeling that Monday's meeting was a case of the wrong place at the wrong time. Still very unpleasant, but not insurmountable.

I'm so glad I spoke to Boss 2 yesterday. Ultimately, I think this is all good and will help figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up (or am no longer pregnant or with a small baby at home.)

Work (big sigh)

2007-06-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

Holy mama-jama, yesterday's meeting with Boss 1 went down in flames. A follow-up with Boss 2 went better today and hopefully the re-cap meeting later this week or early next week will be less terrible.

Everything else is going well. Oh well.

Work Drama

2007-06-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

Boss 1 has been out of town, so Boss 2 and I have plans to meet with Boss 1 on Monday to discuss plans. Angst on this topic has been removed.

Later on Wednesday, one of my 2 clients called to let me know that she has referred other work my way. I hadn't spoke to her in a few months -- this was great timing. I don't know if I'll actually get the work - someone asked for a recommendation in my state, by it was certainly great to hear. I'm somewhat afraid that the call may be forwarded to team leader in my absence and this will turn into more of the same. Well, we'll see.

Everything is good on the developing baby front. I've gained 9 pounds, cervix is long and closed. Not too many contractions.

The Universe said "ha!"

2007-06-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

Why oh why did I mention that nothing was happening? Ye olde contractions started in earnest Sunday. The ibuprofen helps somewhat but it seems like I'm spending a lot of time with the feeling that my uterus is a clenched fist. And I'm amazingly tired. I think all the clenching it using up my energy. I have my scheduled appointment today and will have things checked out, but I assume this is like last time; that I'll have lots of contractions before anything serious happens. That this will just be a race against keeping my sanity and being able to sleep. Sounds like a lot of fun? I'm hoping having done through this once before that I can cap the worry to reasonable levels. I'm 19 weeks, so still some weeks to viability and good baby health. Go little boy go!

I attended a great work retreat last week.

I finally worked up the nerve to ask to be switched to different work. I've worried that its been too long since I've done other things that my performance would suffer if I tried something new. My one recent project with the other company leader has gone great and my old area of work, under team leader, has continued to be frustrating.

I made my pitch for the change in person to boss 2 on Friday and yesterday (via email) to boss 1. Another co-worker even offered to back me up on the new work (I'd be taking some of a very heavy load off of her). Boss 2 seems very willing even with my limited time in the office. Its perfect timing for my old work which has dropped off precipitously.

Now if I can just stay off of bed rest.

Not much, how about you?

2007-06-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

There's just not much happening these days. Knowing that the little one is a boy gave me a whole new set of things to worry about, but I've even (mostly) worked through that. Bacon is growing and getting more interesting. She understands a lot and is starting to have her own opinion more (yikes!). She's still sleeping like a champ. Generally 2 2 hour naps a day, plus 12-ish hours at night. Hooray! I'm working 2 + full days of work a week and still feeling pretty mixed about the experience. I actually love working part time. But, I'm not a good cog. Sounds like its time to explore other options.

We had our typical May start of summer, followed by gloomy chilly June. Sweater are back on, but we can sleep at night. Lots of walks are replaced with lots of blocks. I've outgrown all my regular pants, but still mostly just look like I've been eating a lot.

See, nothing exciting.

News on the bambino

2007-05-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

We had an ultrasound yesterday. It looks like we have a healthy baby - BOY!

Marriage and baby

2007-05-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

This morning there was a story on Good Morning America (I think) about a program that is following married couples. Its a documentary, like 7-Up, I think. Well, anyway, it got me to thinking about my marriage. I will be married 4 years in July. Everything started with a miscarriage, then a year of trying to get pregnant again, then 3 more miscarriages, then my pregnancy with Bacon, her first year, then this current pregnancy.

Strangely, when I look back at my marriage, last year was the hardest. Strangely, the first 2 years of miscarriage were great marriage years. We pulled together. I felt very loved. We had a fantastic delayed honeymoon a year after we got married.

Marriage with a newborn was hard. None of my clothes fit. I was in pain from plugged ducts. I was sleep deprived. I was constantly challenged by being a new parent. And the marriage part of my life took a back seat. I remember thinking, shortly before Bacon was sleeping through the night, that life would be easier without D. Things got much better with sleep -- and the end of the pain.

Things with the family are very fun now. But, life with a family -- not just a husband -- is different. When it was just the 2 of us, marriage wasn't work. It just happened. I think I'm finally getting that it is a bit a work, more maybe it's more accurate to say that I have to pay attention to it and give it some of my time and effort. I love D and can't imagine life without him. I'm concerned about life with a newborn again. But remembering the marriage, the love and the joy apart from the family are important.

ouch

2007-05-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

The weather here has been great, which led to our first family trip to the zoo this weekend, which led to my first unplanned doctor's visit on Monday. Cramping, which feels similar to my premature contractions with Bacon, started on Saturday; continued on Sunday; with some more on Monday. I called the doctor to see if I could take ibruprofen (which worked wonders last go 'round) and the nurse suggested I come in. They tested for a bladder/urinary tract infection just to make sure - none. The doctor confirmed that ibuprofen was fine. But suggested that if I started taking it all the time to come in to be checked because it can have an effect on amniotic fluid levels.

The answer seems to be rest and ibuprofen. Not that I'm convinced that the cramping would lead anywhere, its simply annoying, a touch painful and (a bit) worrisome. I'm trying not to remind myself that this didn't start in earnest with Bacon until week 22. Instead, I'm remember the contraction we saw on the 13 week untrasound (I think) that I didn't feel with her.

I didn't even get a doppler on Monday. It totally slipped my mind at the time. (Having a nap-free 15 month old with me had something to do with it.) I definitely feel gipped. I may keep my scheduled appointment next week just to make sure things are perking along.

Explaining the explaining

2007-05-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

After I posted my last post, I started thinking that anyone who might read it might think that I was being unreadably smug about the success (so far) of this pregnancy. I'm sorry if it came out that way. With every past pregnancy, I have been convinced 24/7 that everything was going to end in doom, that it's simply amazing to me not to feel that way. In thinking about it, it's not actually confidence in success -- it's simply not confidence in failure.

I was so frightened at Bacon's birth. I was simply convinced that if she made it out of me, that we would lose her very soon afterward. As soon as she was born, I kept telling my husband to take photos because I wanted a record of her while she was alive. In hindsight it seems strange to feel so absolutely sure that she wouldn't survive, but I was.

This time around, I still have the list of everything that can go wrong running through my head. But, I don't feel that overwhelming conviction that every milestone passed means fewer options that lead to failure without removing the certainty of failure.

Because I'm 40 I was (and am) concerned with genetic issues. We did a 1st trimester screen and got our results for Downs - 1 in 1000 - a great number for my age. We haven't gotten info on any of the other potential issues and while there still circling around my head, I'm not so overwhelmingly worried about them.

I'm thrilled to be through-ish the first trimester. I'm in week 12 now. The second trimester was great with Bacon. I am dreading the 3rd trimester a bit, but really trying not to borrow trouble. I was on bedrest for 2 out of the last 3 months last go round with premature contraction (that did absolutely nothing other than make me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious.) As my OB said, because I delivered at 38 weeks with Bacon, they can't say that the early contraction were serious (because they didn't lead to "early" labor) or not serious (because I didn't make it to 40 weeks). As I told her, I did feel very cared for with my medical care last time, so whatever happens I've been through enough stuff that I hopefully have a good frame of reference for this go around.

There's a baby in there!

2007-04-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday's ultrasounds (yes there ended up being 2) went well. The creature inside actually looks like a baby. My last visit with my RE was focused around an ultrasound and luckily a prescription for vicodin (I tweaked my back on Sunday and was told I can't take anything that might actually help short of narcotics.) I'm measuring ahead by a few days and got a new, slightly earlier due date - 11/8/07. Baby measures 5 cms and has a heartbeat of 176. The unofficial nucal translucency measurement was 1.4 - which is good news.

My afternoon first visit to my OB was followed by an ultrasound and blood work to get the information necessary for my first trimester screen. Apparently, the office is doing these rather than the integrated screen I had with Bacon. I'm not sure about all the differences, but I do get information earlier with the change. The second ultrasound wasn't quite as exciting except that it did confirm the NT measurement.

While I was convinced that I was carrying a boy, as soon as I saw the pictures that looked like a baby I changed my mind. I think this is just because the only baby looking thing I've produced is Bacon and she is a girl. I can't wait to find out what's inside.

I can't figure out what I did to my back. But its been difficult to walk or really do anything other than lie down all week. It is getting better. I remember having some back pain when I was pregnant with Bacon which I chalked up to things shifting. I think this might have something to do with that. Part of the continued pain now seems to be strange posture. I'm trying not to walk and hold my back funny, but I'm still working on it (and trying not to take the drugs which aren't really helping things now anyway.)

It's wonderful to feel as confident as I do about this pregnancy. But, being one who has to worry about something, I'm totally petrified about what to do with 2 children when I have them. Almost every post last year was about how bad things were without sleep. I so don't want to go there again. It seems very unlikely that the 2 would be on remotely similar napping schedules - so no naps to make up sleep - argggh. I'm trying to figure out who I can bribe in my family to come and help out.

Enough of that - I'm really trying to "live in the now" and enjoy where we are.

Baby/Momma Mileposts

2007-04-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

We seem to have gotten through it - an important baby/momma milestone - the stomach flu or more commonly known as being thrown up on a lot. I was really worried about this. Could I handle the whole throw up thing? Bedding covered; baby covered; and if especially unlucky; mamma covered. I was also worried about poopy diapers and am still worried about the first poopy bathtub. But, as with the poopy diapers, it wasn't that bad. Not that it was good, but there was a sick baby to deal with. So, you just handle the mess (where ever it has landed) and move on. (I'm still working hard to avoid the poopy bathtub.)

We seem to have gotten through things. Breakfast went well and Bacon is still down for her morning nap. I'm so glad we're at the weekend so D can help out. We've been up at 4:30 the last 2 mornings to nurse, but she's been sleeping over 13 hours other than that. I appreciate the additional hour in the morning, but am looking forward to going back to sleeping through the night.

Strangely, last night was the first time in several weeks that I didn't wake up at least twice with a full bladder. Of course symptoms going away is a bit anxiety causing, but at almost 11 weeks, I think its the right time for it. I have an ultrasound with my RE and my first OB appointment on Wednesday. I'm thrilled to almost be through the first trimester.

All Good News

2007-04-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

Its a wonderful thing - when as soon as you can see something on the ultrasound it includes a heartbeat. I didn't jinx things - all is well with the little one. Growing according to schedule with a strong heartbeat (183) and a "nice" placenta. Mid-way through the ultrasound I exhaled the breathe that I didn't know I'd been holding.

Bacon is my only pregnancy that got this far. Although the RE wants to see me again in 2 weeks, I feel strangely confident that 1st trimester miscarriage danger (for me) is gone.

It's actually been a relatively anxiety-free pregnancy so far - aside from the spotting that is. When it started at just over 4 weeks and was so strong, I just assumed that we were done. Since then, I've had some every week. And while my heart jumps into my throat each time, I'm trying to let it go.

Bacon is keeping me from thinking about the pregnancy every second. While I want this one with all my heart, I'm just so blessed already.

Thanks for the finger crossing - mine are crossed for you!

Cross your fingers

2007-04-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is "u" day - ultrasound day of course. I made it through last week - the week of no ultrasound pretty well. My symptoms still rise and fall. There are few really - I have lower energy than normal (although I'm pretty low energy to start with) and I have afternoon morning sickness if I don't eat steadily. If I take it easy and eat, I feel pretty normal.

I got a lot of bloody noses late in the pregnancy with Bacon and got my first one in a while last night. I get bloody noses now and then, so this doesn't feel like a symptom I can count.

I'm excited and scared for tomorrow's ultrasound. I swear with Bacon, from the very start, I felt a heaviness in my lower abdomen that was a sign of pregnancy. I had it with the four before Bacon too. I've never had it with this one. I tell myself that it's because things are more roomy than they used to be, but really have no idea.

I do expect (and hope for) good news tomorrow. I think this is a boy and I think we get to keep him. If we've actually gotten through tomorrow, it will be over 9 weeks. If things are good at this point, I think we're past 1st trimester miscarriage risk for me. Then I just have to get through the likelihood of early contractions in the 3rd trimester. But, that I can do.

Cross your fingers for me.

The lull between ultrasounds

2007-04-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

At my ultrasound last week, I told the doctor that I'd go 2 weeks before another one. He offered that I could get one earlier if I wanted and could just call. I have been so close to calling. I've had more spotting. My symptoms change given the time of day - well they just change. It all makes me nervous and worried, but for some reason I want to wait until next week for another ultrasound. There's really no reason that I need to wait. But it feels like a challenge that I want to success at. Going in for an ultrasound upsets the balance of my life. If its non-work time, I have to bring Bacon which I HATE to do. I'm going to an infertility office. I remember how yucky it felt to watch a child while you're sitting in the waiting room having just had bad news or waiting the get it. I don't want to do that to anyone else. I'm working so few hours now that to go during work cuts them down to close to zero. My appointment next week is during work, so if I work hard until then, I won't miss the hours so much.

It's funny how this possible baby puts a lot of things into perspective. I was trying to figure out what to do about work. While I love the part time hours, the lack of responsibility, and the lack of billable requirements. I miss being the one to make the decisions. Not surprising, I don't agree with things that the new person in charge is deciding. (We have very different work styles.) My group's work load was light, so I was getting the dog work for a while. We're now back to crazy busy, so I'm getting better projects. And when I get assigned what I think are useless projects when there is important stuff that needs to get done, I'm saying so. Before this pregnancy I spoke with my boss about me having to decide what I want to do. He said that I just need to tell them what I want. Whether its to take over this group again, or move to a new area. But, the bottom line is if we have this baby, I'm a while (at least a year, maybe two) from wanting to go back full time.

D was trying to figure out what to do about work. He's not happy where he is, but any move likely means a pay cut. That freaked me out. But now, not so much. It would be wonderful if he didn't work in the distant suburbs. It would be great if he felt challenged and that he had a future where he was.

D wrecked his car. It was scary. He was perfectly fine. No one else was involved. It is going to be very expensive to get fixed. I hate that car. I've hated it for years. Its crazy expensive to fix when it breaks down and has been in way too many accidents since he got it 4 years ago. (This accident had little to do with the car.) But, D's thinking that once its fixed, he'll sell it and get another car. Yeah - the end of the lemon car! Hopefully less wrecks and repair bills.

Life is just going on. I hope we get to keep this baby.

Hurray - All good so far

2007-03-27T15:06:00.000-07:00

Except for the continued brown spotting, everything is still good. I did go in for an ultrasound last week - the day I went out of town for a week. We saw a heart beat! I just had another ultrasound today. More heart beat - 136 beats per minute - and growing appropriately with my late ovulation - 7w0d. I got an estimated due date today for mid November - wow. And the receptionist asked if I had picked an OB yet. That was a bit startling, but just more evidence that they just don't deal with a lot of miscarriage.

About the spotting - the person who did the ultrasound noted that I'm very vascular - she showed me on the ultrasound. Apparently the last pregnancy did it and that may be the source of the bleeding. If so, apparently its no big deal. I like this idea. It gives me something to rely on. Although all of my other pregnancies that involved spotting ended in miscarriage, this one can be different because I'm so very vascular now. Okay, I can work with that.

More Not Bad News

2007-03-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

Monday my hcg was 1720. More spotting on Tuesday that has continued going from red to brown. Today's ultrasound was - fine. Too early to see a fetal pole or heart beat. Everything measured as it should, but the whole experience was - disappointing - as if I had done something wrong by having an ultrasound so early. My doctor changed offices and I didn't get to see him. I'm not sure if this experience was because of that and their inexperience with recurrent miscarriage or just my spin on events. With my last (and only successful) pregnancy, my doctor let me have 2 ultrasounds a week during the early part. Today I was told to come back in 7-10 days, with the off-handed comment that there was nothing that could be done if . . .

I'm emotional and achy in the lower front part. I'm trying to tell myself that this could all be progesterone induced. But, I don't feel right. I can't explain beyond that. I'm trying to put it all out of my mind. But, its hard. It seems that if I move beyond mere necessity I spot. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize things, but if spotting is a sign of jeopardy, it doesn't seem like I can exist without jeopardy. I'm too good at worrying.

Not Bad News

2007-03-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

Friday's beta was 471 - double from Wednesday would have been 486. So, not bad news. I have another beta scheduled for Monday (for my peace of mind) and then an ultrasound on Thursday. If I can only get through next week . . . Of course, then it will be the week after that.

When the spotting started on Tuesday, I just assumed that we were done. While I was sad, it wasn't the gut wrenching sadness of the miscarriages before we got to keep Bacon. I so want this to work, but if it doesn't, I still am so blessed. While I believe this 100%, I find myself repeating this frequently as a tool not to get too attached to this possibility -- the rug can't be pulled out from under me if there's no rug.

Oh hell

2007-03-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

Monday's beta was 67.4 and progesterone was 22. Spotting started yesterday afternoon. Took a break. More this morning. Today's beta 243. Oh hell.

Maybe . . .

2007-03-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is 14 days from typical ovation for me. Today I got a light second line on a FRED. I've been super tired since Wednesday, but have had a sick baby for a month - yes, a month. It's been 3 ear infections (4 if you count the one that was double) and a sinus infection and two rounds of antibiotics for her. And, as a bonus, 2 sore throats and stomach flu for both me and D. We had good birthdays, but I certainly hope March is a healthier month for the family.

I also hope (hope!) that this is it and it sticks around. . .

I thought, oh well.

2007-02-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

I thought this was our month. I had some of my early pregnancy signs - I thought. I started planning on things; thinking about the future with 2 little ones. But, no dice. Strangely, I'm not so sad and disappointed this month. The excitement was fun. Somehow I feel like we're getting closer (although there is nothing to support this feeling).

I keep telling myself that Bacon is all I need, but the truth is I really want another. I want the pregnancy and I want the child. I turn 40 later this week. How did I get this old? I know I'll be saying this when I'm 70.

A year ago today

2007-02-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

A year ago today I was in the hospital in labor and waiting to give birth. I remember being so excited and scared - knowing that I was close to the end. I was so worried that something would still go wrong. It didn't and we got a wonderful baby girl. It's really true that things have seemed so much less scary since Bacon has been on the outside. I still worry about things - SIDS and some strange allergic reaction are the biggest concerns. But mostly it's good and not hard.

I'm so glad I got a chance to do this.

Peace and ?

2007-01-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

I really have been enjoying life lately. Working part time - rocks. Bacon sleeping through the night and taking reliable naps - totally rocks. But I can't help but wonder what's coming next. We've been "trying" for #2 since Bacon was 4 months old with the idea that it might be difficult or might take some time. A few months ago I checked out fine for ovulation. In a few weeks I turn 40. I wonder if we're going to get a chance at #2. While I am beyond belief happy with Bacon and will be perfectly thrilled with having a life with her and D, there is a tiny cloud of what will happen on the horizon of this perfect life.

Of course I had to say good naps - Bacon is awake and calling.

A new year

2007-01-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

What a good year 2006 was. It started with a lot of bed rest - but by then we knew that we would have a baby at the end. It went so fast. Individual days seem to drag on forever, especially when Bacon was tiny, but the rest flew by. It ended with a fun Christmas. We went back east to D's family. They ate Bacon up. It was wonderful to see.

It looks like no pregnancy again this month. I turn 40 next month - a birthday that is sooo much easier to face with Bacon in the family. 38, which came almost 2 year into trying for her, was a tough one. Will we get a #2? Just don't know.

A small life

2006-12-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

Life is justing ticking. We're doing things; small things that aren't exciting and don't make good stories. But life is good. I'm not doing anything on the pregnancy front this month. With D sick for the last 2 weeks and traveling to the east coast for the holidays, it just seemed like too much this month. Sleep has gotten a bit worse again - Bacon has had a runny, stuffy nose for the past 3 weeks which could be the cause. She's eating like crazy and currently not going down for her afternoon nap. I guess I should go up and get her.

Life just seems good right now. I am counting my blessings.

Answer to your question

2006-12-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

Hi commentor - I didn't get an email address for you so here's the long and short answer to your question. I was only on progesterone (plus Chinese herbs and accupuncture) for the successful pregnancy. I'd tried Clomid - which didn't seem to work for me - really thinned my lining. I think I did one Clomid cycle, and two or three Femara cycles (one of which resulted in a very short pregnancy). After the 4th miscarriage, my RE's plan was to try IVF with PGD. But the recurrent miscarriage specialist (there's at least one of these in the US) said that there was no medical proof that that would help so, I stopped "preparing" for IVF shortly after starting birth control pills. So, in fact, I'd been on progesterone for several cycles, had something like 6 days of the pill, plus Chinese herbs and accupuncture when the successful pregnancy happened. What, if any of this helped the pregnancy work? Unfortunately, because my miscarriages were "unexplained," I have no idea. I've restarted Progesterone and accupuncture - my favorites of the bunch and the ones that I'm guessing were most likely the biggest help.

Great luck!!

Negative

2006-12-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

It's surprising how disappointed I am not to be pregnant this month. We have Bacon. I've never really had that much trouble getting pregnant before. Plus all the bonuses of not having to worry about morning sickness during our Christmas trip back east. Still . . .

Bacon's got a major cold. I spoke to the pharmacist. Got her medicine. Then left it at the drug store. It's just one of those days.

Just don't say it

2006-11-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

Things are going swimming well on the baby front. But, I have to mention what must be an amazing coincidence - whenever I tell someone about how long its been since ___ happened, it happens. This does seem to be a baby only related thing phenomenon. Like, "wow, it's been ages since I've had a plugged duct." Ha - here's one for you! "Bacon is sleeping through the night." How about a 3:00 am wake up? That being said - and it really is amazing how often it happens - things are so much better. Getting solid sleep - great! No pain with nursing - wonderful! A baby who is mostly well rested and well fed - super!

I had an ultrasound on Friday and my body is doing what it should to be able to get pregnant this month. (Follicle - good size; uterine lining - decent) I did get a trigger shot (to trigger ovulation) and will start evil Progesterone on Tuesday. I have pregnancy blood work planned for two weeks from tomorrow. I'm mostly excited about the possibilities. A bit scared, but mostly excited.

Aahhhh!

2006-11-09T15:40:00.000-08:00

Sleep at last! My BF told me I had to CIO and ultimately - we did. But, I think we finally got to a point where we could. With a bit of crying or more typically fussing, Bacon will go to sleep. We started this by accident last Sunday during her afternoon nap. We've put her down awake every night since. In fact, she won't fall asleep in my arms like she did Sunday morning and most recent sleep periods for the past few months. Last night was the first night we didn't go into her room at all until morning. She went down at 6:50 pm and cried a bit at 7:30 and around 10:00, then not a peep until 5:45 am. Of course, I'm still waking up and listening for her, but I'm getting used to sleeping - at night.

I know I'm a broken record, but I can't explain the difference between life with and without sleep. Prior to experiencing it myself, I thought people exaggerated. I was so wrong. I feel human again. I can speak and think in full sentences.

The RE results: I'm ovulating and everything looks good. Although I've been getting my period since Bacon was 4 months old (she's now 9 months old), this was my first cycle like my pre-pregnancy cycles. I go back into the RE this month and we'll see how things go.

Dealing with Life

2006-10-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

I've held off posting because the only thing I've had to talk about is sleep and sleep deprivation. I'm sick of myself on this topic. There is nothing like trying to get your child to sleep and dealing with sleep deprivation that can make one feel incapable and just looney. Instead, I'll talk about accupuncture and my return visit to my RE. Three weeks ago I started accupuncture again. I loved accupuncture before and I love it again. It's kinda pokey and zingy and not necessarily relaxing, but I do enjoy it.

Okay, just a bit on the sl**p topic. They've even been placing needles to help me sleep better - and this week was some of the best sleep I've had in quite a while. It's definitely not the fact that the baby is sleeping better because she's not. I just seem to be able to get back to sleep better and sleep deeper. Ahhhhh.

Today I mentioned the baby's bad sleep and the supervisor (I'm going to a teaching clinic) said that they could work on the baby to deal with sleep. It turns out that the supervisor, not the students, would do the work and they're not sure if they actually can - I think because it is a teaching clinic. On one hand, the idea of someone doing accupuncture on my baby seems very odd. On the other, I know that they barely place the needles in and the fact that the supervisor said that it would be for an instant made me want to pursue it. If it's a possibility where I go, I'm not sure that D will go for it. He hasn't done any accupuncture and generally is sceptical of non-western medicine. And I think he's concerned like I am about hurting Bacon. Well, we'll see.

I returned to my RE this week to discuss what we can do to pursue another successful pregnancy. They took blood to test my progesterone and prolactin levels to see if I'm ovulating and, perhaps, if my continued nursing is effecting ovulation. They left a message with my progesterone levels today, but without any explanation of the number. Next month, the plan is an ultrasound and a return to the dreaded progesterone.

The work/baby balance seems to be working. I'm still working 2 mornings and one full day a week. With Bacon's crawling, cruising, teething, and recent lack of naps, a break from our dear girl is - well - very nice. Being away from her makes being with her so much better. Strange, but this is causing me no guilt whatsoever. Strange because most things surround Bacon seem to cause me guilt. I'm making enough money to pay our nanny and make the mortgage payment easier. It really does seem all good at this point.

It's amazing how sleep just seems to make life easier.

Isn't it your turn to get up with the baby?

2006-10-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

Late in our vacation I hit the point where I was absolutely freaked about the idea of having another child. Obviously, I couldn't deal with the one I had. Obviously, we could never travel again - forget the holidays or our big sabatical next summer which I've been planning for 10 years. Bacon started crawling yesterday -- guess what that did to her already bad sleep. People keep telling me that things will get better and I know that they have to. I'm clinging to that hope while I struggle through work or even a day at home.

With some naps, I've gotten past the panic and am starting to see the wonder of having this little girl who has learned 2 big skills in a week and is teething (again). I wonder what I'll remember from this time when we get past it?

So tired

2006-10-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

We just got back from 10 days in Hawaii. Big surprise, but it's totally different with a baby. A baby who didn't do well with the time change and who generally woke up every hour every night and only took short naps. Argghhhh! I was tired beyond belief and sick by the end of the trip. I enjoyed our days together, but the nights!

Bacon is pulling up on furniture now and wants to be walking - at 8 months. It's so cute, but so arggghhhhh.

I can't imagine voluntarily traveling again in the near future. But, hopefully by Christmas time I will have gotten over the worst of this to travel back east (a better direction for Bacon) for a family visit.

Bull meet horns

2006-09-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

So after whining a bit in my last entry and a lot in my head, I took the uterus by the something and made appointments. I now have a fancy return visit to my RE and I got me some accupuncture coming up.

While I can't say that either helped with my recent success, they certainly didn't hurt. Maybe they know new stuff since I went through everything during 2003-2005?

Another day

2006-09-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Well, last week was a full on bout of teething - but still no teeth! Bacon's sleep went from bad to worse. Wednesday night she was up from 1:30-5:30. She stopped eating solids and was generally unhappy. Things got better over the weekend. Sleep better and oh those yummy solids. One of the hard parts about the bad sleep (other than no sleep) is the idea that by caving to the crying, we're creating a monster. It was great to see that once we were through the worst of things, Bacon's sleeping went back to it's current good - which is up 2-3 times a night for a short nurse, then right back to sleep. Yesterday she took 3 1/2 hours of naps and then went to bed an hour early!

I saw a friend on Sunday who is pregnant and due in February. Apparently she had a tough first trimester and is worried about life after having a baby. I was trying to be realistic, but feel bad for the bad rap I gave motherhood. I confirmed her fears without really getting into the good parts. It's hard to explain because, yes, your life is no longer your own. Sleep and clean clothes are a thing of the past. But I wouldn't trade it in. The fact that you actually get a baby is so cool.

I found out about her pregnancy earlier in the week and felt - jealous. Funny, because I know she's had a tough time with fibroids and had surgery to deal with issues and possibly get pregnant. I knew then that she'd have to have an early C-section to make sure no bad things happen. But . . . After our hard week, D asked what was going on. The lack of sleep and pain thing were a big part of it. But it's also near the end of a 2ww and I'm worried/nervous/scared. While I want another baby, I'm scared of what might happen to get there. D says I'm getting ahead of myself, which I am. But miscarriages and troublesome pregnancies are painful and emotionally difficult. He might be able to forget everything that went into having Bacon - and I can in large part when I'm thinking about her - but the thought of doing it all again are daunting right now.

Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones and whatever wasn't working before will be magically fixed now. I guess I won't know until I get there.

"Don't take it so personally."

2006-09-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

This was advise from my husband this morning after Bacon was up from 2:00-4:00 and then woke for the morning at 6:00. The plugged duct - back again. I took her and G-dog for a walk in the pouring rain. G got out of the back yard (again). Then Bacon started talking and crying and fussing non-stop. I fed her her mid-morning meal at 8:00 in the hopes that it would help her calm down. This is when the advise came. It actually was right on target. When I can't get her to sleep or to settle down, I do feel responsible and - inadequate I guess.

I think one of the reasons that things have gotten to be so much fun for me lately (with a 7 1/2 month old) is because I don't constantly feel like I'm on the verge of doing something wrong with Bacon. I'm not always afraid of SIDS or an allergic reaction. She can do so much more and can generally communicate so much better that my general fear levels have improved a ton.

That being said, lack of sleep and pain can still wipe me out very quickly. This is also part of what's going on today. Since going back to work, Tuesdays have been my favorite days. There's just a vacation feeling about the day. Today, not so much. It's raining buckets. The dog is wet. The baby is fussy. And I've got a pain in the boob. We're definitely having sushi for lunch. (My comfort food.) Now if I can only get Bacon down for a nap.

Then Again . . .

2006-09-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

Life with Bacon is still very fun - but - sleep is getting worse again, fussing is increasing. Still no crawling - but - she's now working on pulling up! She easily gets to her knees, but wants more. Naps are either huge or non-existent. Okay, this has only been going on since Saturday, but that's already enough of this phase.

Just Plain Fun

2006-09-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

I think I finally get it. The silly glee that other moms have when talking about their lives with their babies. I wasn't there until very recently. The pain and sleeplessness are still there. Was I depressed? I don't know. Is it just that Bacon is growing up and has become a lot of fun? I just don't know, but I'm just really enjoying things now. Even though she woke up at 4:15 this morning and I had to be at work at 7. Even though D stayed after work for drinks with an exiting co-worker (he called first to make sure I wasn't beyond reason) and baby girl spit up on me continuously - both before and after her bath. It's just fun.

Maybe this is part of my last entry - the idea that regardless of what took to get here, it was worth it. Can I do it all again if I need to? I'm not sure. Would 4 miscarriages be as hard for me with Bacon at home? While I don't think so, I just have no idea. If it is, can I bring that home to Bacon every day? We'll just have to wait and see about all of it.

I'm still really enjoying working part time, but today was my full day and I was sad that I didn't get to hang out with Bacon all day. I'm just so curious about what the future will bring, but I'm just having a great time right now.

Revisionist's History

2006-09-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

For the last week or so, I've been nostalgic for my pregnancy. Yes, the time I was constantly worried, in pain, on bedrest and so forth. I'm even nostalgic for when Bacon was brand new. Again, this wasn't a particularly fun time at the time, but with my current blurry view of the past, it had so much potential. I think the source of these unrealistic but fun feelings is how enjoyable Bacon has become. She's becoming such an independent person - mostly sunny, sleeping a bit better, who can do all these things now like feed herself finger food and play with G dog. I found myself crying when I was packing up the clothes that she's outgrown - thinking about the times we had "when she was little," and what we did.

I'm hopeful that I'll get to do all of that "fun" stuff again. I think I can handle some more trouble to get the wonderful bundle at the end.

I had lunch the other day with an old co-worker. In catching her up on life events, I mentioned the 4 miscarriages I had before Bacon. It was interesting - rather than the baby I had, she seemed to focus on the miscarriages. I did the opposite - I really didn't want to think or talk about them - while still acknowledging that they happened. While they are part of my history, I don't want to be defined by them. In catching me up about people still at the old office, I heard many sad things. I'm not sure why that was the case - perhaps just chance that a bunch of sad things had happened to this group of people. But, I don't want to be defined by the sad things in my life but rather the happy.

I know this couple who seem to be among the most blessed people I know. Good things seem to fall in their laps. Our group of friends marvel at the wonderful things that happen to them. But I know the hardships in their pasts. Its a great testament to who they are that they aren't defined by some of this history. That the bad things that happened haven't gotten in the way of their presents and their futures.

That's the kind of person I want to be. Someone who people say, wow she really has a blessed life. I feel that blessed at the moment (and most of the time). My childhood - bumpy. The baby thing - bumpy. The present - wonderful.

Growing up

2006-08-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

Things are good. Bacon is growing - still not sleeping great, but she's fun. I thought she was talking alot before, but then she started this babbling thing that is seriously funny. She's not crawling yet (at almost 7 months) but can scooch sideways and backwards. No forwards yet either. She's eating solids and still nursing. D's been out a bunch at nigh for work and fun, so I've been picking more of the night shifts. The more I pick up, the more Bacon wants me there to go to sleep (this may have a lot to do with the fact I'll nurse her to go to sleep, but hey, it works.)

I spoke to my sister yesterday who is seriously unhappy with her husband. He's helping out with the house and kids less and less and spending more time and money on his interests. She sounded so sad and hopeless. I don't know if it's serious or not, but it made me talk to D about needing some help around the house. I don't mind being up with Bacon if it's not every hour - I just can't function that way. But, it does seem like D's husbandly duties have gotten smaller and smaller since I started staying home with the baby. After he took the trash can to the curb without any garbage in it, I mentioned the diaper pail that needed emptying and the kitchen trash that was full. He informed me that his job was just to get the can to the curb. Let's just say that there is a long history of this not being the case.

With T's current issues I didn't want to be in her shoes in 10 years, so I bit the bullet and just asked for more help. I asked for 2 things: (1) emptying the trash and (2) dealing with dirty (and clean) dishes. It seems like a reasonable list and the conversation went well. We'll see how it goes.

D just got home from work.

As expected

2006-08-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

As expected, Friday, my full day at work, was harder than Monday and Wednesday. We're still nursing. Around 2, I was in total pain (Engorged? Plugged duct? Since the pain lasted until after I went to sleep, I'm guessing the latter, but who knows.) so I left at 2:30. Since I started at 7:00, it was almost a full day. I was so hoping to at least get some rest, but a friend of D's stopped by, then D's work called and he ended up having to go in. He didn't get home until 3:30 am, so I did baby duty. So, no rest and sleep disturbed every 1 1/2 to 2 hours all night. I did get a bath which was very nice.

I shouldn't have been surprised, but the charm of work had worn off a bit by day 3. This was totally like last year when the excitement of the newness of it wore off. I think for the short term we're going to have a modified "full day" on Friday, but otherwise I do think it's going to work well. A client that I have had no contact with had a small crisis and I was the only one there to deal with it. Of course, I knew nothing about the situation. I think it got handled okay. We'll have to revisit it on Monday.

Per my regular doctor's recommendation, I have breast ultrasounds and a consultation with a breast specialist scheduled. We'll see if she can figure anything out about this recurrent issue - in 2 weeks, when I could get an appointment.

Bacon (and so I) got up at 6 this morning. We stayed out and about until 10 so D could get some sleep. Then I turned her over and went to nap. I had that kind of nap where you feel drugged and kept telling myself that I had to get up. I finally did at noon and they're nowhere to be found.

Continued later -- Just as I was typing this, I heard Bacon crying. They were upstairs in the office. We went for a walk and then a late lunch. Some sleep and a pain reliever then time with D and Bacon certainly make things look a lot better. Of course D had to go back to the office to work on the same problem as last night. We'll see if we see him anytime soon.

I prefer the weekends. This shouldn't come as a big surprise, but right after Bacon was born, after D went back to work, weekends were hard. I had so many expectations about what we would get done in a weekend. I think part of this was the whole fixing the house up and moving thing and part was simply getting used to life with a baby. But, it really effected how I viewed the weekends. While I still have a bit of that, I love seeing and being with D and Bacon when one of us isn't rushing to get somewhere. Not surprising, but a really great feeling.